A lot went on at therapy today.

Anne wants us to keep seeing our psychiatrist. And she wants to see us on our meds.

She made a few good points about the psychiatrist, even if i don't take the meds:

1) Since I was hospitalized as recently as November, it's best to see two people that can compare notes.

2) We might soon lose our current medical coverage and migrate to MassHealth. Mass health covers my psychiatrist, but not my therapist. So at least someone we were seeing on a clinical level would still see us.

I made an appointment with my psychiatrist, although the next available appointment was March 19^th.

She also thinks that I need to start taking meds again. I don't like meds. We discussed what reasons there were to stop taking my meds. The Risperdal and Lorazepam were easy to explain, weight issues. However, there are no weight issues with Zoloft. After much discussion I figured out the reason I don't like Zoloft is that taking meds is saying that there is a chemical problem and ignoring that often our anxiety and sadness are legitimate, not something to be covered up by some drug.

While discussing with her that my anxiety was a factor in not taking meds, I mentioned that I have to be afraid walking down the street that some random group of jockos is going to try to beat the crap out of me. She said that a lot of that risk is my flamboyant hairstyle and clothing. I know that if I dressed Plain Jane I'd probably be safer. But what would that achieve? I will always follow my friend Shahrazad's advise given to me almost a decade ago when I did try dressing Plain Jane. She said "This isn't you! Why do you want to blend in?". That said it all. It hit a cord, and I threw Plain Jane out the window that day.

Anne congratulated me on not purging or cutting for over a week. It is quite an achievement.

We discussed the hesitancy that many in the Central Group have talking to any psychiatric professional. Even those of us who talk are distrusting and tend to hold back. She asked what sort of stuff is held back from her. I, feeling in a very good mood this week (I've been in a better mood the past week than I have been in the past two years), told her that sometimes I won't go into as much depth about suicidality and sometimes contract for safety just to please her without any real intention of following the contract.

Well, to that she replied that she'll keep that in mind and put me on a hair trigger for hospitalization. Wow! That was exactly why I tend to try to keep things back. One moment of overconfidence and I screw myself.

I'm not sure the progress we've made lately will last. I feel like I might simply feel good because I won't let myself see that I'm in a car going 50mph with no steering wheel heading straight for a brick wall. Then again, maybe I'm not in that car.

I was washing gently the burn on my left foot, when the blister ruptured and soapy water flowed in. It hurt worse than the original burn. It still greatly stings. My foot feels like a hundred bees have simultaneously stung the same place.

The other day one of my friends told me, "You've been in a mental hospital? Cool!". I replied, "No, it was not cool. Mental hospitals are not cool. They are not fun. I was not in there thinking about how very cool I was."