zarthon came over today. purpleglitter and I had planned to get together with him for lunch, but plans ran late, and we had more of a dinner. After dinner we chatted for quite a while, futzed with my computer, and played the Evil Game.

zarthon and purpleglitter figured out that I don't need to get a job at this point. purpleglitter's fulltime position plus the money from the roommates, will get us by.

I don't know how I feel about that.

First, I don't feel comfortable living off people. I've lived on the good graces of others for too long. I feel it's time I started pulling my own weight.

Second, that's going down the disability road again. I'd put through my appeal, and maybe get it. Regardless of the outcome of my appeal, I might as well throw away any dreams I have of ever getting surgery.

What I feel I need to do is get a job, try to hold it down, and save up for surgery.

The therapy requirements are going to be problematic. I don't want any future therapist to know about the multiplicity. I just want to get the letters written that I need to get my operation. That's it. I don't want to have psychiatric professionals messing with our internal affairs any longer. It's quite frankly none of their business.

The there are two potential problems I foresee if and when we go back to therapy.

The first one is keeping up the act. What if the therapist makes us? I know whoever it is probably won't be looking for DID, but what if they notice oddities or inconsistencies. What if somebody else says something that is really strange. Sometimes inconsistencies can be explained away, but sometimes they become noticeable. If they do, we might have to start over with a new therapist.

The second problem is explaining our past psychiatric history. The easy solution to that problem is to deny that there is one. I know from experience that the therapist is unlikely to spend time seeking out anything.

The issue is really with explaining my being on hormones since the spring of 1999. If I tell the therapist that I'm getting the hormones through an endocrinologist, they'll know that I must have gotten a letter of recommendation. They'll want to speak with Christine (our therapist before Anne). Christine, who we tried to keep our multiplicity a secret from, knows about it, and the proverbial cat will be out of the bag.

On the other hand, I can't lie and say that I've been getting the hormones through other means. To do that, I'd have to get a new endocrinologist at some point in the process. Getting a new endocrinologist would mean getting a new referral from my primary care physician. My primary care physician already knows I'm seeing an endocrinologist, and would want to know why my current endocrinologist isn't recommending a new one. I would be busted.

There's always Thailand.