zarthon took merryperseis and I out to lunch at Akbar today. Yummy yummy Indian Food. After lunch, we went to the Diesel Café for chai.

Next, we went to Goodwill, where I got a new pair of buckle shoes. I love buckles. They're not the big buckles like I've worn in the past, but buckles they be.

We got back to the house_of_clocks and sat around the table in my room chatting. I dearly need to do some cleaning. I haven't been in a state to get much of it done. Soon, I plan to have a clean room. Soon. Soon I will. I must. I can't stand living in this pit. This must change.

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At around 9:00pm, merryperseis and I went to Porter Square in search of my make-up. I'm afraid that my current powder, Revlon Shine Control, may be discontinued. It's the most wonderful powder, and I really don't want to have to search for a new one. I'm going to check a couple other places tomorrow to see if I can find any.

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I put the new buttons on my outfit for Man Ray tomorrow. purpleglitter will be coming over to take piccies, which I'll post here. I'm very excited about it.

It looks as if I may have to get a job. I don't know if it is possible for us to hold one down, but if we have to try, we have to try.

I've already called one of the places I've worked at in the past. Maybe they'll take me back. I don't know. I did a good job and left on good terms.

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Therapy went well today. Anne is finally starting to grasp the dynamics of our system, which is necessary if she is going to help us. For a while she has held the misconception that "Beverly" is a personalty. "Beverly" is just an illusion we show to the outside world. None of us are "Beverly". Having an external name that we all use is convenient, as any of us can correctly identify ourselves as "Beverly". This creates a lot less confusion when interacting with singletons.

Therapy was canceled today. Anne is sick. I'm not sure why I'm going to therapy anymore. I don't seem to be making any progress. All the therapy sessions seem to be is a discussion of the activities of last week. I was going to bring up this issue, as well as others, with Anne today; but, I guess it'll have to wait until next week.

My therapist asked us to count the personalities in the Central Group. We came up with 10. She said she thought there were 15. This panicked me greatly, it seemed to panicked many of us. What if the Central Group was falling apart, and we were losing even the memory of those who were part of it. State of utter panic the whole way home.

I went back through our old writing, and found that there have always just been 10 in the Central Group. We haven't lost anyone. I feel much better now.

zarthon came over this afternoon. We played the evil game a couple of times. He convinced me to give Anne another try. I've got a new appointment with her tomorrow. He also said he was going to help us out with our disability appeal. He's one of my all time bestest friends.

After zarthon left, I got ready to go see freyja. Another person from LiveJournal that I'd never seen IRL. We both got Chai at the Diesel Café (We found a seat immediately after we arrived!!!!) I really enjoy this new habit of meeting lj friends IRL.

I just got back from therapy. At the end of the session, my therapist asked if there was anything else I wanted her to do. She told me we spend our sessions talking about how much I hate myself and what I've done to myself lately, and was there anything more she could do? I don't know what she meant by that. She listens and talks. I don't really know what else she could do as a therapist. She said to think about it for our next session.

Today has been a good day, although I've been asleep for most of it. Tomorrow Lake and I are going to the ballet. The tickets were zarthon's Christmas gift for us. I'm excited. Lake and I could really use a nice evening out on the town.

Last night I ended up cutting myself. Not as badly as I often do, just 3 long slashes on my upper leg. I was upset at myself, and felt the need to punish myself. I know I really shouldn't be doing that, but I feel I deserve it sometimes.

I've been feeling very suicidal lately. I am tempted to go down the pond near where Nu-Nu is buried and take a bunch of pills and lie down and go to sleep. It would really help if it was snowing. The two reasons I haven't done that yet, is I worry about Lake and I want to figure out what's going on with me. It's still a powerful impulse, though. I don't know how long I can resist it, especially when it snows.

I told my therapist about the cutting and the suicide thoughts. I was a little worried that by telling her, I'd end up getting my self hospitalized. I'm glad that didn't happen. Therapy's been really productive lately, and should continue to be, now that she wants to start seeing us every week.

