I have becoming more and more unstable over the past few weeks. The problems seem to have peeked on monday. I had a particularly difficult time in therapy. My therapist tried to convince me to go the psych emergency room. I didn't go, because I very much don't want to end up in the hospital. My current therapist is very good about not forcing me to do things like that. I was quite out of it when I left therapy.

On my way home, I ended up on the ground in the middle of an Arlington side street, drenched in sweat. Several people saw me there and offered to call someone for me, I told them not to, that everything was fine. I told them I knew what was going on (I actually don't) and not to call anyone. I really didn't want to end up at the hospital.

Later in the evening I went to Walgreens to pick up some catfood. I ended up on the floor of one of the isles. I was able to get up and out with little harassment, but I went down again in the parking lot. It was very difficult to see. Everything was extremely blurry and I was again drenched in sweat. I spent 20 to 30 minutes in the parking lot feebly telling passersby not to call anyone. Luckily everyone respected that, and left me be. Eventually one of the people living in the apartment downstairs from mine found me and walked me home. I decided it was best not to venture out again that night.

I've had many "spells" today and yesterday, but nothing like Monday night. I've managed to stay off the ground. I don't know if the problem is related to psych issues or something else. It's something that I've dealt with for years. The problem waxes and wanes, but never goes away completely. Usually the spells are minor, and don't cause me to end up on the ground, but occasionally they'll be large enough to send me down. I usually (but not always) am able to avoid physical injury when this happens, because I can feel a very major one coming and can move myself to the ground before I actually fall.

All that does not help my headspace problems, which as I said, have been getting worse the past several weeks. I've been having many suicidal and self injury ideations. Simple ideations does not spell intent. While I may think about those things, I have not been motivated by those ideations enough to actually attempt something along those lines. The frequency of the ideations is, however, a barometer of my mental stability. I've been getting caught in more loops, and feeling generally doomed and hopeless. I have been attempting to hide these issues, as I was doing so well and I don't want to be seen as sliding backwards. I don't want people to worry about me going back to my old habits. I've worked hard to stop my SI, ED, and suicide attempts. I do not want to travel that road again, and I don't want others to worry that I will.