didn't happen today
didn't happen yesterday
my life is that of a snail traveling 600 mph
further information release will require additional processing
END TRANSMISSION

The blood from my nose looks like a beautiful sunset on my napkin.

While I generally like my therapist, I think we've been losing connectivity as over the past several months. Part of it has been that my life has been moving faster than can be adequately worked through in one 45 minute session a week. I end up spending most of the time simply bringing her up to speed.

A large symptom of the lack of connectivity is the fact that she believes I am getting worse while those around me in my day to day life tend to agree that I am doing much better. She has no idea what my life is actual like, which limits the usefulness of her counsel.

What really drove home the connectivity problem for me on Monday was her telling me, "I think you're broadening your thoughts too much.". She was critical of me spending too much time thinking about larger spiritual and philosophical issues, because doing so could be causing a "break with reality". She is wise enough not to suggest psych meds at this stage, as such a suggestion would have been met bitterly; however, I am sure she has not changed her view that I should be on them. She doesn't seem to understand how I need this spiritual process to go forward. That caging and limiting my thoughts was a major problem. That dissociation from the larger issues was a major problem.

I explained to her that although there has been more definable switching in the system lately, that switching is a lesser form of dissociation than the form I am experiencing significantly less often now: exanimate dissociation. I was dissociating from existence. I was not real. While she acknowledged what I said, I am unsure if she was actually willing or able to grasp the concept I was trying to get at.

She has had a habit in the past of accusing me of "disorganized thinking" whenever I bring up a topic she does not understand and the accusations have been occurring at greater and greater frequency the last several months, which has only served to decrease my feeling of connectivity.

It is worth noting that connectivity and trust are not the same thing, and I still trust her. I trust her in large part because she both proven herself to be against forced psychiatry and been a motivated advocate for me on several occasions. If I did not trust her, I would be very seriously considering leaving therapy, while right now I'm just lightly contemplating it.