I've eaten too much today. Rather than purge, however, I cut. It really doesn't accomplish anything, but it does make not purging easier to deal with. I need to deal with things one at a time. Bulimia first, then cutting. I don't think I can stop both at once. I've decided to stop bulimia first because it effects my overall life in a much more negative way than cutting. I'm sure my therapist won't agree. She's incredibly against cutting, but doesn't seem to think bulimia is that serious. As long as she doesn't put me away again I think I may have a shot at beating the bulimia thing. The last time I was in the hospital, my bulimia got quite out of control.

I'm not going to tell Lake I cut this time. She always gets so worried. I've been cutting on my arms, which usually means she finds out whether I tell her or not. But. this time I cut on my thighs, so she won't find out.

I'm feeling better now. I know I have to work on a lot of things. I have to remember what my therapist said: not to focus on accomplishing things, we shouldn't expect too much of ourself right now. I have to remember that, if I screw up, it's okay. I'll just try again. I'll just keep trying. Eventually I'll get it right.

Just got back from seeing my therapist and pdoc. Went well even though Debra decided not to do all the talking. Left us in a few uncomfortable silences. I ended up showing my therapist my arms and I didn't get put away. I was really worried. She said as long as I could contract for safety. I told I could for me, but not for Cyndi. She said I was responsible for Cyndi. How am I supposed to be responsible for Cyndi, I have absolutely no control over her. Grrr...

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On the way to therapy I missed the bus. The next bus would get me there too late, so I was forced to spend $22 on a cab. I can't be wasting money like that!

We're going to go to our therapist and pdoc appointments today. Debra should be in front. I'm going to help her maintain stability. If Debra can stay in front and they don't ask to see our arms, everything should be fine. I'm not sure wether Debra could talk our way out of another hospitalization if our therapist sees our arms. Our therapist is very puritanical when it comes to cutting. She doesn't understand sometimes it just happens, and while it's not okay, it really shouldn't get us hospitalized. Hopefully Debra will be able to get that across, I know I'd fail.

Cyndi came out and cut my arms. Lots of long cuts. More cuts on my right arm, but bloodier on my left. I'm thinking of skipping my therapist today. If she sees my arms she's going to freak. I don't want to be put back away. I want to stay out. I have plans tomorrow. fuck fuck fuck fuck. It's our problem, not my damn therapist's! Why should I have to worry about what she thinks. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I'm just a mess today, and I want to stay a free mess, not a locked up one. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Damn it Cyndi!! Why? Why? We were doing so good! Why? Why? Now they're going to fucking lock us up again. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Had a very nice walk through the woods with Sara. Nice conversations, nice scenery. Enjoyed some food and some new energy water beverage from Trader Joe's. The Great Meadow is gorgeous in the autumn.

Started slipping shortly before Sara left.

Still getting the waves of depression.

Everything seems to be too much for us right now. Worried about a lot of things external and internal. War, terrorism, new therapist dragging things out, our increasing instability, money, my friends' and family's problems, my upcoming trip to Missouri. I just want to forget about everything. Just pretend it doesn't exist. But I can't. It does.

Just got back from our new therapist. Our new pdoc picked her out. First visits are always nervous.

She had us do a count of how many personalities are in the Central Group. We've never really did a count before (weird, but true). The count came up to 10: Beast, Cyndi, Deborah, Debra, Guardian, Gloria (me!), Mildred, Sally, Shirley, and Starflower. There are also an untold number of personalities outside the Central Group that we don't know about, but that is for the most part the cast.

The new therapist was really nice. She asked a lot of questions, but that's her job. I feel like she's really going to pick us apart, but that's her job too. I'm a bit nervous moving forward, but that's what we're doing: moving forward.

I like my new psychiatrist. The visit went very well. She confirmed my thoughts on medication, that they don't really help that much with DID. She tested me for side effects to my Risperdal, which I hadn't been tested for before. I turned out fine. She found me a therapist at the same clinic, I have an appointment in a week and a half. She didn't get hung up on our transgenderedness, which is one of the things I was most worried about happening. My initial feeling is that our new pdoc will be someone we will be able to trust and someone who will be able to help us.