While moving Lake's office into the livingroom Wednesday, I found the orange journal I'd been looking for. Flipping though it this morning I found an entry about Madeleine I wanted to put in this journal.

September 1st, 2000 9:30pm I love Madeleine. She's so sweet. Bad things happened to her a long time ago. She has DID as well. I see it now. She switches from happy to mad Madeleine back and forth. Mad Madeleine remembers or is there, and happy Madeleine doesn't remember. She is so lonely. She wants to reach out, but she can't. Only by reaching out to her can she be reached. I won't let anything bad happen to her again.

When we adopted Madeleine, we were told she had been abused at her last home. The first month she was living with us, she would flinch anytime anyone came near her. She's calmed down quite a bit in the last four years, but she still is understandably a little timid.

I understand that I can't really diagnose Madeleine like that. I understand that I was probably projecting. But that is what I was seeing when I wrote the entry.

Ate a can of Spaghetti O's. It's only 400 calories, so I could have incorporated them into my daily total. Instead I purged them. I feel so stupid and worthless. I hate myself. I haven't actually purged in weeks, even though I had planned to. That's what's odd, when I planned it I didn't, but when I don't plan to I do. I hate this. I hate all of this.

Today I discovered something at Trader Joe's I hadn't noticed before. Marinated mushrooms. I haven't tried them yet, but the whole jar has only 80 calories. I'm planning to try them out with the movie I picked up at the video store, "Gladiator". Didn't want to watch anything heavy tonight and it got great reviews.

Didn't get any material for the wings today, because Lake and I decided we need to conserve money this month. Next month, when we have roommates, we'll be in a much better position.

I was (for some strange reason) watching Jack Van Impe (the same person who showed that the letters in "COMPUTER" add up to 666), and he explained the true reason scientists want to develop cloning technology. They want to make a clone of the antichrist!