Our phone got cut off.

I was looking forward to telling my therapist how much better I've been doing. Fuck. Now I've fucked it all up. I hate me. Fuck this shit. I wish I had money to get drunk, but I don't even have money to pay the fucking phone bill. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.

i never got the checks i ordered from the bank, so even if i had the money to spare (i guess i can just go without food next month) i couldn't do the pay by phone, because you need a checkbook. i'll get money tomorrow, but i don't know how i'm going to get it to the phone company quickly. the phone is needed right now. without it there will be no rent money next month. it needs to be back up soon. i don't know what to do. i feel trapped. everything is my fault. everything is going to get cut off. i'd be better off dead. i'm not going to therapy today. i'm going to stay home and try to deal with this. i can't risk getting put in the hospital today. i need to stay home and deal with this.

I guess I'm going to go to therapy. Everyone seems to think i need it. I don't want to go. But i will anyway. I don't care. I just want to curl up and die.

Therapy was stressful. I spent most of the time trying to hide the fact that I was suicidal. I didn't want to get sent to the hospital. But she figured it out anyway, and got me to admit it at the end of the session. I just want everything to stop. It's not just this phone bill thing. There's just too much in my mind. I want to turn it off. She said that I could work out the feelings. That she had faith that I have the tools I need to handle suicidal urges now. That surprised me. It also earned her some trust points.

When I left therapy, however, I was feeling very suicidal, and cooking up ways I could do myself in. However, talking to purpleglitter on the way home, I decided that I could make it through this. I hope at least. I don't know. I may be suicidal again in an hour or so. I'm doing better for the time being.

The phone bill was just a trigger. Lately I've been afraid of everything. I spend a large portion of my day hiding under the sheets. This is not good. I'm avoiding life. Suicide is just the ultimate way of avoiding life. I need to stop avoiding life and get back into it.

Feeling much better, and a little silly for overreacting so much. I didn't know merryperseis had a track phone and could still get her job calls. That was one of the things I felt incredibly guilty about. I know I should have just talked to her. I'm about to go out to Spy Pond with merryperseis and purpleglitter. A refreshing walk will do me good.

I was feeding the geese, ducks, and sea gulls, when one of the "Friends of Spy Pond" came up to me. This happened to me last year as well. She started in with "Do you live in Arlington?", "Do you know it's illegal to feed the geese?", and "Do you want to step in goose droppings?". I just ignored her and went on feeding the birds. She got in quite a huff and stomped off. As she left I saw her notice my flier on the bulletin board. You could practically see the steam coming off her head. My other flier has also been noticed by the "Friends", as it has "I hope you child sticks his hand in goose droppings then sticks it in his mouth.". I seem to have riled them up quite a bit. But the signs also seem to have taken an effect on people, as I saw more people feeding the geese than I normally do (however, they weren't as steadfast in standing up to the "Friend" as I was, and stopped when accosted). Nothing like causing a little trouble to lift one's spirits.