I'm cold, depressed, and worthless. Empty. I've been poking around the computer for hours, not getting anything productive done. I haven't actually done anything productive in days. There is a lot I need to do, I just don't know if I care right now. I think I'll go to bed.
Good returns from yesterday. I stayed up to around 1am watching them come in, then went to bed. It seems that Bush might actually have to deal with reality.
I'm confident that the democrats will pull off at least a 50-50 split in the senate, which while still giving Republicans the edge would probably lead to a system of sharing committees and staff budget as it did last time. The democrats could still pull off a complete victory and take the senate – they hold the edge in both still-contested seats but they have to take both of them.
Is it just me or do critical election results drag on more than they used to. Yeah, I know there have been historic messes such as Hayes vs. Tilden, but the frequency of messes seems to have greatly increased of late.
I've made this error many times. I write a post. Then I change my mind about it. Then I write a new post, but forget to change the title from the title of the old post. I post the new post with the old title. Then I look like a complete idiot or worse when people try to figure out why I titled the post the way I did.
Whatever. I'm thinking about this far too seriously. I think I must have e-OCD. No one really gives a fuck and I am I tired and I should go to bed.
recoiling and I did about 4 hours of cleaning in my room. It's not done. Many times I've made significant progress only to have my room fall back before it got to the point of being clean. However, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel this time. So close I can taste it.
I'm going to clean my sheets now. I may finish the cleaning tonight or tomorrow, and if I don't recoiling will come back and help me Thursday.
I'm giving recoiling a staff as thanks for her efforts, and after she's done we're going to polyurethane it together in the playroom. She's awesome and been so incredibly unbelievably helpful. I think that my mental state will be much improved when I truly have a livable room.
I've spent most of today and a good deal of yesterday helping purpleglitter with her pre-move. Making boxes, packing, bringing stuff downstairs. The birds in the new apartment, each got to spend a little bit of time just enjoying the outdoors and listening to the outdoor birdie sounds. I keep hearing a finch up here still, perhaps it's Isobel's ghost.
I made sure to catch the sunset this evening, as I won't have the spectacular vantage point after purpleglitter moves. I took a number of pictures, and will likely be posting them from the house_of_clocks tomorrow. I've got 30-60 minutes of work to do, then I'm off to bed.
Tomorrow morning at 9:00 the movers arrive. I'm about to disconnect this computer and bring it down.
I haven't actually slept at the house of clocks for quite a while now. Ever since I started my room project, my bed has been covered in junk, and I haven't really done much in the way of cleaning in the last week or two. I need to reconnect with my own space, the time I've spent not-here is not healthy. I've finally gotten my bed cleaned off, and tonight I will be sleeping again in the house_of_clocks.
I've moved my bed to its place in the new arrangement of my room and I've finally set up Severus again. I've been washing things with cleaner as I've been moving them, and have found a strange unidentified reddish-orange sticky goo on several items. Scary. Still got much to do, but I've gotten yet another big chunk of the cleaning and rearranging done. At this rate, my room will be ready to show of very shortly.
I'm feeling much better than I was earlier. I still go to the dark places, I imagine that I always will. And that is okay. The difference now is that I don't tend to dwell in those places. I understand that the dark places have a purpose, but I do not wish to be trapped there.
In the past, I would get stuck in those depths for days or months or years because all I can see while I am in those places is the darkness. But I have found the key. The key is that I do not look for the out, I do not try to find the right path. Instead, I repeat the mantra "keep moving" and I just keep moving. Eventually I walk past the edge of the shadows. The path isn't what matters, what matters is that I don't stay where I am. That I don't stagnate.
----
The hour grows late and the dream world awaits me. I must retire to bed. I learned long ago that if you don't visit the dream world, the dream world visits you.
I woke up later than normal this morning, around 8:30. I went over to the house_of_clocks where I fed the mazzycat.
I started my hour of reading a half hour early, and went all the way through to 11:00.
