My temp therapist sent me to the psych emergency room because I couldn't contract for safety. They almost hospitalized me, but left it up to me if I wanted to go in. I decided I didn't want to go. I called my temp therapist to let her know that she said "I hope you stay safe. I hope you can follow through with something." Referring to my choosing not to go in and my missing the partial hospital. At least I don't have to see her again.

I missed my partial hospital program today. It was the introductory day, so I'm pretty much out of the program. I couldn't shave because my razor seems to have disappeared and I didn't have cash for a new one. After purpleglitter woke up, far to late for the program, I went over to her apartment and used my razor there. Things are very busy as she moves tomorrow. mazzycat has already moved back in. madeleinecat moves in tomorrow.

Will fill in more later. Went to the psych emergency room today. Starting Partial tomorrow. Have decided my psych meds are blinding me. They are sucking out my music. As of tonight I am no longer taking them.

zarthon and purpleglitter came over last night. They brought with them Indian food from Akbar. Yummy yummy yummy. I had a wonderful time eating and hanging out with them. I don't see enough of zarthon, he should really come over more often.

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We did a very good relaxation exercise at the partial program today. I felt like I was on some sort of drug afterwards. Everything was floaty and surreal. Objects seemed in unusually crisp relief.

Cambridge Hospital produced the relaxation tape we listened to and sells it for only $6. I'd buy one if I had anything to play it on.

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I've been doing much better on the eating front the last few days. A conservation I had with dan4th over the phone while I was on Cahill 3. Not necessarily what he said, but the way he listened to what I said. I don't want to give up. I want to keep fighting. I want to live. And if I'm going to live I need to eat.

My weight has gotten into dangerous territory, I now weigh less then I did when I was homeless. I needed to turn around, and I think maybe I'm doing that. I don't know if it's going to last, but I'm going to try.

I was released at noon Thursday. purpleglitter picked me up and took me out for Indian food. I was very glad to see her and be wandering about again. We bounced around town a little bit, then headed to the house_of_clocks.

A couple hours after we arrived at the house_of_clocks, merryperseis came home. With her, she brought Indian food. We all ate what she had brought and sat in the kitchen and talked. It was very good to be able to hug her without getting squawked at by the nurses.

I had been planning on getting drunk Thursday night, but I changed my mind. I simply had one drink and crazymaureen came over. Her, purpleglitter, pillowkisser and I sat in the livingroom and talked. crazymaureen brought even more Indian food. I guess I'm well known for liking it.

I had forgotten why I liked spending time with crazymaureen, it's been so long. But, now I remember. There's something about her energy. She's unique and herself, and not afraid to be so. She's made some mistakes, true, but I she means well. Old friends are good.

purpleglitter spent the night. Someone to cuddle in with on the first night home. I very much liked that. Warm against the cold outside.

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Yesterday was my first day at the partial. I arrived late because I didn't realize I was going to actually go until after 9:00am. I had many panic attacks during the program, but all in all I'm glad I went. There are 2 people there that were there last time I went. One never left and the other has returned like me. I'll be heading back Monday.

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pillowkisser and I met bathofblood and ms_brass at the Diesel Café. I was having a good time, but unfortunately had a very bad panic attack and had to leave early.

pillowkisser forgot her hat, so we returned to get it. Back at the Diesel, charliegrrrl invited us to attend the polyamory circle, which was meeting in the back. We did, and met several interesting people, several of whom I gave wish pods to. After about an hour, we decided we ought to be heading back home, so excused ourselves and left.

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Back at home, pillowkisser, merryperseis and I congregated in my room. merryperseis and I had drinks while the three of us listened to music and talked. We had a very merry time, and around 2:00am pillowkisser went back to her room and merryperseis and I fell asleep in each other's arms.

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At some point today, I plan on posting much about the experience of my recent hospitalization.

I get back home and find a letter from MassHealth telling me my benefits were cut as of the 21^st. I called the number on the letter immediately, as I know this is an error as I was told I would not be cut. I was told I'll get a call back tomorrow, but I'll be in the partial program then. I can't get my new prescription tonight. Grrrr... I'm going to call my intensive case manager tomorrow and talk to her about it.

The people running the partial program were very impressed with me. At least that's what they told Harriette. They said I was intelligent, conversive, outgoing, positive, and energetic. They thought I helped create a better atmosphere while I was there. Wow! That's completely opposite the image I had of myself.

There are so many things stressing me out right now, many of which aren't my prerogative to post about. I was positively shaking heading into my last day at the partial program this morning. I didn't make it in on time because I went to bed at 3:30am and woke up late. And, when I actually did wake up, I was having panic attacks, and hid back under the covers.

