I've done salvia divinorum in the past. However, I'd only done 1X. Last night I tried 5X. Oh my, what a difference. The world ripped away in front of my eyes into interference patterns. Then diving down, I forgot everything. Complete dissolving of definition. No knowledge of the day to day world, no sense of self. I had to rebuild my perception of reality. Put everything back together. I had even lost the concept that everything was occurring in a three-dimensional locally-euclidean space, and couldn't figure out what kept me physically separate from anything. Even as I came out of the most intense part, everything kept warping together at the edges of my perception.

The strange putting together of things, defining of things, is the journey from the wholeness at the center. Without a sense of self, everything is one. There is no need for definition or distance. What is at the center is beyond definition. It is the All, the Ineffable. Words are boxes which cannot contain It. Even saying it is "beyond definition" misses the mark, as it is neither beyond or before.

I took the journey twice last night, the first time the speed of the journey panicked me on my return trip from There to Here. The second journey I was able to experience reconstruction from a much calmer place and was able to observe the experience more.

The salvia divinorum experience is not unlike experiences I've had in the past, however the pace at which salvia divinorum triggers these experiences is frighteningly fast: the most intense part is over in the first 5 minutes, and after 10 more it's completely worn off. The short duration along with the physical immobility during the deepest part may be why such a potent herb such as salvia has managed remained legal in most of the entheogenphobic United States (Missouri being the exception).

After the journey, I made a map...


We are waves emanating out from Unity. We perceive other waves as other selves.

At Unity we become all waves, all things. There is no self at Unity.

Between the everyday sphere of perception and Unity lies a domain where the waves are not united and a self still exists in some form, however the waves interfere with each other. This interference can show up in a variety of ways, including sensory phenomena (hallucinations, patterns, distortions, etc.) and/or disorganized thinking.

When viewing an autostereogram, focus of the eyes travels from normal focus to the adjusted focus where the 3D image is visible, the focus travels through an intermediate stage of visual clutter and interference. Traveling to Unity is like refocusing your eyes.

The Universe is alive and the very particles that make up your body have free will. Our level of existence does not deny theirs, nor does their free will deny ours. In the same manner, our free will does not deny the Universe Its free will nor does the Universe's free will deny us ours. We are part of the God just as the particles that make up our bodies are part of us. Existence is not limited to our size or our view. Action, thought, even consciousness happens below and above.

Is God benevolent or malevolent? Does God love us? Is God wrathful?

These questions are fitting to ask of some man with a flowing grey beard that lives in the sky, but they are unanswerable as to God as All.

God is not only the sky above and the ground below and all that dwells in those places. God is not only everything we can touch, God is more.

God is all creation all destruction. God is life and and God is death. God is the bleeding wound and the passionate kiss. God is the roar as well as the silence.

God is all beliefs and doubts. God not just the concept of heaven and hell, but the concept that there is an above and below. God is the ideas we think as well as the air we breathe.

God is all emotions. God is all love and all hate. God is all benevolence and all malevolence. God is all wrath and all forgiveness.

God is our mathematics and our law. Our fears and our courage. Our arts, our poetries, our languages and the metaphors behind them. The truth as well as the lie.

God is energy and matter. God is the motion of the falling rock as well as the rock that falls.

God is the Happening that is the Becoming. God is what was, will be, and has been. God is even that which is not, has not been, and will never be; if what is not, has not been, and will never be is but thought.

God is the All of Everything, the Universe of Universes. This is why there can be nothing greater than God. No threat needed, no coercion. There can be none greater than All that Is, because anything else is simply part of the Everything.

I am thankful for the chance to have seen not just one sunset, but hundreds. To be able to bear witness to some small part of the Glory of the Universe. Sure, sometimes I do ask for more, sometimes I am impatient and even jealous. But, that is my own failing. I must be more mindful of what I have. I have tasted fire and touched wind, what more should I want?

"Do I have a purpose?"

"What is the point any of this?"

"Does it matter?"

Individually and collectively these are often driving questions and people take myriad of paths to seek answers. Some throw up their hands and proclaim there is no point or purpose while others plainly see their purpose. Still others will spend their lives looking for that purpose, often tormented by the lack of having one. I for a long time fell into the last category, until I came upon a sparkling thought: One need not know what their purpose is in order to have one.

That realization has been freeing. I no longer search or seek my purpose. It may not be for me to know and from my vantage point it is fully likely that i would be unable to understand if somehow shown. I am part of the weave of the Universe and no part of the Grand Structure is pointless or unnecessary.. Every person's existence has meaning even if they never know what that meaning is.

the Universe is neither fair nor righteous nor good
fair and righteous and good are human concepts
subjective judgements

it's likewise flawed to say things are the way God has meant them to be
as intent is a human concept itself

if you believe God listens to and answer your prayers
do you know what listening and answering is to God?
do you think God listens or answers in anything close to the human concept of those words?
when you ask in your prayers for what you believe is needed
do you think that you know more than God what is needed or that God shall not act until you ask?

