I've had some interesting dreams recently. The night before last, I dreamed I was on a holodeck. I kept switching through setting, but I was changing more than my environment. I was not only trying on different clothing, but different bodies. However, at some point I stopped changing and the room began changing more like a standard Star Trek holodeck. The finally room I was in was filled with shallow wooden boxes with large amounts of baby budgies. They were all blue and just getting their feathers in. They were pulling themselves from box to box, in the baby-budgie head-first method of locomotion. I was in a happy place.

Last night, I dreamed I was in a maze of a house. There was a strange man in whiteface who was running the place. The house was so large that it had a lake and a hill with cars. It was almost a village in a house. There was something wrong, a sinister air. I felt compelled to investigate what that wrong was. I followed these streams of crusty liquid up the hill and found an old stationwagon that had rusted with the years. purpleglitter was with me then and at that point had been with me on my explorations in the house even though she hadn't been with me earlier in the dream. We got in the car and I was able to start it. There was a road at the top of the hill; and after driving a short distance, we realized we were on the outskirts of Moscow. We drove back to the hilltop and looked down. There was the house and all it's trapping that we had departed. I concluded that there was some sort of portal to Moscow at the top of the hill. purpleglitter and I decided to drive around and explore the outskirts of Moscow. purpleglitter's cell phone miraculously worked and we called zarthon who told us we ought not be traveling around through portals willy-nilly and should head back at once. But we ignored him. Who was driving kept switching seamlessly in the dream, sometimes it was purpleglitter sometimes it was me. The controls on the car ended up locking up and we skidded into a ditch. It faded out after that.

Somewhere in last nights dreams purpleglitter and I were in a bank trying to stop a $2500 transaction from her account to a con artist. The bank was entirely bureaucratic and unhelpful, and we felt as if we were fighting against time. They kept asking invasive questions that had nothing to do with banking. Odd randomness. Why must bureaucracy even invade my dreams?

my therapist want to get me into a day program
i don't know how i feel about that
on one hand it will give me structure
on the other hand it feels like a step back
purpleglitter disagrees with the second hand
she thinks i'm doing well enough now to go to a day program
where before i wouldn't be able to make it to one
in that way it is a step forward
a step to having a regular schedule and getting a job
i can see where she's coming from, but it still feels like a step back to me
but i'm going to go, i want to try it out
if it doesn't work out i just wasted some time that i probably would have wasted anyway

my therapist also wants to get me on dmh
she can't believe that i'm not already on it
dmh will provide things like reminder calls to take my meds, reduced t fair, help getting food stamps, and cheaper housing
all around a good thing
we filled out the paperwork together, now i just have to wait for the forms to be processed (which could be a while)

I know several people are going to gripe at me for this, but I had two cups of coffee today. But I did, with lots of help from purpleglitter, get my forms for the Department of Mental Health and MassHealth filled out. I'll be sending those off tomorrow with the phone bill and gas bill. For now, I'm going to smoke some pot and write a stream of consiousness post. At least that's the plan.

I get back home and find a letter from MassHealth telling me my benefits were cut as of the 21^st. I called the number on the letter immediately, as I know this is an error as I was told I would not be cut. I was told I'll get a call back tomorrow, but I'll be in the partial program then. I can't get my new prescription tonight. Grrrr... I'm going to call my intensive case manager tomorrow and talk to her about it.

zarthon came over last night. Spent some time sitting around the livingroom and kitchen. Mostly idle chit chat. But, sometimes idle chit chat is good.

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Stressed out today. Dealing with Social Security Disability. They resent me some papers that I have to sign and send back (I lost them the first two times they sent them to me). Only the papers that they sent me are BLANK. Now I have to go into the office today to try to get them to print me out some more. If not, I have to wait until they can resend the forms yet again. I'm sure I'm highly annoying them. I hate bureaucracies! I have the sinking feeling I'm going to run through all these loops and wait and wait and then simply be turned down again. It's all very disheartening.

cambridge hospital called. some supervisor nixed my application for therapy there, because i don't live in cambridge or somerville. it really doesn't matter. according to the next call, asking for money, which i can't pay for my insurance, i'm now officially uninsured as of 3 days ago. the soonest i can get masshealth is a month and a half. so that means no fucking therapy or even hormones.

i'm upset about the hormones. who really cares about the therapy. i hate fucking therapists and pdocs. do they really care? no. they just want my fucking money. i don't have any, so they can shove it up their asses. i hate them. therapists are just con artists that will fuck around with your head if you pay them enough dollars. they can all go to hell.