The facilitator of the first group asked me if I needed to take a break, because I was noticeable doing not well. I don't know the whole reason she thought we weren't doing well, because I don't remember much of that group. The time-out did me well, and I was no longer panicking by the time lunch started.

The last group before wrap up was a OT group. I made a collage that I'm quite proud of. It's sort of a dream/nightmare sort of thing. I cut a lot of pictures out of National Geographic. An article on heroin and an article on dream research came in particularly handy.

It was sad saying goodbye to everyone at the end of the day. I really liked the other patients at the partial program. I will be keeping in touch with a few of them, but I worry we'll have the same level of comradery on the outside.

The partial program was very boring. Very boring up until the point I had an intense panic attack. I don't know what triggered it, but I had to walk out of the group I was in. I walked directly into the coat closet in the kitchen. I wonder if all the recent talk of closets contributed to me hiding in there today. I cannot know.

I hid in the coat closet for a little while, then scurried into the bathroom. In the bathroom mirror, Cyndi started her tormenting. But, Shirley bested her at her own game. Put Cyndi in her place. It was fabulous. No one has ever been able to stand up to Cyndi like that before. Hooray for Shirley! I felt much better after seeing that.

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I had to leave the partial program an hour early to make it to an appointment with our pdoc. The appointment went very well. Deborah, Shirley, and I took turns talking. We got quite a bit out.

I was half-expecting her to adjust our meds again, but she said that wouldn't be necessary at this point. The sleep problems I was having have gone way since I started the trazodone. And, while I haven't noticed a difference myself, purpleglitter and zarthon have both commented that we seem to be doing better since we started taking the Geodon. Since I haven't noticed any negative effects of Geodon and purpleglitter and zarthon noted only positive ones, not changing it is probably a good idea.

The CBT group at the partial program today wasn't as interesting as the ones have been in the past. I think a large part of the reason that because it's a short term program, the CBT groups are meant to be only an introduction, and not to actually be Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm still very much interested getting into a CBT program of some sort.

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There was an interesting non-worksheet group today. The goals group. My goal is to become functional again. I don't feel as if I'm doing any better than when I went into the partial program. In fact, I believe I'm doing worse. I want to make progress, but progress seems to always allude me. Just when I think I'm getting somewhere, everything all collapses into more disarray than it was in before. I need to change course in a radical way. I believe I can. I just have to be brave enough to get past the Guardian. I don't know what will happen when I do. It could just make things even worse. But, I have to try. I have no choice. If I don't, sooner or later, I'm going to end up dead.

This morning was filled with intense panic attacks. I hid under my covers and didn't make it to the partial program until 12:15pm. They were okay with me being late. People often are late getting there for various reasons. It's not like we're there because we're doing well.

The program went okay after I got there. Not good. Not bad. Just okay. The groups I made it to today weren't very interesting. I heard from the other patients that the groups I missed weren't very interesting either.

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Good news of the day: pillowkisser is back home!!! That's enough to cheer me up.

The partial program went very well up until the end, today. We had a CBT group, which is something I still want to get into a program for. In the next group we discussed stigma. A normal topic I've been in many group discussions of, but this one took on a much more interesting slant. I like interesting slants.

We also had a discussion in yet another group about the benefits of marijuana. The facilitator was notably unenthusiastic, but me and another patient presenting the same side of the debate ran circles around her. We talked about marijuana being not physically addictive versus alcohol and several physically addictive psych meds. We brought up the fact that many people quit drinking by starting smoking marijuana. Mentioned that something that can help many of us, and has a minimal effect on the body, can't be such a bad thing. That self-medicating is often needed when psych meds fail. The facilitator was hard pressed to come up with anything more than "That's okay, but I don't recommend using marijuana.".

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With how well things were going, I was surprised to find myself at the end of the partial program on the floor scared and shaking and disorientated. The staff people were offering to take me to the psych emergency room, and asked me a lot of questions. I told them I'd be able to make it home, and that Harriette was meeting me there, so they let me go.

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I arrived home at 4:15pm and Harriette arrived shortly thereafter. We had tea and discussed the partial program, how to get me to my intake, nihilism, reincarnation, and ontological wonder sickness. Harriette is a fabulous case worker. I look forward to her visits.

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I got a package from my parents, which contained presents for purpleglitter and me. myenergy told me I could go ahead and open mine. They got me a scarf and an electric toothbrush and a bunch of chocolates. The scarf in particular is wonderful. It's very soft and I've never seen a scarf so wide. I love it. I will be very warm this winter.

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Someone poured Comet all over the dishes in the sink. I asked merryperseis, and she didn't know anything about it. That leaves only the floaters. Mischievous alters can be so disconcerting. I guess I'm going to have to clean that mess up.

I was very sleepy and jittery for the first half of the partial program today. I kept dozing off, having a panic attack then dozing off again. It wasn't very fun.

