Spring has arrived. Soon, the plants my sister and brother are sending me for my birthday will start arriving and I'll be able to put the compost to good use. They are sending me 3 butterfly bushes, 3 red latham raspberry bushes, and 6 oriental poppies. I'm very excited about gardening this year.

I haven't done any gardening since I rented the house in Columbia, Missouri and grew carrots out back. It was a very small house with a small yard, but it was a house with a yard and it was $185/month. Wow, that price seems great now, I couldn't rent a room for that around here these days. It's a different season here, in more ways than just not being winter anymore.

The phone and DSL are back up and the ice is melting a bit. However, we're supposed to get a few more waves of ice later today and early tomorrow. After my voice post this morning, I went outside to take some photos and in the few minutes I was out there I heard a tree collapse in the woods nearby. My brother tells me he could hear several large branches or whole trees falling every this morning near him.

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I ordered my bus tickets online last night, but ended up with the wrong time for my departure from London. The confirmation has me leaving at 3:50AM, but there is no way I can get a ride to London at that hour. I was planning for my departure time to be 8:00PM. Talking to a Greyhound Canada representative on the phone, I was told that I could use the tickets for any departure time as long as they are for the same day and the same person. I should be fine

*knocks on wood*

I'm going to be landing in Saint Louis this Friday on a one-way airline ticket. It will be the first time my brother, my sister, my parents, and I will all be in the same place at the same time in over a decade. I'm looking very much forward to this.

Sunday, we will all be heading down for the day to Murphysboro, Illinois - where I was born - to see my family down there.

Sometime during my stay in Missouri I hope to see type_40.

I also want to find a way to get to Columbia, I haven't seen the town for a long while and I'd really like to meet up with ceruleanct11. However my tight budget and the infrequent bus schedule very well might thwart that endeavour.

I plan to go home via rail and/or bus, but that leg of the trip has not been fully set in place. I will definitely be stopping in Saint Thomas, Ontario on the way back to spend some time with goldmourn.

I'm also hoping to meet up with likeamermaid on my journey, but if that will occur is not certain as of yet.

While this isn't well planned out, I have a good feeling about it. I'm sure it will be an adventure at the very least.

i can't do it. maybe i need to go on antipsychotics again. i don't want to, but i need to do something. this isn't working. i'm not making it. something needs to change or i'm not going to stay alive very long. i'm pretty damn close to ending it. i can't do this anymore. something needs to change. my brain is not a good place. there are too many painful loops. they rip through me, i can feel them. i need this to end somehow. i don't know how to stop it. i can't find the key. i don't have the deloopifier that most people have. i get trapped instead. i need this to stop. i need to shut out the world. my brain does not adequately filter information. i intake too much and end up with an overflow. i can't take it all in anymore. i need to block it out. block it all out. i don't this anymore. i don't want to think anymore. i don't want to be anymore. give me 240mg of geodon or 600mg of seroquel and let me drown in nothingness.

again, i have found myself unable to write
again, i will break the spell with a stream of consciousness post
so if you dislike stream of consciousness posts you can quit now

i got back from missouri on sunday
i had a wonderful trip
saw family and friends i haven't seen in a long time
and got to meet my nephew jonas
he's so happy and loves to bounce
spending time with him convinced me that when i'm better i want to try to adopt a kid
i'm very happy for my brother and heather


photo by myenergy

i've noticed i've been taking more ativans lately
i don't like this
it's a very addictive drug
but my general mental state has been on a slight downward slope
my therapist is talking about my "thought disorder" again
she asked me if i got stuck in loops sometimes
and i do
she said that was a thought disorder symptom
scary, but could explain a lot of things
i want to do more research about this
and find out what can be done
i'm not entirely thrilled about my therapist's suggestion
she wants me to make an earlier appointment with my pdoc
and see if i can get her to up my geodon
i don't want more geodon
but if it will help i can accept that
the painful looping has gotten pretty bad lately
and if more geodon will make it go away then i'll take more
but i'm already on so much
how much more can i take?

on a brighter note,
purpleglitter and i went to mount auburn cemetery today
the fall colours were spectacular
we arrived late, so only got to stay a short while
(they close at 5)
but we had a great time and took many piccies
following is one i took



i'm starting to feel a bit twitchy right now
a sense of panic is building
i don't like it
ah, it's passing
sometimes it takes hours to pass
sometimes i just take benzos until i go to sleep
but this time it passed quickly
and i'm happy about that

i'm not used to staying up this late
i have been going to bed quite early lately
and i have to be up early tomorrow
so i should be getting to bed
so good night
and hopefully i'll be able to get myself back on a regular posting schedule

I'm having a good time in Missouri. Got to play with my baby nephew Jonas. He's such a doll. He loves to play with toys that spin. He spent the night here at my parents house last night. I hope to see more of him while I'm here.

I also saw met my brother's girlfriend. She's really cool. I'm happy he's found such a good person.

Though I've had a good time there have been issues. I've been more panic attacks than normal, and therefore have been taking more ativan than normal. I also lost my purse on the trip here with $140 in it. That really sucked. Next time I travel I'm getting traveler's checks.

I arrived safely in Missouri this afternoon. Been spending time with my parents. My brother and my little nephew are coming over later. I'll post more as time is available.