Arlington Mental Health Services is a no go, at least for now, due to insurance reasons. I'm not quite sure where to go from here. I'm going to have to wait until I see my pdoc again sometime next week, but that means I probably won't start therapy until next month (my pdoc is currently on a month-long vacation, which is why I haven't asked her for help. Not to mention the fact that I haven't seen her in three months. I'm not really sure she's going to be very eager to help.). I really wanted to just get this done.

Finally got in touch with the second potential therapist today. She's not going to work out either. She told me I should call Cambridge Hospital and ask about psychiatric services there. The intake person at Cambridge Hospital told me that they're only accepting new patients from Cambridge and Somerville. She told me I should call Arlington Mental Health Services. I called there, and left a message. Hopefully they'll get back to me today.

Just got off the phone with another person from Social Security. This time SSI. She wasn't near as nice. She freaked some of us out (including me, but especially Sally, who's a little). She didn't say anything that would imply that we wouldn't get assistance, it was just the tone of her voice. I was in a panic by the time I got off the phone. We started switching on the phone with her, I don't think she noticed because we were able to maintain at least some control.

I just got off the phone with the Social Security Disability people. It sounded good. The person on the phone said I'll probably qualify, although there is still more paperwork for me to fill out and them to go through. I'm very hopeful we'll get it this time. We really need it and the outlook is good.

I called the Lahey clinic in Arlington and they told me I need to call the clinic in Burlington for psychiatric care. They were nice enough to give me the number

I called the main number for the clinic in Burlington, waited on hold for 5 minutes, then was told I needed to call the front desk of the psychiatric department.

I called the psychiatric front desk and was told I needed to call the psychiatric scheduling desk.

I called the scheduling desk and was told I couldn't get an appointment without getting a Lahey number and transferring to a primary care physician at Lahey. I needed to call the main number to do that.

I called the main number and changed my primary care physician and got a Lahey number.

I called the scheduling desk back, but the person was not there. I left a voice mail and am waiting for them to get back to me to schedule an appointment.

Although I got the run around for quite sometime, I feel that in the last few days I've made a lot of progress on achieving a more sustainable existence.

After many "last visits" to my psychiatrist, this one was actually it. She gave me several names of potential new psychiatrists and therapists. She thinks I should get involved in a clinic system so my therapist and psychiatrist will be at the same place. That would be nice. Tomorrow I'm going to call

I got the paperwork for my reapplication for disability. Hopefully I'll get it this time. I was told a lot of people are turned down the first time as a weed out process. I'm have a phone interview with the Social Security people next Thursday.

I just got back from Walgreens. I walked up there to get my Zoloft and Premarin refilled. I got the Zoloft, but couldn't get the Premarin. The reason is stupid and convoluted. When I was given a new prescription for Premarin I still had a refill left on my old one, so I waited to fill the new one. In the meantime my endo decided to up my dosage, so gave me a new prescription that covered my morning Premarin, but I was supposed to take the old dosage from the old prescription in the evening. I lost the evening prescription, so I just got the morning one filled and took half a pill in the evening. I figured I'd be able to make it to my next appointment by doing this. The problem is my insurance won't pay for the refill until the time for the current prescription has expired, and since I'm taking the morning script in the evening I ran out sooner. So now, I have to call my endo and explain all of this so I can get a new prescription. I don't know why, but calling seems stressful to me. I know it will be an easy and straight-forward (kind of) call, so I shouldn't be stressed out, but I am. I feel like procrastination, but I know I shouldn't. I know I can't. I only have enough Premarin for the next 3 days.