I've been drifting away the last several days. The dizzy spells and twitchiness have enveloped me. I cannot move and flicker out. I fight this place, it is hard, but I am not giving up.

Sometimes I end up caught in a nasty cycle in which I have one of my "episodes", can't get up, and fall asleep. My "episodes" are more common and intense right after waking, and in these cycles I'll wake right into another episode, not be able to get up, and fall asleep again. Yesterday, I spent 3 hours on the couch in such a cycle – drifting in and out of consciousness.

I was planning a trip to Maine to see invalid_userid this weekend, but purpleglitter convinced me I should wait until the current wave subsides. However, in preparing for the trip I did find out that the bus route to Maine was quicker, cheaper, and more frequent than I had previously thought. This will make the prospect of making plans to visit less daunting in the future.

Project Schedule has not happened since Monday. I wonder if perhaps the concept is flawed. I've always had large portions of my work day where I could not be productive. I was able to compensate before, why not now? A refined and rigid schedule leaves no room for compensation. However, I am not sure if I should give up Project Schedule until I come up with a better plan to increase my productivity and ready myself for re-entry into employment.

Yesterday went well until the last half hour of the schedule. I became very twitchy and dizzy and couldn't complete my cleaning.

I've always had downtime during the day when I couldn't accomplish much. These spells are in no way new. I always made up for them because I was very good at what I did. I worked very fast and my downtime was rarely noticed. I'm very lucky in that regard, for if I were not twice as efficient at my tasks I wouldn't have been able to hold down a job even then.

when one looks into the heart of madness
the soul of the beast
when one looks
truly looks
and not just spies upon the shadows of the wretched
when one looks into the madness
and sees what is there
when one sees the darkness bright
one cannot help but become mad

in time, you can learn to live in their world
in time, you can adapt.
you can fake it
but you will always know
deep inside
that their world
is not your world

I'm trying to keep from looping, but sometimes it happens anyway. If I catch the loop early, I can break free of it by will power or meditational prayers. But, once it gets going very strongly, my mind becomes blocked to the All and I can see only the loop. Different strategies are then needed.

I used to use methods such as cutting and purging to pull me out. But they only worked somewhat, and ended up becoming loops in and of themselves.

Methods I use now are taking a walk, taking a long shower, smoking a cigar, smoking some weak salvia, or talking with Sol or Luna.

If the looping is beyond that, I will attempt to go to sleep. Sleep seems to be the most powerful non-destructive method of reseting loops available on a daily basis. I can wake up and am able to do my meditational prayer again and find the balance.

If I can't get to sleep, I take one of the dwindling number of Klonopins I have left over from when I had a prescription. I know that it's technically a psych med, but my dislike for psych meds is rooted in living on them. Taking one occasionally, especially with the intent of using it to sleep, is not the kind of use I am weary of.

Sometimes even sleep isn't enough. The looping load has a habit of building over time and occasionally A much larger reset button is needed. But I am not currently at that point.

I'm doing much better at keeping myself in the good place, even if I still loop sometimes. The fact that I am not freaking out all the time with my current level of stress is in and of itself a vast improvement. While I still have minor freakouts, they pass quickly. And even when I'm looping and out of touch, I am more able to move and function. I'm finding new ways to adapt. New ways to continue. New ways to be.

It's a difficult journey, but it is a journey that I have no choice but to take. An easy path was never promised to anyone. Although my path has seen many hardships, it has also seen many joys, and for that I am truly blessed.

The is no boundary between the "human world" and the "natural world", they are one and the same. Humans are natural, are part of nature, therefore anything we do is a natural occurrence. A car is no less natural than a tree. A city is built from nothing that did not come from the Earth. All we build and do is in nature, is of nature, is part of nature.

Look at the city. It is alive. It is a breathing thing and it is not just a human place. A host of animals make it their home. As I walk around Boston, I see the geese and the squirrels and the raccoons and the skunks. They are all part of the living city.

Look at the pigeon. Pigeons are type of dove and they are things of beauty. We are blessed by the Universe to have our cities filled with doves. How could that wonderment not make one smile?

