i'm worried the urologist is going to poke me places i don't want to be poked
i'm worried the urologist is going to tell me that i need to stop taking my spironolactone
i'm worried the urologist is going to tell me something is seriously wrong
i'm worried the urologist is going to tell me that he can't help me
i'm worried i'm going to end up in depends
i'm worried the urologist is not going to see me at all because i can't find my medicare card
i'm worried my neurologist will tell me to stop taking geodon
i'm worried about what will happen if i stop taking it
i'm worried about what the eeg might show
i'm worried about what the eeg might not show
i'm worried that i've missed too many eeg appointments and they won't reschedule me again
i'm worried my money problems will only compound in the coming months
i'm worried our gas is going to get cut off
i'm worried i'm becoming unstable again
i'm worried i'm going to start cutting again
i'm worried i'm going to start purging again
i'm worried because i've been so tempted to cut lately
i'm worried because i've been thinking of good dates that i could commit suicide on
i'm worried everyone is going to think i'm just whiny
i'm worried about the things still hidden in my head
i'm worried about what will happen when all the secrets come out
i'm worried about making this post
i'm worried that i worry too much
i'm worried i'm going to end up back in the hospital again
i'm worried because i don't know what to do

I missed therapy last week, and the last two weeks have been somewhat eventful, so I've got a lot of entries to take with me to therapy today:

Testing My Therapist Therapy Test Results Working Out No No No Drowsy Chaotic Ramblings More Ramblings Gonna Do It Neurology Spiritual Again Missed Again Healing and Becoming I Hate This Better Mood Worries

Therapy went well today. We talked a lot about my relationships with my family and my growing up. About how I don't remember a lot of my childhood and my first memories are dreams. I was dissociative from a young age, and can remember losing time in grade school. I remember kindergarten, but nothing about first grade. I told her that I was around 12 when I realized I was part of a multiple system, though I didn't call it that. I just knew there were "others" inside me. I didn't have any friends until Middle School, and even then I had very few. People just didn't like me. I was too "weird". A lot of it had to do with the fact that I wasn't there all the time, which made things terribly inconsistent. And some of the alters not being grounded in reality or aware of what was currently going on around them when they came out didn't help either.

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After therapy, purpleglitter and I had some rather intense relationship talks. I cried a lot. I don't want to lose her. She is the most important person in my life. My best friend. My soulmate. I want to hold on, but not if it's going to hurt her. I want to celebrate our 10^th anniversary with the bottle of wine we've been saving all these years. I want us to be on the porch with our rockers next to each other.

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zarthon took purpleglitter and me to the Diesel Café. I don't see enough of zarthon these days. It seems we only get together a couple of times a month., and I'd like to see him at least once a week. It was nice seeing him, though.

I just got a package from Amazon.com containing the books The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success and How to Know God, both by Deepak Chopra. They are an early birthday gift from not_you. I'm very excited about the books. I've heard Deep ok Chopra give a seminar on a PBS special, and have been interested in reading his books, but never got around to it. Now I will. I hope these books help me with my goal to lead a more spiritual life. If they are half of what I've heard about them, I'm sure they will.

If they succeed in writing discrimination and hate into the constitution in the form of an anti-same-sex marriage amendment, i will personally burn an American flag, for it will have become just a dirty piece of cloth. I will also participate in any ensuing riots.