The inspiration of yesterday has faded away. I sit and want to write poetry, but I cannot. It was so exciting yesterday. It was so wonderful. Words flowed easily and clearly. Now I'm drifting back into strangeness. That moment of clarity of thought is gone, falling again. I just can't keep it together. Depression sweeps me again. I'm broken. I shouldn't exist. We shouldn't exist. We are a mistake. We are an error. We are the debris of what could have been, but never was. I seem to be wallowing in self pity, yet I don't deserve even my own. I would like to bleed, but I know Cyndi will not help me. Why? Why should she? Why should she help me? None of us ever help her. We only try and stop her when she comes forward. The wind is in my head. The knots have returned.

darlink. becarefulwhatyouwishforyoujustmightgetit

Cyndi came out. I didn't think she would. It didn't last too long, but long enough for her to do quite some damage.

She posted the last entry (2:01 am). Deborah added the title and current music to her entry after the fact (she's very anal about the journal entries being consistent in their appearance). It was quite a debate about whether or not the changes be made at all. Deborah, however was quite insistent. The mood couldn't be added, because we don't really know what Cyndi's mood was.

I guess I asked for it. Since I did, I couldn't resist her. I cleaned the cuts (several on both legs and forearms). I just took my Risperdal. Lake brought up the Risperdal when she saw. I still don't really want to take it, but I guess I should. I can't write poetry anyway.

I sat in the livingroom and watched some funny animal video show with Lake. Skateboarding dogs and deer breaking into peoples houses.

Drank a glass of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill. I know I'm not technically supposed to drink alcohol with the Risperdal, but I don't really care. I have a friend that takes it and drinks often, so I'm not worried.

The Risperdal is starting to kick in and make me sleepy, so it's off to bed for me.

I slept for about 12 hours. Not bad for starting a new med. I just took my "morning" dose, so I don't know if I'll be able to stay up too long. I'm drinking coffee, but it may not be enough.

When I first got up everything seemed wobbly and oddly proportioned. Things would alternate between being out-of-focus and crisp. Angles that should be 90°, just weren't.

My neck and shoulder still hurt. The pain had dulled a bit before I went to bed last night, but when I woke up it was all there. It hurts to stand up or just lift my arm. I took some more acetaminophen, and I soon will put some Tiger Balm on it. The Tiger Balm seemed to help a lot last night.

If I'm able to stay up, I'm going to go out and pick up snacks and something for the cats to eat. If I don't, I'll just cook up something for the cats. Madeleine likes my cooking, but Mazzy isn't the biggest fan. Mazzy wants catfood and that's that.