Poll #1148168 Sin and Virtue
Open to: All, results viewable to: All

What is your favorite deadly sin?

What is your favorite holy virtue?

i hate how angry i can get
i've been wearing the demon eyes too much lately
and i've lost that place of center again
i need to work back to it or i am going to drive myself... i don't know
i was going to say "crazy"
but i've always been crazy
and one cannot drive oneself to where one already is
but i need to find that spot again
i know that it is possible
i know that i can
i just need to
i get here every now and again
and i suppose i always will
the path of life is windy
and getting lost every now and then is a bit inevitable
the point is to not give up when your lost
the point is to keep moving
always keep moving
find the path again

The weekend before last, I lost the cane that Christian had given me. I left it in the shopping cart at the Super 88 and it was gone.

This past weekend, my serpent staff broke. The cane I can brush off as being spacy when I got in purpleglitter's car, but when something happens to the serpent staff it is generally means I've strayed off course. It broke in an entirely new place than it did before - after I repair it, it will have three different sections. I lost my spiritual path of late, life has overwhelmed me.

Life has overwhelmed me because I've let it overwhelm me. I've become frustrated and impatient with things that don't matter, and have been neglecting things that do. I need to be more mindful of my thoughts, actions, and intents. I need to right my path and fix my staff.

I've been so angry lately. I don't know why. I really don't have anything to be angry about. Things are a bit stressful right now, but I've been under far more stress in the past and haven't felt like this. It's a raw, seething, deep and senseless anger. There is no direction, no reason, it's almost primal in its nature. I'm snappy and hotheaded and I fear my anger is rubbing off on those around me like a plague. I need to take a day and just focus on this anger and where it is coming from and what to do about it. I need to set aside a day of peace and meditation and reflection and figure it out.

We damn ourselves when we live through demon eyes. No higher power need intervene, we are fully capable of our own downfall. When we act as demons, we create our own hell. No divine judgement or arbitration, it is simply a matter of causality.

This is the nature of sin. This is the nature of good action verses bad action. When we act with anger and hate and greed rather than with love and compassion and understanding, that is sin. When our actions increase the suffering rather than diminish it, that is bad action. And what we reap is a world of pain and hate and mistrust. We are all connected and we share in what we bring forth.

when i was homeless i could not stay in a shelter because i am a tranny
i felt not part of the society around me
i most hated the goody goody
the "proper and respectable"
i lurked in the shadows and stole from the shops
i snuck into buildings (trespassing) for warmth and sleep
i was neither proper nor respectable
but i felt my stealing and trespassing reasonable
i still believe they were
but the "proper and respectable" never will

i carried a lot of anger as i walked the darknesses
looking at the happy faces heading home burned my eyes red with fire
it has been long time to let go of these ancient angers
and to look now with clear eyes

i am outside me now
i see how that anger still taints my political views
i identify with the underdog
the downtrodden
i inherently distrust the proper and respectable
in the current conflict in the middle east
the palestinians and the lebanese have gone through much more strife and hardship than i ever have
and israel is the "proper and respectable"
this adds a layer of distrust to whatever it does
bush’s support drives that home
the bush administration has mastered the self-righteousness "proper and respectable"

i must observe that my emotions play in my political beliefs
my views may or may not be wrong
and after exploring them my view may or may not
but it is important for me to explore those biases
and what blindnesses those biases might be producing

if one cannot question oneself
one does not have an open mind

i am in a dark place tonight
i do not like this place
i am a big mean evil nasty bitch
i don't like me right now
i'm moody and irritable
quick tempered
i need to calm down
get a grip
ground and center
but i cannot find me
and if i cannot find me i cannot center me
i drift away
not in my body
not in my mind
outside of my own existence
but still a part of it
i wander always
tomorrow i'll be somewhere else

gacked from neuroptik:

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	High
Sloth:	Very High
Envy:	Low
Lust:	Very High
Pride:	High

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com

You all know by now that I have deep seated anger. I don't know how much longer I can keep it as contained as I have. It's peeking out more and more. I have more short bursts of temper. I have always been afraid to let it loose. Fully. I try to keep it as contained as posible, because once I open this bottle I don't know if I can ever put to top back on. The depth and scope of my rage is so great that it consumes me. It always has. But lately with a combination of pressures both micro and macro, I don't know if I can hold it in at all anymore. I fear I may snap. Soon. Completely lose control. And I don't know what will happen.