After reading, I went immediately back over to purpleglitter's apartment, where I took the cover's off the bird cages, fed the birds their mixes (seeds and pellets) and gave them all carrot tops (which they are in the process of devouring). I changed their waters, and gave Squeaky a fresh bath. I do this every day at 11:00, so that purpleglitter will get plenty of time to spend with the birds after she gets home from work. Getting them up early meant they had to go to bed early and purpleglitter missed most of the playtime with them.
In a way, taking care of mazzycat and the birds already has provided some structure to my day, I just hadn't realized it. Project Schedule will still hopefully provide more, but it's not like I'm starting off from scratch.
Waking up and posting in the middle of the night I am after being sick most of the day. Although I tend to love the rain, I think the cold steady drizzle finally got me.
-----
Tomorrow I see my therapist for the first time in 5 weeks. There will be a two month gap coming up when I go to Ontario for July and she is on vacation for August. At this point, the gaps do not bother me. I seem to get along just fine without therapy, and am still questioning the point of even continuing it.
My skepticism about therapy at this point has nothing to do with my current therapist, who is the best that I've found to date. My skepticism is simply due to the fact my doubt that the asymmetrical relationship offered by therapy is able to provide me with benefit at this point.
I have many people in my life that I'm on a more even standing with whom I can talk freely with, and I trust their advice and insight more simply because we have two-sided relationships. I know them more. I know their biases, backgrounds, and beliefs. I know them at all, in fact. The vary nature of the relationship with a therapist prevents that level of trust and understanding.
The one-sidedness of the relationship with a therapist can be incredibly useful for some people in some situations, and I've found it helpful at points in the past. However, for me here and now, I don't think it's working. It may be time to move on.
I broke my staff. I had put it on my bed and I sat on it. I am such an idiot. I need to remember that it is just a thing. That it was mine when it needed to be mine and now maybe i don't need it. Maybe it was meant for me for a small period of time and then it is gone. Maybe something else. I haven't been meditating and praying enough. I feel like I'm slipping back into the fog of the everyday. Maybe I need to capture back that sacred space of the soul that seems to be slipping away. It is something that needs to be fought for. A constant effort. Maybe the breaking staff tells me I'm losing my way. I've made an attempt to fix the staff with gorilla glue held down by a bolt of wire i bought to make færie wings. Oddly symbolic as I've left to the faeries to supervise the mending of my gift from the færies. Maybe I should be less beating myself up over breaking the staff and looking to the symbolism of what is occurring. Find the meaning in this. There is too much here for their not to be meaning.
Spent the better part of today trying to find mazzycat. When I arrived at home, I found that the food I had left for her last night was uneaten. That worried me a bit, but I thought that maybe there was something she didn't like about the food. I went upstairs and could not find her. i looked everywhere and could not find her. I moved my bed into the center of my room just in case I couldn't see her under it from the side, and I could not find her. I remember that the door to the back stairwell was for some reason open when I was leaving last night, which is odd. I had shut it and didn't think mazzycat had slipped through. Sara noticed my searching, and offered to help. We went down the stairs and searched the basement, and could not find her. At this point I was convinced that she had gotten out of the house. We searched the area around the house_of_clocks for some time, singing the food song, and could not find her. I called purpleglitter and she rushed over to help out. purpleglitter and I scowered the house again and searched around the neighborhood again to no avail. I reported mazzycat missing and ordered prints of her at Walgreens to use on fliers. Per purpleglitter's suggestion, I left the back door open, so that if she was hiding in the basement she could get back in. When the prints were finally done, I picked them up and brought them home. Upon my arrival back at home, who was at the top of the front stairs? mazzycat!! She had dirty paws from hiding in the basement, but she was okay!! I was so excited to see her. It was such a bad and stressful day, but I have my mazzycat back, and that is good.
I made a good dent into my room. purpleglitter sat with me while I did it, which was extremely helpful. I'm not anywhere near done, but at least it's a start.
purpleglitter said she'd pay for me to do my laundry if I do hers as well. I'm at her place now, and brought a load consisting of a couple items of bedding and the cover for my keyboard. She only has enough cash on hand to do two loads tonight, so that is all I'll be doing for now.
