purpleglitter and I got legally married Saturday. We intentionally kept this under the radar and had with us the bare minimum of people required, we didn't want anything big, over the top, or stressful. We stood together on the shore of Spy Pond, under a willow tree, in the darkest corner of the garden. We could hear the fish splashing as we said our vows.

I am tied to you, my favorite piece of string. The seas may boil and the mountains may fall to dust and the stars may dim and die. But to you, my favorite piece of string, I shall be tied forever. And after forever has come and gone, forever again I shall love you.

all is as it should be, even when it isn't.

there are infinite possibilities
but at this time and in this place
this is the only way things could be
if things were different, we'd be somewhere else

the universe is here because it is
as the angles of a triangle in a euclidean space always add up to half a circle
it is object fact that never changes
this universe is a fact outside of its own physical reality
it is a truth and that is enough

Yesterday was purpleglitter's and my 13^th anniversary. We went to Haveli for a romantic dinner, a place we haven't been to in a long time. Afterward, we had a mellow evening watching Torchwood and Doctor Who. It was a simple, but perfect, way to spend the evening together.

Berv Love Lake
∞

when a window shatters
you can pick up the pieces
and glue them back together
but the cracks will still be there
the window will never be the same again

the window is always shattering
there are so many cracks that what is behind the window can no longer be seen
the cracks have become the world
but what lies beyond
is still there and never dies

Today marks purpleglitter's and my 12^th anniversary! Twelve years ago she made faces at me through the windows of the Haymarket Café in Northampton. Twelve years ago I made faces back. Twelve years ago she took a crazy homeless person she had just met back to her place and the rest is history.

Berv Love Lake
∞

Today marks 1 year of being out of the mad house!

Now that I've made it a whole year, I just have forever to go.

"What time is it?"

"It is the same time as last you asked, my friend. It will be the same time still when you ask again. It is half past forever and it has never not been so."

the truth is never as it seems and is at all times subject to change
this is not a cynicism
it the state of the universe
the states of existence
the state of all

questions without answers
and answers without questions
we are lost in the eternal flux

the ground we walk upon
the very earth
is mostly not there
empty space with some ephemeral probabilities
we are the stuff of nothing
and together we form everything
the universe is our nothing god
the collection of all the might be
could be
should have been
the directed will of thinking void
we are its thoughts
consciousness manifest
a small part of our own deception

do you think you are so fucking holy that you can leave this place?
do you think you are any less trapped here than everyone else?
there is no way out
there is no escape
because you cannot escape that which you are
and you are this place
you are you and you are the trap
there is no way out
death will not free you
enlightenment will not free you
god will not free you
nothing will free you
you cannot be freed
the most we can do is try to make the best of this place we are all trapped in
because we are going to be here forever
and forever, as they say, is a very long time

we are as immortal as the universe
as ancient as eternity
only from are incarnate forms do we see the illusion of the finite
this is the only place, because it is every place
again, as i wrote last night
we are in the middle of forever in the only place we will ever be
i watched the sun rise today
it appears as an awakening
but from what slumber?
has the world ever slept?
has the constant progression of cause and effect every paused?
cause and effect is thought
it is "if this then that"
a simple eternal program out of which all creation is melded
no computer is needed to run this program
it simply is because it must be
it must be simply because it can be
and it can be because it is possible
forget it all and begin again
ad infinitum
forever

see what is coming
forget what was then
the past is the future
the ears of the heavens are closed
we all walk alone
separated by the very nature by which we are connected
we are blind by design
we function as we were created to function
as we created ourselves to function
this world is our doing
we are all guilty and innocent
and we will all suffer in the end
for the pain is what comes for us
weeping will never stop
every lifetime leads to another
past, present and future are none of those things
we forget before we remember
cry out
cry out
and grab what joy can be had
we are in the middle of forever in the only place we will ever be
we will never leave, but always be arriving
we've done this uncountable times and will uncountable more
repetition and recursion are what we are made of
looped logic posing as thought, energy, and matter
become comfortable with not existing
no one ever has

It's all an illusion. I don't really exist. I never have. I'm just as much an illusion as everything else. I sit on the ground twitching, helpless as I watch what never was slowly turn into what cannot be.

I feel the winds brushing against me. They are an old friend. I have always felt them. They are the winds of time. The winds of forever. The winds of nothing. Three same and one. All is not over, for that that never was cannot end.

Now I drift away.

stolen from definatalie and existentialista

Look at your LJ "interests" list. If you have fewer than 50 interests, pick every fifth one. If you have between fifty and seventy-five interests, pick every seventh one. If you have over seventy-five interests, pick every tenth one. If you have fewer than ten, pick all of 'em. List them on your LJ, and tell everyone exactly what it is about these things that interests you so much.

bad jokes – I tell them all the time, just ask the many tortured people around me.
chaos magick – Chaos is something I'm very in tune with. It is madness, but not without reason. What better way for me to work magick?
cut-ups – I use cut-ups regularly for inspiration in writing poetry. I've even written several cut-up engines.
etymology – The evolution of language is interesting and ongoing. The way words move through time is very telling of how people think.
healing – I'm trying to get better on many fronts. It's slow, but I've been making progress.
kissing – Kissing is wonderfully versatile. It can be a subtle peck or a passionate oral dance and anything inbetween. It can lead to other things or be wonderful on it's own. Many of my most memorable nights have been largely spent participating in this activity.
masala tea – My favorite hot caffeinated beverage. Coffee is stronger, but masala tea tastes better.
mp3s – I finally have my music back. I have many thousands of these files, and yet I still feel as if I need more.
pastels – While I've been doing more of my art electronically lately, pastels are still my physical medium of choice.
prime numbers – The basic elements of the numbers and thus of mathematics and thus of physics and thus of the universe. How could one not be interested in them?
sandman – I love the Sandman comics, though have unfortunately not had the opportunity to read the entire series. I want more.
spironolactone – Keeps me from producing lots of testosterone.
tabby cats – mazzycat is a tabby. She's fabulous.
trees – Starflower likes to hug them. I think they're beautiful and amazing.
∞ – Infinity and its symbol played a very important role in purpleglitter's and my trips together in the mid nineties.

i don't know what to do
i think i just upset everyone
maybe the spirit is trying to help
i don't know
maybe i should go back in the psych ward
maybe i should just sleep
maybe i should stop trying to please everyone
maybe i should stop hurting everyone
because that's all i seem to be capable of doing
hurting people
fucking with peoples heads
that's what this is all about
a mind fuck
for me and you
games with death and blood
spirits and lights
nothing is here
there never was anything
this is all just fucked up
fucked up like me
i hate me
i hate me
i hate me
i just hurt people
i hate me