Project Three Meals went completely off today. I got no healthy snack, got no exercise, and went on a junk food binge. Don't worry, I am not following that binge up with a purge, those days are very long gone and I'm not going back.

I did get in my three meals, though, if that matters. For breakfast I had egg and swiss on an everything bagel, for lunch I had linguine in a tomatoed alfredo sauce, for dinner I had pizza. Oh well, tomorrow's another day.

Project Five is pretty much a modified version of Project Three Meals. Like Project Three Meals, Project Five will have three health meals a day (no more no less), as well as the same minimum of 30 minutes of exercise a day and the same ban on junk food. The difference is Project Five has 2 healthy snacks instead of 1. I think a large part of the reason I've had problems with Project Three Meals is that I get hungry in the evening and end up binging. If I allow myself an evening snack, this is less likely to happen.

I start Project Five tomorrow.

I got in plenty of exercise between helping Jeff move in and walking to kyrene's house. However, I didn't do so well on the eating front. I had bhindi masala with red cargo rice for breakfast, pizza for lunch, Spanish rice with broccoli for dinner, and bean curd jerky for my healthy snack. But a couple junk food binges ended my hopes of a successful Project Three Meals Day. I'm not giving up, I'm still trying!

I purged early this morning. I ate a bag of cheetos and felt incredibly ill. The combination of nauseousness from the cheetos and the guilt over having essentially binged led me downstairs to vomit. I haven't done that in quite a while, and I know I cannot allow myself to get back into that nasty cycle. I had incredibly bad problems with my upper digestive system because of bulimia and I still haven't completely healed. I don't want to do more damage. I've got to nip this in the bud. It's much easier to avoid that road before it becomes a habit. It is so fucking addictive.

I've been trying not to go back towards somesort of eating disorder lately. The fact that I weight more than I ever have in my life currently is one factor.

Another, possibly larger, factor is that I feel that my life is going nowhere. I feel helpless to make any meaningful changes. I know that might not be true, but that is how I feel. That feeling makes me want to control something. Purging is a bad method of taking control of something, but does feel a bit like it.

In addition to those reasons, I also get into a "fuck you" mode, unfocused on a ambiguous system. Self-harm feels like a way to express that rage, even though it really doesn't do that effectively.

But, those "factors" are simply excuses., and not very good ones at that. The bottom line is I screwed up. I fell off the horse, and now I must get right back on.

i eat too much
mostly too much junk food
i'm still gaining weight
i eat because it makes me feel better
i'm addicted to junk food
i've got to stop
but it's so hard with walgreens next door
i just ate an entire tube of pringles
i haven't been purging however
just bingeing
i guess that's progress
now to cut out the bingeing without going anorexic
which is a definite risk with me
i need to set times that i can eat
and only eat at those times
regular meals may be the answer
i will eat when i wake up in the morning
at noon
and once in the evening
three meals
sounds pretty normal
sounds pretty doable
i have already eaten my first two meals today
so all i have left is dinner
i will allow myself a healthy snack too
but it must be healthy
no junk food
i think i can do this
i think i have the willpower
i know i've failed at these sorts of plans before
but all i can do is keep trying
and have faith that i'll eventually succeed
so here goes nothing...

i need to lose weight
all this smoking pot isn't helping
i'm binge eating
but i'm not purging
i guess that is better than binging and purging
but it is still an issue

i still don't have a scale, so i don't know how much i weigh
but i'm guessing 230lbs
maybe more
i don't know
i keep gaining

the biggest step is cutting out junk food
i've said this before
if i just cut out junk food, my weight would probably at least level off.
i need to swear off junk food
bye bye chips
bye bye candy
i'll be healthier
i shouldn't be eating all the junk food i do, even if weight wasn't an issue
the problem is walgreens is right next door
it's so easy to just pop in there and get a bag of chips or some candy
and it's especially tempting because there is always something on sale
and a sale is an excuse
i'm saving money aren't i?

i need to get myself under control
i need to control at least one thing in my life
and weight seems like a good target
i just have to beware slipping back into eating disorder territory
i don't want to start purging again
i don't want to be as thin as i was
i'm thinking around 160lbs was where i liked my weight
130lbs (where i got to) was way too low
however, that means i need to lose around 70lbs
that's a lot of weight
i think i can do it
i think i can do it in a healthy way
but i have to get motivated
take things slow
but it is time to take the first step:
no more junk food

I missed my pdoc appointment. I had prodded a very tired purpleglitter out of bed to drive me. I thought it was at 11:15am, but it was actually at 10:15am. I am just really bad at making appointments. To punish myself for bothering purpleglitter and still missing my appointment, I bought some chips and some hot salsa. I bought hot salsa because I know hot salsa is sucky to purge. When mixed with stomach acids, It burns the back of the mouth painfully. I wanted it to be an unpleasant purging experience, because I did it to punish myself. So I ate the chips and salsa and purged them. I really needed to do something self-destructive. I hate myself.

I just binged and purged a bag of hot bible chips. I bought the big bag. I should have known better. I do fine with the little bags of chips, I just can't allow myself to buy the big ones. I hadn't purged in weeks. I'm not going to let this setback stop me from healing. Bulimia is on the way out. It's just a long fight. It's a stubborn beast.

I just purged a bag of Fritos. I've been purging every other day the last week or so. I've got to stop before this balloons out of control. I was doing so good. I need to stop. I want to stop. I will stop.

I've been eating way to much. Having little binges. I haven't purged, but I so want to right now. I want to purge. I have too much food in my stomach. I've gotta slow down. Gotta slow down. Too much food in my stomach. Want to purge. It's really hard not to. Have to stop myself.

