Today marks 2 years since I was released from Cahill 3, the last time I was on a locked psych unit.

For years, I was constantly in and out of hospitals. Throughout that time I was put on various medications: prozac, geodon, seroquel, zyprexa, depakote, lithium, ativan, klonopin, celexa, zoloft, and too many others to list here.

At times, the medications seemed like it was helping, but what it was really dong was preventing me from getting better. It wasn't until I stopped taking the medications that I started truly improving. It wasn't until I stopped taking the medication that I was able to stay out of the hospital.

Mental problems need a mental solution. Mental "illness" is not like diabetes or cancer. The speculation that mental "diseases" are biologically based is just that — speculation. There is no evidence to back it up, but the idea is treated as gospel. It is more religion than science.

Without the medications obscuring my real issues or slowing my brain down to the point that thinking was a labourious activity, I was able to directly address my problems and I was able to make myself better. I've been out of the hospital for 2 years and I'm sure that if I had continued to take their drugs, I wouldn't be able to say that.

Is too hot. Where is autumn already, I'm am done with summer. Brain has melted. Is too hot.

The naughty-word-counting movie ministry guy was alway a bit out there, but I think he's finally completely lost it.

Quote from his Pirate of the Caribbean: At World's End review:

One of the unholy beings had its "brain" exposed to the air, fondled it and then lost it. Well, I know how he felt. I once developed an open mind to the enlightenment provided by much modern entertainment ... then my brain fell out. Though there were no transplant brains available as good as the one I had, God found one for me.

He's a God zombie!!

Sometimes it feels so wrong, you know it's right...

Children represent the fastest growing group of users of a new generation of antipsychotic medications, even though the drugs are not approved for their use and serious safety concerns remain. Between 2001 and 2005, prescriptions for atypical antipsychotic drugs increased by 80% among children and teens, compared with an increase of 46% among adults aged 20 to 44. ... In a study published in the summer of 2004, the researchers reported that prescriptions for atypical antipsychotics doubled among Tennessee children on Medicaid between 1996 and 2001. They further reported that 43% of prescriptions were written for children with ADHD or a related disorder as the primary diagnosis, while just 14% were written for bipolar disorder and 9% for schizophrenia or other psychotic conditions. In a later nationwide study, the researchers concluded that 6 million prescriptions for atypical antipsychotics were written for children between 1995 and 2002. Again the researchers found that a large percentage of the prescriptions were written for children with ADHD as the primary diagnosis. full article

Lets ignore for a moment the devastating side effects of antipsychotics such as diabetes, metabolic disorders, heart problems, tardive dyskinesia, and neuroleptic malignant syndrome. Let's just focus on the intended effects of these drugs. Antipsychotics slow down the brain. They make it harder to think and by doing so make it harder to learn. These children are having their brain fogged at the most important time of their lives for them to be thinking. I can't imagine the damage to the intellectual and emotional development of these kids caused by being on extremely powerful mind altering drugs 24 hours a day. THESE ARE CHILDREN, FOR GOD'S SAKE!

The psychiatrists aren't even attempting to claim these children are psychotic. 43% of the children receiving antipsychotics are diagnosed with ADHD. Antipsychotics have nothing whatsoever to do with the "symptoms" of ADHD. The only reason to give antipsychotics to ADHD-diagnosed children is to sedate them. To keep them drugged so the teachers and parents don't have to deal with them. It is a form of neglect.

These children are going to reach adulthood. Due to the drugs they are being forced to take, many are not going to be able to develop the mental and emotional tools necessary to live and function as adults. Not having learned the skills necessary to hold down jobs, many will become dependant on the very system that abused and drugged them. The psych industry is creating a generation of lifetime customers.

I did a nice bit of tiding up downstairs, very much in zombie mode. I am not done, but I can do no more tonight. I accomplished enough so the task tomorrow will not seem insurmountable, which is important if I'm going to motivate myself to actually do it. Taking on too large of a task tends to paralyse me these days, while years ago it would invigorate me. I need to catch that wind again.

I, like just about everyone else, sometimes make really stupid mistakes. Mistakes that I believe I should damn well know better than to make. I sometimes call them "brain farts" in an attempt to make light of them. I, however, have a difficult time forgiving myself for such errors, even when the effects of them are essentially meaningless. I expect perfection from myself, even though I know that perfection is impossible for anyone to achieve.

