Bebe has been driving me nuts the past couple days. I hate her. She's so fucking smug. She can't put herself into other's shoes. She doesn't put a new roll in the bathroom after she uses the last of the toilet paper. She still hasn't paid back much of what she owes. She yells at me because Victor gets late night calls. She gripes at me because the landlord forgot to bring the trash to the curb this morning and it's building up. She expects me to fix these things. If they bother her so much why doesn't she bring them up. She's only paid half her rent this month, she's going to pay the other half next week. I'm not sure when she's getting to the bills. I don't have the energy to confront her. I really want to just kick her out. I just don't have the strength for a prolonged household conflict that kicking her out would cause. I just can't deal with that right now.

I've been having a bad day today. Very on edge all day. A lot of things have been on my mind. Money is always an issue these days. What I'm going to do about insurance is an issue, as I can't really afford to keep paying COBRA. I guess I'm going to have to get on MassHealth. Now that I've ditched my old therapist (who wouldn't take MassHealth), there's no real reason not to. Dealing with the MassHealth people is going to probably be just as hard as dealing with the disability people.

Appealing my disability ruling before the deadline is really hard. Everytime I attempt to dig into the mound of paperwork, I get overwhelmed. I really just have to get down to the SS office (Social Security) and try to get everything working. I know. I know, I procrastinate far to much. Monday, I will do it. First thing in the morning, Monday.

I haven't' heard back from the therapists yet. I don't even know if they'll accept my insurance. I don't even know if I want to try therapy again. It's never worked, if anything it's only ever made things worse.

I've been thinking that maybe my therapist is right. Maybe I don't want to get better. Maybe I will never get better. I've spent today just trying to just keep going.

I know I'm whiny. I know everything is not all that bad. I know these things that seem to overwhelm me are really small. I know this, but I'm still spiraling downward. Why can't I stop? Maybe it is chemical, but meds have never helped, simply made me gain weight and lose energy. I don't know what's wrong, I just want to stop feeling like this.