The squirrel is still in the box. It managed to move to a different position in the blanket last night. And in the hour since I first checked it this morning, it's turned itself around and is now sleeping with its head rested next to the water bowl. I think it's getting better, but I can't really tell. There's not much else I could do that I haven't done.

A couple hours ago, purpleglitter noticed a squirrel outside her apartment that while alive was not moving. She called my attention to it, and we decided to try and help it. I attempted to see if it could move, and was able to stroke its back with a piece of cardboard without it running. I used a piece of folded cardboard to try to pick it up. It ran a couple feet then collapsed again. I did end up successfully picking it up and placing it in a box. I called Angell Memorial to see if they could help, but they said they would most likely just euthanize it if we brought it in. So, purpleglitter and I put the squirrel on her back porch along with some water and food and wrapped the squirrel in a silk skirt for warmth. I think it is safer in the box than laying on the ground outside the house. Something would surely have come along in short order to harm it. I have the box set up so that it will be easy for the squirrel to get out, but hard for anyone else to see the squirrel is in there. I hope it is okay, and I will check on it in the morning. An empty box is what I hope to find.

Just got back from zarthon's birthday dinner. We had big fun. We went to purpleglitter's afterwards, but I was having too much of a panic attack and just hid under her covers. I wish these things didn't take so much out of my life. I'm still quite a bit twitchy now. I think I'm going to go hide under my own covers.

2mg of klonopin
2mg of ativan
i should be asleep soon
but for now some stream of consciousness
i had a good day
except for all the hiding under the covers
i sleep a lot
sleeping is like hiding
i have strange dreams
but reality is surreal, too
i don't know where i'm going
i thought i had my bearings
but i seem to have lost them again
must get back on course
i need to do something
i need to be doing something
i'm lost
i'm very lost
i don't know who i am anymore
i once wrote a letter to myself
but i lost it
i don't remember what it said
i was supposed to read it
it told me who i was
but now i don't know
it's been a long time
a very long time
and i'm still searching
for something i may never have had
questions
i'm going to be 30 very soon
three decades
what have i done with my time?
glass prisms in the window
streetlights shine outside
the night is calm
i want to go to spy pond
but too late for that
pills pills pills
i wish i had some pot
i would so love to get stoned
or drunk
or anything really
acid or ecstasy would be nice
find out stuff
i want to find the answers
i didn't meditate tonight
should have
too late now
i'll remember to do that tomorrow
tomorrow
gotta deal with the bank and phone company tomorrow
fun fun
someday i'll get the phone reconnected
i also need to get the party invites sent out
gather up email addresses
i'm going to go to sleep now
sleep
sleep
sleep
good night

purpleglitter is asleep behind me. purpleglitter and my anniversary went very well. We had a candlelit dinner of Indian food. purpleglitter got me an electric blanket, so I'd be warm even when she couldn't put her arms around me. We spent a relaxing evening eating pistachios and talking over 9 years of memories. I love Lake, and I always will.

been twitchy all day
hiding under the blanket
with half-dreams
a state where i'm in both the dreaming and waking worlds
it can be disorientating
i'm very shakey
my meds aren't working today
it's cold
i need to get out of this state of being
i don't like this
i gotta alter my state
this state just isn't working out today
maybe another one will

There are so many things stressing me out right now, many of which aren't my prerogative to post about. I was positively shaking heading into my last day at the partial program this morning. I didn't make it in on time because I went to bed at 3:30am and woke up late. And, when I actually did wake up, I was having panic attacks, and hid back under the covers.

The facilitator of the first group asked me if I needed to take a break, because I was noticeable doing not well. I don't know the whole reason she thought we weren't doing well, because I don't remember much of that group. The time-out did me well, and I was no longer panicking by the time lunch started.

The last group before wrap up was a OT group. I made a collage that I'm quite proud of. It's sort of a dream/nightmare sort of thing. I cut a lot of pictures out of National Geographic. An article on heroin and an article on dream research came in particularly handy.

It was sad saying goodbye to everyone at the end of the day. I really liked the other patients at the partial program. I will be keeping in touch with a few of them, but I worry we'll have the same level of comradery on the outside.

This morning was filled with intense panic attacks. I hid under my covers and didn't make it to the partial program until 12:15pm. They were okay with me being late. People often are late getting there for various reasons. It's not like we're there because we're doing well.

The program went okay after I got there. Not good. Not bad. Just okay. The groups I made it to today weren't very interesting. I heard from the other patients that the groups I missed weren't very interesting either.

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Good news of the day: pillowkisser is back home!!! That's enough to cheer me up.

Last night I went to GenderPlay with Sara. Genderplay was very small this time. Only one other person showed up, Mandy. I was planning to bring Pass the Pigs, but I forgot it on my desk at home. So we had no games. We ended up playing Associations. In Associations one person starts with a word, then the next person says the word that comes first to their mind, then the person after that says what the second person's word made them think of. Simply do that going around and around in a circle. It's fun to see how far away from the original word you get.

We only stayed at the Diesel Café about an hour, then headed home. We had good conversations in the car on the ride back. Talking to quiteodd is always so freeing. I always feel happy and refreshed after spending time around her. Something about the energy she radiates.

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Went to bed around 1:30am last night. Woke up around 8:00am to make purpleglitter breakfast and coffee and pack her lunch. After purpleglitter left at 8:30am, I went back to bed. I was planning on sleeping only to 10:30am. But, when the alarm went off, I felt an incredible panic about getting out of bed. So, I hid under the covers and went back to sleep. I woke up at least once an hour, but each time was not able to get out of bed due to panic. Finally, at 2:30pm, I was able to get out of bed.

A few minutes after I got out of bed, the phone rang. It was Lahey Clinic. They were able to set me up with an appointment next Monday with my old pdoc there. I'm going to ask her about trying to find us a therapist that works well with multiples and will take MassHealth. Hopefully she'll be able to point us in the right direction.