I like to say that what other people think of me doesn't matter, because it really shouldn't. However, in all honesty it does. I get embarrassed rather easily and often end up looping over even minor embarrassments and errors for an extended periods. Add to that the fact that I am not neurotypical and don't pick up on cues that would seem obvious to most, and it's a recipe for disaster after disaster.

In bitter places, fed up with trying, sometimes I angrily denounce what others think of me. But that bitter place is still based on their views. Often "their view of me" is simply my perception of how others perceive me, which may or may not even be accurate. If I could truly let go of caring about what others think of me and let myself be less than perfect, I believe I would be much better off. It is a task easier said than done, but one that may be worth attempting.

The maxim 'nothing avails but perfection' may be spelled shorter: PARALYSIS.
     -- Winston Churchill

I am against psychiatry because psychiatrists are now giving hard-core antipsychotics to kindergarteners and Prozac to toddlers. I'm against psychiatry because much of their drugs have nasty permanent debilitating side effects such as tardive dyskinesia, and deadly side effects such as significantly increased diabetes risk and neuroleptic malignant syndrome. I'm against psychiatry because no psychiatrist can adequately explain what a "chemical imbalance" looks like or what a proper "chemical balance" would be. I am against psychiatry because there are no objective tests for mental "illnesses", all diagnoses are made subjectively based on the opinions of individual psychiatrists who regularly come to differing conclusions regarding the same patient. I am against psychiatry because if mental "illness" actually is biological in origin, neurologists should be handling it on a medical basis. I am against psychiatry because psych drugs simply mask the symptoms and don't actually help patients get better. I am against psychiatry because a friend of mine was told that her son could no longer attend school unless he took addictive amphetamines. I am against psychiatry because of the ongoing campaigns to force dangerous drugs and electroconvulsive therapy on adults that have committed no crime. I am against psychiatry because the psychiatry has become more about selling drugs than helping patients.

The is a difference between knowing a thing and living through that knowledge. The difference is mindfulness. For instance, Sunday I was talking to my mom (myenergy) on the phone and didn't realize I should say "Happy birthday" until she said "Isn't there something you want to say to me.". It's not that I didn't know or had forgotten her birthday was February 5^th. I can recall that date from my mental database with ease. The problem was that I was not mindful that February 5^th was her birthday. The knowledge did not influence my thought and action when it should have.

Mindfulness is an important concept I'm become acquainted with. Much of my realizations have come by weaving together many things I have learned over my live so far. Many of these things were filed away in the dust recesses of my brain. But, through mindfulness, they can interact as they could not before, and have merged and grown . Through mindfulness they have changed me, they have given me hope and led me to a dawn I thought would never come. It never came, because I wasn't watching for it.

Learning is the eyes opening. Mindfulness is the eyes staying open. Learning without mindfulness has a place in business and scholastic pursuits. However it is ineffective as a spiritual tool and a tool of living.

Consciousness exists on many levels just a few of which are the human level, the species level, the planet level, and the All. The consciousness of any level cannot be understood by those on a smaller level. No one human can understand the consciousness of the human race, just as a neuron cannot understand the consciousness of the brain.

We seem poised on the brink of a all-out holy war, one which could engulf the world and unleash the destructive powers that the modern technologies of death afford. This may fade or this may explode. Either way, it shows just how short the fuse is and how small a spark is needed to light it.

Humanity is convulsing. It is in a seizure. When will these fits break? How much suffering must the human race go through before we collectively wake up. The human race is ill, and our darkest hours may lie ahead.

But, when this fever breaks, where will we be? I believe we will be at a place so wonderful that the attributes of it are beyond current comprehension. The Happening that is the Becoming has been going on for thousands, perhaps millions, of years, and may take thousands more to resolve. But that day will come, and even if we as individuals do not live to see that Wondrous Dawn, we are part of the Becoming and that is a great thing.

I was hooked up to the EEG equipment this morning. I was anticipating looking like a Borg drone, but they wrapped my head and I look more like I just had brain surgery. I'm very nervous, because I'm fraught with self doubt. I'm afraid to push the button that registers events because i worry that maybe all those people were right and I've been imagining everything. I hate this. purpleglitter has convinced me to press the button twice, but I don't know if I should have. I don't know if they were "enough" of events.