I feel a better actually getting something done for a change. Hopefully I can keep up this modicum of momentum.
“It's been another crazy day, as you've probably gathered. I got permission from a certain person ot give more details about some of the stuff that's gone on concerning this other person.
So what's beein going on is that there's a person here who's bound to a wheelchair for various reasons and she's been blatantly mishandled by the staff many times. Saturday they threw her wheelchair across the hall like it was nothing, like a toy, with her in it. And that was the beginning, well maybe not the beginning but one of the earlier things. Like later on...on Saturday they had her near the quiet room because she was complaining. They were trying to put her in the quiet room and she fell on the floor, she got bruises, and they wouldn't help her up. Literally, they just left her on the floor. I went up to help her and they told me to go away, that I was interfering with her treatment. I just said "fuck you" and went up and I helped her back onto her chair, because I'm not going to leave her on the floor because she fell off her wheelchair. I'm sorry but that's where they left her. And I helped her back off the floor and I sat in there with her.
After Saturday night they put her on open areas and she was required to be...they made her sit in the hall Sunday....all day Sunday in this sort of lounge chair that was really hurting her back because she's got severe back problems, and she couldn't sit in her wheelchair 24/7, so she's got to sit in her recliner. Better to be in the bed, but at least this reclining seat is a little more comfortable, even if it's not an ideal thing for her to sit on. But while she was in her reclining seat, they decided they didn't want the wheelchair sitting next to her in the hallway, because somehow it was a danger because maybe a patient might throw it or something. I don't know cuz the patient would obviously not throw any of the other thousand chairs around the hall. But they took her wheelchair away and locked it up. I mean literally locked her wheelchair away from her, and they wouldn't let us move that chair around. I mean, we did a little, but they would yell at us for it.
So, after that, we... (sorry, there's someone right here, I got to take a pause). Ok, they left. I don't want to...I have to be cautious who I say things in front of, because there are people on my case still. She was stuck in that chair, we sat next to her. They stole her wheelchair for two hours last night. And we're all...like me and another person...are telling them it's not right what they're doing to her. And they made her sleep in the hall all night in that chair. That was not really good for her back. I mean, it's better than her wheelchair, but she needs to be in a bed.
And today, not only they first, they took the lounge chair away from her, first off. And they brought her into a meeting in the wheelchair, and while she was in there, they took the lounge chair and locked it up, because after the two hours, they gave the wheelchair back last night. So she wouldn't have the lounge chair cuz now they decided that wouldn't be in the hallway. So when she came back out, she needed to get out of the wheelchair, so she ended up just lying on the floor with a pillow. And just was very upset about this. And I was, and another person was too, and a couple other people actually, are all standing around.
So I found another lounge chair that was used for the guard to sit in the quiet room with, and I brought it to her, and we helped her into it. And I sat in the wheelchair, and they brought her in the wheelchair into another meeting. They were first saying that they were going to have to take that lounge chair away, too.
[[ Please keep reading in the comments - LJ said the post was too long, so I've posted the rest of it in the comments ]]”
“I recently saw a movie named Gigi. I think that's the name I might be a little off, but it has Al Pacino in it, and there was a line that Al Pacino said that really stuck with me, and I believe it's very true. You see there was a scene where (it was a mob movie) so there was a scene where him, who was one of the high up people in the mob and a couple of the henchmen were sitting around, and Al Pacino noticed that one of the guys had a gun...
[[ partial transcription - see comments for remainder ]]”
mellow
depressed
groggy
amused![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
recoiling and I did about 4 hours of cleaning in my room. It's not done. Many times I've made significant progress only to have my room fall back before it got to the point of being clean. However, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel this time. So close I can taste it.
accomplished![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small}
house_of_clocks tomorrow. I've got 30-60 minutes of work to do, then I'm off to bed.
busy
hungry
