Today was the first day I practiced the viola in the house_of_clocks as opposed to the purpleglitter's apartment.

I started about 20 minutes late, but did a full hour anyway. I will endeavor to keep to the allotted time as best I can, but minor slip-ups are acceptable, especially at this stage.

I'm doing much better at bowing than the last time I put a full hour into it on Tuesday. I've still got work to do. While I spent the vast majority of my practice time on bowing, I did play with fingering a bit even though I don't doing in that department yet. I want to get ahead of myself, but if I don't get bowing down first finger won't help much.

gacked from chaoticerotic:

Human breastfeeding a cat.

Utterly bizzare. I'm not sure whether to be amused or disturbed.

I'm trying to keep from looping, but sometimes it happens anyway. If I catch the loop early, I can break free of it by will power or meditational prayers. But, once it gets going very strongly, my mind becomes blocked to the All and I can see only the loop. Different strategies are then needed.

I used to use methods such as cutting and purging to pull me out. But they only worked somewhat, and ended up becoming loops in and of themselves.

Methods I use now are taking a walk, taking a long shower, smoking a cigar, smoking some weak salvia, or talking with Sol or Luna.

If the looping is beyond that, I will attempt to go to sleep. Sleep seems to be the most powerful non-destructive method of reseting loops available on a daily basis. I can wake up and am able to do my meditational prayer again and find the balance.

If I can't get to sleep, I take one of the dwindling number of Klonopins I have left over from when I had a prescription. I know that it's technically a psych med, but my dislike for psych meds is rooted in living on them. Taking one occasionally, especially with the intent of using it to sleep, is not the kind of use I am weary of.

Sometimes even sleep isn't enough. The looping load has a habit of building over time and occasionally A much larger reset button is needed. But I am not currently at that point.

I'm doing much better at keeping myself in the good place, even if I still loop sometimes. The fact that I am not freaking out all the time with my current level of stress is in and of itself a vast improvement. While I still have minor freakouts, they pass quickly. And even when I'm looping and out of touch, I am more able to move and function. I'm finding new ways to adapt. New ways to continue. New ways to be.

It's a difficult journey, but it is a journey that I have no choice but to take. An easy path was never promised to anyone. Although my path has seen many hardships, it has also seen many joys, and for that I am truly blessed.

Fuck everything. I can't ever be a good person. I want to die, but instead I took lots of drugs that WILL NOT kill me. I don't really care. I constantly fuck up. It's all my fault. I drag everything in together. I wish people would just leave me be. I want to take my next check and just leave Boston, and I think I will. Boom-zoom. Outta here. I don't want to know anyone. I want to live alone an do lots of drugs. I know there is the beauty there, but I am so far away from it this minute. How fast everything can spiral down. I just want go away now. I don't want to ever return. I hurt people even though I try to help. I was doing so much better. Now it is all gone. I know this is part of whatever is meant for me. I don't get it. Please. I don't get it. I'm trying. I'm trying really hard. Look at me smile. The universe is a beautiful place. Yes it is. Look at me smile. Fuck everything.