I also wasn't expecting a camera to be part of the equipment. I'm being filmed all day. I feel overly monitored and self conscious. I know this is just for a three days and will result in getting the correct treatment. Even though this is unpleasant, I must remember to be thankful that I am at last getting examined.

I just got the date of my three day ambulatory EEG, and it's coming up a lot sooner than I thought. I get hooked up at 8:30am next Tuesday at SleepMed in Woburn. I'm excited and nervous. Excited because this is a big step to finding out what's going on. Nervous both because I'm worried about what I'll find out and that it is very hard for me to get out that early in the morning.

The person on the phone told me to wear something button down, because I will have to wear the equipment on my head from Tuesday to Friday and will not be able to take off any clothing that has to be removed by pulling it over my head. They also suggested I bring a hat to both hide and protect the wires. I wonder if one of my jester's caps would be appropriate.

Things are moving now, we'll see where they move to.

Mindware programming is not the same as neuro-linguistic programing in that neuro-linguistic programming focuses on associations, beliefs, and concepts. Mindware programming is broader, while mindware programming can be applied to brain functions including visual and audio processing, creating, enhancing and fine tuning skills, and even speech patterns. Mindware programming can also be applied to change associations, beliefs, and concepts. Furthermore, neuro-linguistic programming was developed as a therapeutic tool, while mindware programming does not necessarily have anything to do with mental health, psychology, or psychiatry. It can simply be used to improve the brains functionality in areas of interest to the user.

The biggest step to programming mindware is to realize that we all already do it, we just usually aren't aware of it. Since everyone's brain is different, everyone's experience with programming will be different. But we all have mindware running, and once that is realized one can begin the process of learning how to tweaking existing mindware programs and creating new ones. Functions and programming of mindware is often more visible from certain alternative mental states. Most users will not find baseline a good place to do editing, at least at first. Extermination and trail and error are key to figuring out to program. It may be frustrating or seem impossible, but it can be quite useful after one gets used to it.

That said, mindware programming does not give the user absolute control over their brain. There is simply too much mindware running in any particular person's head, and there is not enough time to edit all of it. Add to that the problem that some functions are very ingrained and others are extremely complicated to nearly impossible to modify from any lucid state. There is much that can be done, but there is more that cannot be. I still think it's worth it.

I saw my therapist today. I was honest and I didn't get sent in. I told her about the cutting. I even let her know I was having deep suicidal thoughts and told her my plan. She was concerned and asked if I needed to be in the hospital. I told her that I didn't want to go, and that was enough. On talking about my ophthalmologist, I talked about some of the visual processing mindware I'm running. She told me she couldn't understand what I was saying and that I am having "disorganized thinking". I think she just simply didn't understand what I was saying, which says more about her thinking not mine. She suggested I immediately get on medication. I'm willing to try certain medications, but I have a host of medication I will not take including antipsychotics and Paxil. She set me up with an appointment with a psychiatrist. I'll have to be more careful talking to the psychiatrist, as I doubt she'll be as friendly about locking me up as my therapist was. The more and more I deal with my therapist, the more and more I find that she's loathe to do impose involuntary things on patients, which is good. I have a reflex to hide stuff because of past therapists, but after today I feel I can be honest with her without fear of repercussions.

Being trusting is a dangerous thing. Today it paid off, but tomorrow it may bite me in the ass again as it has so many times before.

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There is something I did not bring up, however. Weighing heavy on my mind is an issue to do with someone I have recently come to know and care about. I don't know how to help them, or if I should help them. I'm afraid because my judgement is bad. They are in a very precarious situation, and to help them may be to hurt them. But to not help them may be also to hurt them. The conflict causes me a deep moral conflict that paralyses my brain whenever I think about it. The problems with the mental conflict are so great, I am unable to get myself to call my friend and I don't know how to resolve the situation. I don't want them to think I don't like or care about them. I have in essence abandoned them, and because of that I know I am bad. I try to be good, but I fail at that. I always fail at that. No matter what I try to do in any situation, I am and will always be wrong.

i did some cutting yesterday morning
back in that habit
cyndi's back, too
i don't care
my brain is ripping itself apart
everything is getting worse again
sliding back
all the progress seems distant and gone
not even square one now
i'm at square zero