I do my best meditations in the bath. It feels so wonderful.

I bought nyquil and pills to kill myself with. I was going to do it earlier this evening, but I fell asleep instead. Before I went to bed, I hid the nyquil in one my dressers. However, merryperseis found them and dumped them out before I woke up, as she was looking for the candy I said I bought (it was actually sitting on the chair). I should have hidden it better or made the candy easier to find. Now people think I should go into the hospital. But I don't want to. I am still suicidal, too. And I just wasted $20 much needed dollars, so I sort of have to do something, don't I? I can't spend that kind of money on nothing. I know people are going to unfriend me for this post, i don't care. People don't want to hear this stuff, and understandably so. But I just want to give up. I can't keep up. I don't want to live. I'm very irrational right now. So, don't tell me sensible things, they won't make much sense. Irrational things will make much more of an impact.

Figured out a lot of stuff. Thank you for all the supportive comments. I feel safer now. I don't think I'm going to off myself, but purpleglitter is going to keep an eye on me tonight anyway, just to make sure. I'm not going to whore myself either. I'm going to find ways to make ends meet. All is not lost. I just have to remember not to give up hope.