I got a letter Friday from my primary care nurse. The letter was dated Tuesday, the day after I saw my endo. The letter informed me that she set me up with an appointment for an MRI (albeit non-gallium based). I guess my endo lit a fire under her ass. My endo is good.

I have an appointment with my primary care nurse tomorrow about getting an referral to a rheumatologist. The letters constitute a slight change is sea, and I am optimistic that my appointment tomorrow will go well.

I saw my endocrinologist today. As normal, she renewed my prescription and had my blood drawn. As part of the exam, she asked if I had any leg swelling. I mentioned the oddness behind the backs of my right knee and elbow and that my primary care nurse thought they were lipomas, but that I was doubting that assessment. She took a look at my knee and agreed that there was not a lipoma there. She suggested they might be ganglion cysts, but wasn't so sure because they appeared too lateral in form.

She suggested that I see a rheumatologist for a more specific diagnosis, but that my primary care nurse would have to give me a referral. I told her that I doubted my primary care nurse would, as she doesn't believe anything I say; to which my endocrinologist replied "She'll believe me.". At least I'm getting someone to believe something health related isn't in my head.

I went to see my new primary care nurse practitioner today. The appointment went really well.

First, her assistant took my weight and vitals. My blood pressure was on the low side of normal, as was my temperature. Both still within the normal range and both typical for my vitals. My weight was what surprised me. I had gotten up to 230lbs. But that was over six months ago. I haven't been weighed since then. I weighed in at under 200lbs. 199lbs to be exact. Quite a difference. I guess I've been doing a good job with my eating and exercising. I seem to have quit Project Three Meals over the last few days. I think I'm going to start Attempt 7. 180lbs is my ideal weight. It seems achievable in the near future.

After the weighing, I waited about 15 minutes until the nurse practitioner walked in. She went over all the medical history forms I filled out, and actually paid attention to what I had to say. She was very helpful and non-condescending. I felt extremely comfortable with her.

We discussed my issues with dizziness and the pains and the bumps. She does not think the dizziness and the pains are related. She felt my behind-elbow, and said she could feel what appears to be a lipoma, a benign fatty tumor. She said they can be caused by repeated swellings, which may be associated with what is causing the pains the my behind-elbow and behind-knee. She suggested that it is some sort of tendon or ligament problem and that I should try using ice.

About the dizzy spells, she could not identify the problem but is setting me up with appointments with both an ophthalmologist and a neurologist. An ophthalmologist surprised me, but she says there is a chance that the issue is somehow related to my eyes. Hopefully soon the issue will be finally sorted out.

Due to another unrelated issue I discussed with her, I need to also start taking a fiber supplement.

I'm much happier with her than I have been with the doctors I've seen. I feel like things are finally moving forward. I'm still a bit nervous, but am now a bit optimistic as will.

i don't know what's going on. i seem to be deteriorating. these problems are very debilitation. i'm weary of leaving the house unescorted for fear i'll end up at the emergency room. i saw my primary care doctor yesterday, hoping to get some help on these issues.

the pains in my behind-elbows and behind-knees, mostly on the right side. the pain also appears on my neck and temples sometimes, again usually on the right side. now there is a slight swelling on my right behind-elbow and behind my right knee. i've been concerned about the strange elongated bump on my right behind-elbow that's been there for months, and that is the main reason i saw my primary care doctor.

i've also been having dizzy spells. falling to the ground. i can usually predict that i will no longer be able to walk, and therefore am able to sit myself down gently before i actually collapse, but i often only have a few seconds to do so and therefore must sit down wherever i am, even if there is no seating available. it is better than falling catastrophically

in addition to that, i experience periods of intense panic with the associated physically symptomology. such attacks for me can last much longer than "standard" panic attacks do. many last several hours, and thus are enough to trigger suicidal ideations. i often become disorientated during these episodes as well.

distortion effects occur too. sometimes the screen flickers, sometimes all i get is static. sometimes my audio will go to static as well. occasionally i will smell a strong odor of ammonia when there is no source and no one else can smell it. these are not psychotic symptoms, and instead are classified as sensory distortions. the difference is that i would have to believe, for instance, that the ammonia was really there for it to be considered psychotic.

while frequency, intensity, and duration have waxed and waned, they have all been longstanding issues. they were also separate issues, but lately all those various problems have been occurring simultaneously. in addition to them happening at the same time, the most intense episodes also feature a sharp pain in my chest. i don't know what's going on, it's very weird and doesn't match anything i've heard of.

luckily my doctor offered a solution yesterday after doing an extremely quick examination: go back on my psych meds.

I missed my appointment with my primary care doctor again yesterday. It's rescheduled for August 9th. I really need to see her soon. I think my nervousness about seeing her and about all the financial issues that surround it with Mount Auburn factor highly into my inability to make my appointments. I absolutely need to make sure that I make it in next time. But sometimes that isn't enough.

