I walked around Arlington and Cambridge yesterday without a cane. i'm experimenting to see if I can (at least temporarily) leave them at home. I don't like having to carry one. I almost fell down at a couple points, but I didn't. While not completely inactive, my vertigo issues seem to be at a relatively inactive point. I know that I'll probably need to take a cane with me again in the future — but if I'm not going to be falling every day, I don't need to bring my cane with me every day, eh? I can take the occasional tumble, especially since I'm wearing thick fake fur coats with padding to dampen any falls that do happen.

I'm back in Boston. I had a great deal of fun with My sister, niece, brother-in-law, and mom. Maddie is a little ball of energy. Well, not little, she's quite big for a 7 year old. Smart and creative, but I just can't keep up with her.

The day I arrived, Thursday, we pretty much stayed around the house and relaxed. My mom had already been there for several days and was already settled in.

Friday, Christian stayed home while Maddie, Bridgette, my mom, and I went down to Georgetown. We hit Lush and Godiva and went to Dean & Deluca for lunch. While I've seen central meter machines in parking lots, I'd never seen a central machine for street parking before. I guess it is more efficient than having a separate parking meter for each spot, I'm just not used to it. The biggest disadvantage I see with the central machine system is that if it breaks down it disrupts the use of a number of parking spots at once.

Saturday we drove into Virginia through wine country and went to Linden Vineyards (nothing to do with Second Live). That was my favorite part of the trip down. Relaxing doesn't even begin to describe the place. Surrounded by rows of grapes and vine watching the clouds shadow-dance on the Blue Ridge Mountains. The cigar Christian gave me to smoke at the vineyard not only went perfectly with the cheese and wine, but also with the surrounding tranquility.

Sunday, I got up later than I had planned, but not so late that it caused any hassle in catching my flight. Upon leaving, Christian gave me some cigars, along with a 15-pack of Rocky Patel vintage 1992s, one of my favorites. My mom gave me a wonderful dragon cane when I arrived at the house and I was a bit worried about getting on the flight with 2 canes, but I didn't have any hassle and the return trip from Reagan National to Logan went smoothly.

I had hoped to get some good bird pictures, but unfortunately my birding camera is not working. I noticed it my first day there. It seems to be a connection problem with the battery prongs, which should be repairable. But, I was glad to see that Maddie loved birds and birdwatching despite her father's hatred of them.

The weekend before last, I lost the cane that Christian had given me. I left it in the shopping cart at the Super 88 and it was gone.

This past weekend, my serpent staff broke. The cane I can brush off as being spacy when I got in purpleglitter's car, but when something happens to the serpent staff it is generally means I've strayed off course. It broke in an entirely new place than it did before - after I repair it, it will have three different sections. I lost my spiritual path of late, life has overwhelmed me.

Life has overwhelmed me because I've let it overwhelm me. I've become frustrated and impatient with things that don't matter, and have been neglecting things that do. I need to be more mindful of my thoughts, actions, and intents. I need to right my path and fix my staff.

My sister (ellynx), brother-in-law, and niece are in town this weekend and I got to spend quite a bit of time with them yesterday. When I got to their hotel room, Madeline gave me a star sticker decorate my cane with. It glitters with sticker glittery fabulousness.

We went to Chau Chow City for lunch and planned to go to the Boston Aquarium and this chocolate buffet, but the lines to get in were far too long at the aquarium and we got the time wrong for the chocolate buffet and missed it. However, I ended up walking around downtown Boston popping in and out of shops for most of the afternoon with my sister, which was definitely not a disappointment.

In the evening, my sister and I joined back with Christian and Maddie and met up with Christian's parents for dinner at Umbria. I didn't get to talk much with Christian's parents last time I met them, because the environment was very noisy. After dinner, Bridgette and I had some more time together and as always evening conversations with my family are filled with surprises.

I feel old. Last week, a 16 year old added me to their friends list. That in itself did not make me feel old. What made me feel old was that she was born in 1990.