How can one look upon a city and think it is solely the work of humans? Where has the ore come from for the steel? Humans could not create anything, we do not have the power of creation, we can only use, modify, and adapt that what is provided for us. The Universe is the only thing that has the power to provide for us.

It is in its glory enough for us to look on and give thanks to simply have been allowed to glimpse upon it. Look upon the vastness a sunset, the complexity of a simple grain of corn, the towering skyline of a great city. They are all the All. To truly look upon such greatness, one is humbled. Not humbled because of fear of some token God, some vengeful idol. Humbled because at the site of the All there can be no other response.

The immenseness and greatness and wonderment of the Universe is so grand that it is a blessing just to be a very small part of it. It is a blessing to look upon any piece and know that that piece was meant for you to see. That that glory was meant for you, in your own small part, to be witness to.

God is not some thing watching from the sky. God is the sky and the dust and the road and the grain. God is All and All is God.

Getting a bit nervous now as the time approaches. 13 hours and 17 minutes until I might finally get the answers. At this point I have no idea what he is going to say. My mind is running through a thousand scenarios.

That's what I do, I obsessively run through what might happen so that I'll be better prepared for it. I do it for major events like this as well as everyday interactions and activities. I used to think that everyone did that, but I have since learned that is not the case. Most people actually just take things as they come, and if they run scenarios at all it is only for major event and then only one or two scenarios are run. Most do not take the process anywhere near as far as I do.

Running scenarios is especially important when I will be dealing with others in a potentially volatile situations or situations that may be socially confusing or overwhelming. I get lost easily and I do not pick up on social cues from others well and, although I have gotten somewhat better at that over the years. My run throughs help me know what to say and do before hand, and in that way compensate for my lack of social ability.

I've become so good at mentally compensating in many areas of my life, most people don't even realize they are very difficult problems for me. I often wonder what I could accomplish if I didn't have to spend so much of my mental resources on compensation for those resources on compensation. On the other had, I wonder what my life would be like if I wasn't lucky enough to have the degree of mental resources that I am gifted with, because without them compensation would be nearly impossible. I would be rendered almost completely non-functional.

Wow. That was some tangent.

Whatever the neurologist tells me tomorrow, things will be different for me after my appointment. I will have a different outlook, for better or for worse.

The envelope please.

another year
i still don't know how to exist
i still don't get it on a functional level
i'm still trying to fake it

a string of pearls, end untied
each bead slides off in succession and falls away
eventually there are no more

i have counted my pearls as i returned them to the ocean
the tide is dark with tears
i want to touch the ocean's heart
in trying i will surely drown

A couple days ago, I was smoking a chocolate-flavoured cigar with iamacliche and I figured out what the bubbles were. They were bugs. I saw them again behind his apartment building. They were little white bugs with white wings. They had a wingspan of about 3mm. In the hazy sunlight they looked just like tiny bubbles. Those around me have suggested I get my vision checked, as confusing bugs with bubbles could be an eyesight problem.

As they were real and just misinterpreted, seeing them was not a psychotic symptom. Even if my eyes are having problems, my image recognition processer still needs to be tweaked. Part of good image recognition processing is being able to compute a reasonable estimate of the probability of error, which my brain failed to do. My circuitry is a bit clanky, but it is still adaptable. I think that's why I have an affinity for jerryrigged items such as Oz: my brain is jerryrigged too.

I have come up with an ingenious solution to the Bebe Music Problem. Bebe was complaining that she doesn't have that many CDs. I have a large collection of MP3s on my computer (over 2000). I told her that she could pick out whatever songs off my collection she wanted and I'd burn her a CD. I like the songs I have on my computer, so I knew I'd like the songs she picked out. Not only does this mean that when Bebe plays the CD, I'm not tortured; it also means that I come off as being a very generous person.

Bebe liked the songs on my computer so much, that she's going to go out Tuesday and buy some more CDs so that I can burn her more.

The CD is burning right now.