God is the grain of sand
and the beach the grain sits on
and the shore the beach is found on
and the ocean the shore borders
and the world which holds the ocean
and the star the world orbits
and the galaxy the star lives in
and the cluster the galaxy resides in
and the universe the cluster exists in
God is the Universe of universes
everything that is anywhere
in time and space
and outside time and space
there is not anything which is not God
God is the All the Universe the Everything

we are so removed from the level of the All that we cannot hope to understand It
It is beyond our vision
beyond our place
but we can know that things are
and things are because that is how things are
and all things are part of the All that is all things
and the All that is all things is God
and that is enough

I finally understand death and I am no longer afraid of it. Even though I have no reason to expect to die in the near future, the idea of not existing has disturbed me to some degree for as long as I can remember. The idea of reincarnation brought little solace, because if even if my "soul" would go on, my memories and my experiences wouldn't. That hardly seemed like a continued existence, I still felt as if I were facing the nothingness.

It took something from the Brihadaranyaka Upanishad for me to really understand the process of death and reincarnation:

When body and mind grow weak, the Self gathers in all the powers of life and descends with them into the heart. As prana leaves the eye, it ceases to see. "He is becoming one," say the wise; "he does not see. He is becoming one, he no longer speaks, or tastes, or smells, or thinks, or knows." By the light of the heart the Self leaves the body by one of its gates; and when he leaves, prana follows, and with it all the vital powers of the body. He who is dying merges in consciousness, and thus consciousness accompanies him when he departs, along with the impression of all he has done, experienced, and known. As a caterpillar, having come to the end of one blade of grass, draws itself together and reaches out for the next, so the Self, having come to the end of one life and dispelled all ignorance, gathers in his faculties and reaches out from the old body to a new. As a goldsmith fashions an old ornament into a new and more beautiful one, so the Self, having reached the end of the last life and dispelled all ignorance, makes for himself a new, more beautiful shape, like that of the devas or other celestial beings. The Self is indeed Brahman, but through ignorance people identify it with intellect, mind, sense, passions, and the elements of earth, water, air, space, and fire. This is why the Self is said to consist of this and that, and appears to be everything.

My fear of death was founded on my fear of letting go of my worldly memories, knowledge, and ideas. That somehow letting go of these things was letting go of me. But these things are not me. Letting go of these things is deconstruction. I've gone through deconstruction in life, why should I fear it in death? Why have I for so long clinged to the idea that I must be defined by what are essentially mortal things. Death is simply a change, a paradigm shift. There is nothing to fear in death, and I shall worry on it no longer.

the truth is never as it seems and is at all times subject to change
this is not a cynicism
it the state of the universe
the states of existence
the state of all

questions without answers
and answers without questions
we are lost in the eternal flux

the ground we walk upon
the very earth
is mostly not there
empty space with some ephemeral probabilities
we are the stuff of nothing
and together we form everything
the universe is our nothing god
the collection of all the might be
could be
should have been
the directed will of thinking void
we are its thoughts
consciousness manifest
a small part of our own deception

I strongly dislike the ingrained genderedness of the Divine prevalent in many modern religions and societies. God is the All and the Everything, to try to apply a human level concept such as gender to God is foolishness. However, the patriarchally attached maleness of God is so ingrained that it is hardly noticeable when God is referenced as male. Even people who see the Divine as beyond gender occasionally slip up and use gendered pronouns in reference to God. The genderedness of God is so pervasive that it is exceedingly difficult to escape the concept.

This is one of the reasons people may reject the Divine, one of many ways patriarchal dogma taints religion. But, I do not believe that one must reject God the All in order to reject the token God of the patriarchy. I will not reject the Divine on the basis of the patriarchy's many corruptions and lies. To do so on that basis would be letting the patriarchy dictate my relationship with the Divine just as much as if I were to follow their dogma, and that is not acceptable to me.

I feel very good right now. A lot less dissociated than I have been for a while. I had a cigar then went down to Spy Pond. I sat near the shore and meditated. I have drifted back away from mindfulness in my life, and I have forgotten how wonderful it is to find that place. To look at the amazing that exists all around me.

I do better with short to medium length meditations spread throughout the day than I do with longer ones. No matter how hectic any day is, no matter what else I have to do, no matter where I am, I must do these meditations. They are better than any psych med ever was.

My mind gets lost in loops and I lose the path. I become distanced from myself, those around me, and the Everything. But, it is okay that that happens. It is the way I am. The best I can do is keep to the path as best I can and accept my limits. I am the way I am for a reason, and I must take my problems with my blessings.

i am in the dark places now
split apart from where i feel is what i know
i know these dark places are not all there is
but i feel now that i shall not see beyond
farther down, i know none of this is real
but it is there still
and there is nothing else

i must learn to see the always beauty
even if it is always hollow
i must learn to merge what i know with what i feel
even if neither are true
i must accept that the universe is infinite in wonder and bliss
and infinite in darkness and despair

there is nothing good nor bad
there is nothing wrong nor right
there is just experience
forever and always
never ending and never beginning

to wander below stars
and try reach them
some day to be them
they are where we're from
and where we're going to

nothing more is here than was here before
and nothing less
it never changes and never stays the same

again i meet the riddle here
the truth which is the lie
forget this all as nonsense
muttered by the mad
i cannot tell you where this is
but only that i will never leave

do you think you are so fucking holy that you can leave this place?
do you think you are any less trapped here than everyone else?
there is no way out
there is no escape
because you cannot escape that which you are
and you are this place
you are you and you are the trap
there is no way out
death will not free you
enlightenment will not free you
god will not free you
nothing will free you
you cannot be freed
the most we can do is try to make the best of this place we are all trapped in
because we are going to be here forever
and forever, as they say, is a very long time