I did make it to my therapy appointment. I hadn't seen my therapist in three weeks. I was feeling completely out of it. I wasn't really able to keep eye contact while I was talking. Staring at the wall and floor, but never really looking at her. That is actually a problem I have had in the past, but really hasn't surfaced recently. She was not familiar with me acting that way, and was therefore a little concerned.

She told me not to do heroin, which wasn't surprising. I told her how blissful heroin is. How it makes all the pain go away, physical and mental. How it is pure and wonderful. But, that so far all I've had are ideations about doing it. I haven't really had much in the way of motivation. Still, she warned me that recovery from heroin is hard. She said that she'd met several people on methadone, and life was no longer blissful for them. I told her that part of the idea was that I wouldn't recover. I see it as a sort of quazisuicidal act. She asked me to tell her when I've given up and it's all over, which I guess is fair.

She wants me to go back on medication. At least antidepressants. I personally think that my depression in large part is caused by my anxiety, which would make something for anxiety more helpful. Of course she was not going to recommend benzos after the big heroin discussion. However, she is not the person who would be prescribing the medication. I will have a (hopefully new) pdoc to do that. I just need to keep the heroin discussion away from them. Benzos are tricky to get, regardless. Psychiatrists are reluctant to give them out if you ask for them, but will give you insane amounts if you don't.

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It's early. I'm going to head over to my house and try to get some cleaning in before the day heats up too much.

My mind has always been broken. I don't know how to fix it. I've tried to glue things back together, but they just fall apart again. It's been too many years. I don't want to do it anymore. I just want it all to stop. It all to go away. There is no good answer. I could just drug myself until I no longer can think. There are numerous options for that, many I can even get a prescription for. Not thinking every again has it's allure. It's sort of suicide by default. I don't know what's going on. I've been having ideations of shooting heroin. I've never shot heroin before, but I have constantly thought about doing it. I did heroin two times about 5 or 6 years ago. I snorted it both times. I don't know why I'm having these thoughts. It could have something to do with that strange slowly growing elongated bump I've had for months right on the inside of my elbow, where I'd most likely be shooting. There is a dull pain from it. A soreness. Maybe that's drawing my mind to that spot, and the potential for the now hidden vein under it. I know that everyone would leave me if I started doing heroin. Nobody would want to be around me. But I don't know if anyone should be around me anyway. I'm a fucking burden. I can't function at all. I'm a complete mess. I stay indoors most of the time. I feel trapped. I don't get any exercise. The walls are falling in.

I have an appointment with my primary care doctor monday. I didn't get a new one. I know she will have problems refering me to someone because she is in the Mount Auburn system. But, I can't motivate myself to go through an intake process right now, and she'll at the very least be able to tell me if my conserns are something I really need to take action on. Right now I have no idea what's going on with several different things. The dizzy spells are an obvious consern, but they seem to be waning. The strange inch and a half long shallow linear bump on the underside of my elbow is conserning as it seems to be slowly growing over months and not going away. But, while my mind can think of nightmare scenarios, it may also be a mundane issues. I would ask about my issues with my lower gastrointestinal tract. I've been putting this off for far to long. I don't need to be worrying about things that might turn out to be nothing.

I put some pins in my arm. I looked at the pins poking out of my arm and thought, "this is psychotic." So, I got Lake up again and this time told her I really needed her. She got up and I made her coffee. She told me to take the pins out of my arm, and I did. She's so wonderful. She said I could have vodka, that it's okay to drink now under the circumstance. So I drank the vodka I'd poured and then some. I wish we had mixers around the house. My behind the knee is doing better now that Lake is up. I love her. She is wonderful.

My behind the knee is killing me. It hurts. Not a normal hurt, but a weird hurt. I can't stand it. I normally push in on the back of my knee until it normal hurts. I can't stand the weird hurt. This time it's not working. I tried poking pins in my arm. The pain from that helped a little. I decided that was bad, so I thought maybe I'll try getting drunk. I poured myself a cup of vodka, but didn't drink it because I have to meet John for lunch and I might not get up for it if I drink. So, I went and woke up Lake. She helped a little but she's to sleepy to really help. I let her go back to sleep. I think I'm going to try the pins again.

Haven't been doing well. Cyndi came out. She was all set to cut when Lake caught her. Lake took the razors away and Cyndi was upset. Lake tried to hug us, but Cyndi was still in front and wouldn't let her. Cyndi doesn't think Lake should interfere with her cutting. I'm glad Lake interfered, or we would have had great gashes on our arms and legs.

That was all about an hour ago. We ended up watching tv with Lake to try to take our thoughts off everything.

My behind the right knee and elbow are still hurting. They tend to hurt when we're switchy. I don't know why. It hurts sometimes when we're fine and laying down, but only when we're standing up if we're switchy. It still hurts sitting here. I wish the pain would go away. I wish I could just go to sleep.