I just bounced two checks and got charged $50 for the pleasure. I hate banks. Bank fees are just another way American society is set up to screw the poor. Now I'm screwed financially for next month, too. I got very angry when I heard this and kicked some snow. Kicking snow is a great way to release anger. It makes a big explosions but doesn't hurt anyone.

i need to be more forgiving of myself
i get mad at myself for doing badly
and that only makes me do worse
i need to be okay with the fact that i do badly sometimes
let myself breath
if i slip up and purge, it doesn't mean i should look for ways to punish myself
if i end up in the hospital, i haven't been "bad"
i know these things already from an objective point of view
but integrating them into my thought patterns is hard work
but it's work i need to do
maybe i'll talk to my therapist about it
if i can handle a session with her without freaking out
i don't know if i can
i feel so uncomfortable around her
but i shouldn't
she explained what happened the other week
the reason she was trying to talk to others was to get an idea of safety
she wanted to make sure all of us were safe
that's understandable
she didn't mean to pull cyndi out
she didn't even know how dangerous cyndi was
i though she was being reckless
but she was just trying to help
i really need to give her another chance

i miss the playroom at the old house_of_clocks
it was such a representation of me
i had all sorts of things written on the wall
the writings were all pieces of me
angry and happy
resilient and giving up
my tinfoil room
odd things screwed and nailed to the ceiling
plastic eggshells, pictures, etc.
gave it a odd feel
it was shiny
my tinfoil room
i'd see shapes in the walls
everything was bright
either reflective or colorful
or often both
the room was where i spent most my time
i miss that room
it was crazy like me

i don't know what to do
i think i just upset everyone
maybe the spirit is trying to help
i don't know
maybe i should go back in the psych ward
maybe i should just sleep
maybe i should stop trying to please everyone
maybe i should stop hurting everyone
because that's all i seem to be capable of doing
hurting people
fucking with peoples heads
that's what this is all about
a mind fuck
for me and you
games with death and blood
spirits and lights
nothing is here
there never was anything
this is all just fucked up
fucked up like me
i hate me
i hate me
i hate me
i just hurt people
i hate me

it's neitherday
i want to walk in the neitherday air
i cannot
cops prowl the streets
evil transphobic peoples prowl the streets
generally unpleasant folk prowl the streets
it's the wrong night
i am inebriated
trapped inside
i want out
i hate this world
that makes me have to carry rocks
charlie holds them for me
sometimes cho or lily hold them
but lately charlie does
i don't like being afraid
i want to be like shahrazad
she was angry
she was fearless
she was awesome in every way
she knew everything had at least 7 levels of meaning
and she understood them all
she was and is who i want to be
i wonder if she is still alive
she probably doesn't like me anymore if she is
we had a bit of a falling out
it doesn't matter now
the tides of time have drifted so far
echoes of what might have been
if i were who i am
but i was not
and i will not be
and that is how it shall always be

My hair looks wonderful. I'm very thankful to purpleglitter for walking me through the process of dying my hair myself. She has infinite patience. I wish I could say the same about me. I grump at her far to often, and she doesn't deserve to be grumped at. She is wonderful and I'm going to make a very large effort at grumping considerably less at her.

I owe purpleglitter many many apologies. I understand if she won't want to be around me anymore. I really have become a grumpy bitchy. I haven't been treating her very well at all. I feel horrible about that. I love her. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I'm so nasty and mean. I want to stop being like that. I want to stop being like that.