I haven't been well at all lately. We're losing what's left of our mind. The Central Group is in complete disarray. The system is collapsing. Becoming more and more demented. I along will the rest. Slipping slowly into the abyss. I feel I must be a terrible burden on my friends. I don't know why they still spend time around me. I can't be fun to be around. No, not at all. I've been contemplating suicide a lot lately. A lot. I don't want to be in this state anymore. I don't want to be the way I am anymore. I want out. I want it all to stop. I want it all to stop. I want it all to stop. Everyone should leave me alone to die. I'm evil. People don't understand that. I screw up the lives of those around me. I'm a curse. I'm a curse. Everyone should leave me alone to die.

too much too much too much. my head is going to explode. theres too much. i hate me. i can't do this . theres too much i cant do this too much too much too much too much too much leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone too much stop stop stop stop stop leave me alone too much too much too much too much shut up shut up shut up shut up too much too much too much too much shut up shut up fuck off fuck off fuck off

Trying to do better. Talked to my sister. Played some music. There is no reason for me to be doing this badly. There is nothing traumatic happening in my life right now. This is all senseless. I'm going to have to make a point to do better. Relax more. Stop these loops. Stop trying to figure everything out. I'm driving myself mad by doing it. Just take everything easy. Maybe I should stay home and relax tonight rather than going out to Whimsy. I really want to go, but I don't feel up to it tonight. I just need to calm down and relax. There is nothing going on.

Purity of experience is very important to me. Very important. It can be degraded very easily. A stupid comment during a pivotal scene in a movie or seeing a spoiler beforehand can degrade the experience of watching the scene for the first time, and contaminate all future viewings. A toilet flushing down the hall can degrade the experience of a piece of music. Just as can sucky speakers like mine or humming electronics in the background.

One of the most common contaminants of experience are stray thoughts. They can pop into any experience. They're nasty hazards to people obsessed with purity of experience like me. I'm always trying to escape them. Keep them out of my head. But I don't want to start thinking about keeping them out of my head, because thinking that causes is a thought that also deteriorate the experience.

Purity of experience can be elusive, but it can be achieved.

Goth dancing is really tae kwon do. The moves are just a little slower. The nightclubs are training camps. They are training goths for the invasion of Somerville!! It will then be renamed Somergrad. Cossack™ Vodka is just the begining! It's a vast and evil conspiracy. It's true I say. It's true! It's true! !