However, after the first couple hours, things started going smoothly. While the remaining groups were pretty boring, inbetween groups and during lunch I had many good conversations with the other patients and the staff.

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I saw an old friend at the program today. Someone that I have been out of touch with for several years. Today was his first day at the program.

His is the second familiar face I've seen there. The other belongs to a person I met while visiting riga_mortia at Cambridge Hospital. Familiar faces make the program much more welcoming and relaxed.

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I had to leave the program an hour early to make it home for an appointment with Harriette. Harriette never showed up. I've been unable to contact with her all day. She is usually very reliable, and I'm sure that she must be having sort of emergency on either a professional or personal level.

Morning at the partial program went well. Not as good as yesterday, but it still went well. No exciting groups, however I was told that they were successful in moving up my therapy intake date up. It's now on the 16^th of December.

Things started going badly after I got lunch at the S&S deli with someone from the program. After lunch, I tried to purge, but for some reason wasn't able to get all of it out. I hate it when that happens. I had to digest a lot of food that I really didn't want to. I felt like cutting myself. I couldn't cut at the program. I wanted just ending it all. Couldn't do that at the program either. Silly, all that over calories. But, I felt like such a failure.

I have a strong urge to embrace my eating disorders full force. I've been gaining weight recently, and I want to reverse that trend. I lose weight until I simply disapear. I want to fade away. I want there to be nothing left of me. I don't want to exist anymore.

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After the partial program, I saw my pdoc. I told her about how I was doing. She thinks that the reason I have been getting worse is that I went so long without therapy. I think that might have contributed, but I believe the real reason is that the monsters are getting closer.

At the end of the appointment, my pdoc upped my Geodon to 60mg and gave me a prescription to trazodone. Trazodone is wonderful stuff and was one of the few good things about Holy Family. I'm not sure what, if anything, the 50% increase in Geodon will do. 40mg of Geodon have had absolutely no effect.

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I didn't realize until today just how badly I've been doing lately. I can't make it through the day without having at least one major episode of instability, panic, switchiness, and suicidality. Regardless of how well things may be going on the outside, inside I'm falling apart. Everything has been getting consistently worse over the past few years. And the decent has only increased in velocity over the past few months. The mosters are very close now. I don't know if I'm going to make it. I'm very scared of what's going to happen when the monsters come out completely into the open. Cyndi's right, if I can't handle things now, there's no way I can handle what's coming.

Went to the partial program at Cambridge Hospital today. I was nervous, but there was really no reason to be. The staff was very nice and I enjoyed meeting the other patients. My only complaint is that the lunch had no vegetarian option. But, we are allowed to bring our own lunch or use the hour and a quarter provided for lunch to go to a nearby eatery.

The groups were much better than the groups I've been to while inpatient at other places. There was very little time between most groups, only about 15 minutes. I liked the constant movement the day seemed to have.

The CBT group (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) was the most useful of the groups. I learned a lot, which is something I don't generally do in groups. Most groups that attempt to provide structured information tend to simply drone over things I already know. I was very excited to find something that has new ideas and at the same time makes a great deal of sense. I think that CBT could really help me.

There was also an OT group in the afternoon. For those of you foreign to the psych hospital experience, OT stands for Occupational Therapy which means arts and crafts. Today was arts. Watercolor cutouts. OT has always been my favorite group during my inpatient stays, and will probably continue to be my favorite at the partial program.

Got to the endo appointment on time. We were very switchy at the appointment. My endo saw the cuts on the arm, and noticed how we were acting, so she sent us downstairs to the psychiatric emergency room.

Before I went downstairs, she also give us a prescription to estradiol. No more hourse pee for me.

Before sending me down, she told me our weight is not unhealthy. That we shouldn't lose any more weight, but if I maintain my weight where it is now in a healthy manner, it is okay. The only reason I'm at a healthy weight now is because I've been smoking pot. I've gained quite a bit of weight since I started. This is a good thing. Now I just need to stop purging and start controlling my binges. Not going to be easy, but will be worth the effort.
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I spent about 4 hours in the psychiatric emergency room, mostly waiting. Waiting is a large part of the psych experience.

The visit ended up being a very good thing. First, they're going to try to move up our therapy intake appointment. Second, they got us into a partial program starting tomorrow. I've never been in a partial program, save the 75 minutes I spent at the Triangle Program. I'm a bit nervous about it, but am overall optimistic about it. And, the program is right in Cambridge Hospital, so the commute shouldn't be an issue.

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I came home and crashed for many hours. Very strange sleeps. My sleeps have in general been strange lately. I tend to drift in and out of sleep consistently confusing the dreaming and waking worlds. Both become intertwined in a way that can be quite scary at times. Bed isn't something I look forward to these days.