Got to the endo appointment on time. We were very switchy at the appointment. My endo saw the cuts on the arm, and noticed how we were acting, so she sent us downstairs to the psychiatric emergency room.

Before I went downstairs, she also give us a prescription to estradiol. No more hourse pee for me.

Before sending me down, she told me our weight is not unhealthy. That we shouldn't lose any more weight, but if I maintain my weight where it is now in a healthy manner, it is okay. The only reason I'm at a healthy weight now is because I've been smoking pot. I've gained quite a bit of weight since I started. This is a good thing. Now I just need to stop purging and start controlling my binges. Not going to be easy, but will be worth the effort.
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I spent about 4 hours in the psychiatric emergency room, mostly waiting. Waiting is a large part of the psych experience.

The visit ended up being a very good thing. First, they're going to try to move up our therapy intake appointment. Second, they got us into a partial program starting tomorrow. I've never been in a partial program, save the 75 minutes I spent at the Triangle Program. I'm a bit nervous about it, but am overall optimistic about it. And, the program is right in Cambridge Hospital, so the commute shouldn't be an issue.

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I came home and crashed for many hours. Very strange sleeps. My sleeps have in general been strange lately. I tend to drift in and out of sleep consistently confusing the dreaming and waking worlds. Both become intertwined in a way that can be quite scary at times. Bed isn't something I look forward to these days.

I missed my therapy intake appointment today. I can't believe I'm so stupid. I'm such a fuck up. I work so hard for something, then I fuck it up. Just at the last minute, I fucked it all up. The next appointment they have available isn't until next year. January 6^th.

I cut myself to punish myself for missing the appointment. I am so angry at myself, I had to do something. I also binged and purged when I got home. Pizza and spaghetti rings. I'd bought them intending to try to actually eat. So much for that.

I'll I can't do anything right. I fuck up everything. I hate myself. I deserve pain and torment. I deserve everything that I feel. Everything that has happened. I can't do one little thing. I just want to die. Everything is all fucked up, and I'm going nowhere. There is a million things I should be doing, and I'm getting none of them done. I'm overwhelmed, and can't do it anymore. I just want to die and get it over with. purpleglitter is here right now, so dyeing isn't going to happen at this moment. But, the idea of it sounds so nice. I'll probably just end up whipping the cuts with a hanger. Keep the pain going.

purpleglitter and I had pakoras for lunch. I did fine with those. However, a few hours later, I bought some junk food and did a binge and purge. The baby steps with the pakoras yesterday and today, lead me right back into eating mode. Once I start eating, I can't stop. And then, I start purging. The only way I seem able to not purge is to stop eating completely. I'm so tired of purging, I don't know what else to do. Eating always ends up in disaster.

I sat alone and ate two bowls of my three cheese tomatoe soup without purging. Lately, I haven't been able to eat alone without purging. Much less, two bowls! Occasionally, I fail when eating around others, but I always fail eating alone. Alone always ends up a binge and purge. My solution has been to curtail eating alone. I often skip meals just so that I won't purge them. But I ate lunch alone. I didn't purge. It might not seem like that big of a deal to most, as most eat lunch without purging everyday, but to me it is a huge accomplishment.

My new years resolution for 2002 will be to stop binging and purging.

I've been falling back into bulimia again, ever since I fucked up and lost my 24 purge-free days. Once I've started, it's so hard to get myself to cease. I eat and then feel overwhelming guilt about what I've eaten. I know it's bad for me. I know it really isn't as effective as it seems it should be. I need to stop again, before I refuck-up my upper digestive tract. That's why I'm going to make it a new years resolution. That way, I think I'm more likely to get it to work. I don't like to break my resolutions, and hopefully, I can have a purge-free year.

Over the course of a few hours I ate an entire bag of wasabi soy nuts. Around 1000 calories. I can't believe I did it. I am so tempted to purge, but I don't know how effective that will be as I spaced out the food over such a long time. I also don't want to purge, because I've been doing so good about that lately. If I don't eat anything else today, my digested calorie intake will be around 1500 calories. Not good, but not bad.

Instead of purging, I cut myself. I hate myself for having no willpower. If I cut myself after I overeat, maybe I'll learn not to overeat. Crazy, but that's what I was thinking. At least I didn't purge.

I just binged and purged. Sometimes it actually makes me feel a little better. It's like I purged some of my emotions along with my food. Twisted isn't it?

I've eaten too much today. Rather than purge, however, I cut. It really doesn't accomplish anything, but it does make not purging easier to deal with. I need to deal with things one at a time. Bulimia first, then cutting. I don't think I can stop both at once. I've decided to stop bulimia first because it effects my overall life in a much more negative way than cutting. I'm sure my therapist won't agree. She's incredibly against cutting, but doesn't seem to think bulimia is that serious. As long as she doesn't put me away again I think I may have a shot at beating the bulimia thing. The last time I was in the hospital, my bulimia got quite out of control.

I'm not going to tell Lake I cut this time. She always gets so worried. I've been cutting on my arms, which usually means she finds out whether I tell her or not. But. this time I cut on my thighs, so she won't find out.

I feel so defeated. I tried so hard, I just can't do it. I just can't have those damn Salt and Vinegar Potatoe Chips in the house. I just can't stop. Why? I'll try again. I have to. I can't stop trying. I might not of succeeded this time, but maybe I will next time. It's so hard. I wish I never started purging. I hate it. I guess I have to take my meds now.

I ate what I view as too much (2 cans of Spaghetti O's), but I just made a deal with myself: as long as I don't purge, I don't have to take my Risperdal or Lorazepam. So, here I go not purging.