Outside of that, there are many things contributing to me feeling old nowadays. I walk around with a cane, sometimes with a slow and laboured gait. My hair is grey. I regularly talk in decades rather than years. I've found my self starting sentences with "Back in my day...". I've become more forgetful (if that was possible) and my mind just doesn't work as fast as it used to. Health problems are one of my favorite conversation topics, and if you want to you can see my scars.

I'm 32, but I often hear it said you're only as old as you feel. In which case, I'm really 78.

Heading off shortly. I'm a bit worried about the possibility of falling at the airport. I've been having less vertigo episodes the last couple weeks, but I'm still having at least one severe one daily and I won't have a staff or cane with me at the airport. Most of my time at the airport will be spent sitting and if I'm sitting an episode won't be a problem, so my chances of a good trip are pretty high. Nevertheless, I'm worried. I don't want a huge hassle at the airport. Nothing I can do about it though. Qué será, será.

I started work on a new staff/cane yesterday. My current one needs occasional maintenance, and there are many times I need a walking aid. I used a small hacksaw (the only appropriate cutting tool I have) to cut the windfallen branch down to size, peeled off the loss bark, and sanded it. Later today I plan to apply the first coat of polyurethane.

My old staff (which I may start calling my serpent staff to avoid ambiguity of which staff I'm referring to) will continue to be very special. It was a gift from the tree færies, and has come to symbolize many things for me. It is unique and cannot be replaced. The new staff is too young yet to see what if any spiritual meaning or purpose it might have or develop. But, if nothing else it will serve as a cane when I am not using the old one, which might be a good idea on many occasions simply to reduce wear.

I've been having falling/dizzy spells/seizure/whatever the fuck it is issues again. I've had felt a bit more wobbly over the last week, but it's really spiked the last couple days. According to merryperseis, my eyes dilated at the beginning of the episode on the bus coming home from the North End on Friday. This does not surprise me, as one of the major symptoms of the episodes is muscle weakness and poor coordination which often makes eye focus difficult, so eye dilation would make sense. However, as this is only time eye dilation has been noted in conjunction with one of these episodes, and I would prefer it to be noted again to designate it as a symptom instead of as a coincidence.

Yesterday was much worse than Friday. My morning walk an with taiaselene was without incident. I was fine until the afternoon, which went horribly. An incident that while waxing and waning lasted for well over an hour. There was in addition another significant episode in the evening, though shorter and less severe than the afternoon one.

Of course, there is no way of really knowing where this is going and when the cycle will wane again. I am using a cane/staff again when I go out and will until this bares itself out. I will not let these episodes keep me from going for my walks and other outdoor activities. I refuse to let this control my life. Sure, that increases the chance that I might be sent to the emergency room by the unduly worried — but that just means I'll have an opportunity for a cathartic release of anger at whatever asshole doctor I get. Works for me.

I have been using my staff/cane to get around again. The gorilla glue works well holding it together, but fails when the staff is subjected to lateral forces. To strengthen the break in this regard, I tightly wound twine around it. I then coated the twine with wood glue to keep it from unraveling. I'm contemplating staining the twine, because it is much lighter than the rest of the staff. I have the stain, I just haven't decided if I want to.

I've been getting comments that my staff looks like a shillelagh. I have heard "Nice shillelagh." several times the past couple days. While I never intended it to be a shillelagh, the comparison is oddly pleasing to me.

I haven't fallen down once since the rapture I experience a little over a week ago. Not once. Something was awakening. The unwinding of the Kundalini. I have noted much symbolic significance in what I have called my cane. It is more than a cane, it is my staff. I realize now that I did not need my staff because I had trouble walking, but that I had trouble walking because I needed my staff. Now I have found it and seen what it is, I do not need it to walk around, but I do need it for my journey. It was meant for me.

I have come to see my staff in the form of a serpent, the handle being the serpent head. The serpent is not an animal I would have picked out to associate myself with. The squirrel, the skunk, the Canadian goose, and the raccoon. Those have been the animals I have felt kinship with. But now I walk a new path. Not really new a new path, as I've always walked my path, it's just I realized before that I was walking.

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Today is the first day I have been able to take my staff outside since I sealed it with polyurethane 6 days ago. I put the coating on it so that I would not have to worry about taking it outside in the elements. I was worried that snow and rain would take their toll on it, and it would not be long before it crumbled of rot.