My flight from Chicago to Saint Louis was delayed and took place after the sun had gone down. In the air, I looked down and saw all the cities lit in the bright yellow street lights that are most commonly used now. I thought to myself... "shining cities of gold". I could not think of a more accurate description of what I saw below me. I was struck in awe.

The sight is grand, and in part it is such sites that lead humans to believe they are above nature. Above the All. Much like Yzordderrex, these cities of gold are an imitation to the Great City of Gold that is both God and God's city, that is the Universe of a uncountable number of shining suns. It is a pale imitation we have built here on our rock, and even the smallest of those suns far outshine all of our cities together.

Many would fashion humanity collectively as the new demiurge, above the All as true masters and creators of the universe surrounding them. But, humans only have the ability to change what is already here, we cannot create. We are but a small part of the Everything and therefore cannot rival the Universe, we cannot be greater than Everything. When we look in awe at the works of humanity, it is important to keep in mind the scale of the Universe and our place in relation to it.

There are things that I try to say. Things that cannot be said because for such things there can be no words. Many people will therefore find much of what I say nonsensical. I am by far not the only one who sees these things, I am just one of those who is foolish enough to attempt to speak them.

I talk of demons and of angels and of monsters and of God. I remember the walls stained with blood and I know where the devil lives. I have wandered between the dreaming and waking to where I could no longer distinguish one from the other. I am friends with færies and do business with ghosts. I have walked the asylums and tasted their zombie potions. I do not speak in the polite language of the day. I am mad, of course. And that is that.

Poll #679854
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All

Would you rather have...

Would you rather...

Would you rather...

Would you rather be...

Would you rather be...

Would you rather be...

If you could only have one, would you rather have...

If you could only experience one ever again, would you rather experience...

If you could choose what happens to you after death, would you rather...

Last night I had a bit of a breakdown. But, because of that breakdown I learned about something I've been trying to figure out for some time now: the nature of evil. Again, the answer has always been right in front of me, but I never really looked to see it: Evil is in the demon eyes.

To look through demon eyes is to look at the universe or the world or the that which is within the world with utter despisement, contempt, and hate. I've worn demon eyes, and I would venture to say that every person has seen the world through them at one point or another. Looking through demon eyes feels very very good. The world seems dark and one seem above it all. It aggrandizes the ego, providing an amazing powertrip, frees one from bindings of morality and love, and can even allow one to see themselves as righteous in these things. There is a revelry in evil, and one can become addicted to that revelry.

By looking through demon one becomes a demon. Demon eyes allow people to knowingly do very harmful things for personal gain, and sometimes even to do harmful things to simply be harmful. The demon eyes are very dangerous, and they are the root of the much, if not most, of the human-caused suffering in the world. The Demon sees the world as ugly and works to make it so.

Some people live the majority of their lives looking through demon eyes. It is an addiction. It is heroin of the soul, and eventually turns the barer into a bitter jaded junky, a demons in the machine.

Demons are real. They are all around us. They are human, and they are us.

I'm trying to keep from looping, but sometimes it happens anyway. If I catch the loop early, I can break free of it by will power or meditational prayers. But, once it gets going very strongly, my mind becomes blocked to the All and I can see only the loop. Different strategies are then needed.

I used to use methods such as cutting and purging to pull me out. But they only worked somewhat, and ended up becoming loops in and of themselves.

Methods I use now are taking a walk, taking a long shower, smoking a cigar, smoking some weak salvia, or talking with Sol or Luna.

If the looping is beyond that, I will attempt to go to sleep. Sleep seems to be the most powerful non-destructive method of reseting loops available on a daily basis. I can wake up and am able to do my meditational prayer again and find the balance.

If I can't get to sleep, I take one of the dwindling number of Klonopins I have left over from when I had a prescription. I know that it's technically a psych med, but my dislike for psych meds is rooted in living on them. Taking one occasionally, especially with the intent of using it to sleep, is not the kind of use I am weary of.

Sometimes even sleep isn't enough. The looping load has a habit of building over time and occasionally A much larger reset button is needed. But I am not currently at that point.

I'm doing much better at keeping myself in the good place, even if I still loop sometimes. The fact that I am not freaking out all the time with my current level of stress is in and of itself a vast improvement. While I still have minor freakouts, they pass quickly. And even when I'm looping and out of touch, I am more able to move and function. I'm finding new ways to adapt. New ways to continue. New ways to be.

It's a difficult journey, but it is a journey that I have no choice but to take. An easy path was never promised to anyone. Although my path has seen many hardships, it has also seen many joys, and for that I am truly blessed.