Putting the polyurethane on proved to be more adventure than I had anticipated. More accurately: putting the polyurethane on the staff was easy, getting it off myself was difficult. I don't have any paint thinner, and not much else works as a solvent for polyurethane. I tried water and soap. I tried rum. My hands were sticky and the stick was spreading. The brushes I placed in a plastic bowl of soapy water and I hope that they are still able to be fully cleaned when I do get paint thinner. However, my hands and my arms were my more immediate concern and I lacked the correct solvent.

It then occurred to me that there was another approach to solve the problem. I needed the polyurethane would take hold of rather than something that would take hold of the polyurethane: flour. I worked the flour over my hands and arms and between my fingers letting it form a thick paste with the polyurethane. That paste I could then simply scrape off my skin. It worked, and I am now free of the stick of the polyurethane. I will, however, make sure I have paint thinner on hand if I try this again, so that I can do the clean-up the proper way.

zarthon slept over at purpleglitter's last night so he wouldn't have to commute out to Arlington in the morning to give me a ride to my neurology appointment this morning. We arrived on time, at 8:30am. We waited about 10 or 15 minutes and were brought back to one of the exam rooms. After waiting another 15 minutes we were told that they never received the EEG results from SleepMed. They said to wait and they'd have SleepMed send over the results. We waited. Nothing. We waited. Nothing. Finally the doctor came in and said that we could leave and he'd call me with the results. When zarthon asked what would happen if I needed a prescription, he stated that if that was necessary he would then make another appointment. I told him that I wanted another appointment to be set now, and that I did not want to discuss this over the phone, I wanted to discuss it in person. So now I have an appointment for 4:00pm tomorrow, which zarthon has generously agreed to drive me to.

I did make one error today. I left my cane in the car. I didn't trust the neurologist not to chastise me for using one before he said I needed one. I wish I had brought it, because it turned out I could have used it. I had to rest against the wall a couple times going up to the office and at one point I had difficulty getting out of my seat. Both were relatively minor incidents that would have been made somewhat easier if I had my cane. Luckily I had no major episodes while movement was necessary.

I'm worried about what to do with the cane tomorrow. If I go up with the cane they may think it just for show because I didn't have it yesterday. But if I don't, I may need it again and have to deal with not having it. I don't trust these people, and I know there is a very good chance already don't believe there is anything medically wrong with me because of my psych history. It would fit with the pattern of medical care I've been receiving. We'll see what happens tomorrow, if anything actually does.

i am of the mud and the barkdust
i wander with my walking stick
the wind whispers its secrets to those who would listen
tales of cities past and buried long ago
life to death and life again
our bones will make the soup of the future

look upon what cannot be and remember what never was
there is nothing here
only ghosts today, and echoes of silence to come

I went to meet scattermew at the Diesel yesterday. I got there on time, sitting along the wall towards the back. I waited for about an hour occasionally looking for her. I never saw her. Once I arrived home, I called her and asked her what happened. Apparently she was only a couple seats down from me, arriving just shortly after I did, but I never saw her. That's understandable, because while I was fine when i arrived at the diesel, I became progressively more out of it as I sat there. My looking around for her was not done efficiently because I didn't have the focus (visually or mentally) to do an efficient scan.

On my way home my cane broke in two. I knew it was going to happen soon, but it still made me much sad. I am now using the cane I'm making from the windfall branch I found by Spy Pond. I am far from done working on it, but it is all I have for now, so even in it's transitional state it will have to do. I will continue to work on it and hopefully finish the job in the near future.

These things happen, but it disheartens me because I only have a limited amount of funds and physical stamina to go out and meet people, and while I like being social I'm beginning to think that at this point it may be more trouble than it's worth.

Walking back from Mass Convenience, I was accosted by a man who looked around 40 and seemed to be slightly inebriated yelling at me "You don't need a cane.". It is exactly attitudes like that that made me resist using a cane for so long. I realize that a good deal of the time I can walk perfectly fine without a cane. But during my episodes, which have been very frequent of late, it is very hard to walk and often very hard to simply stand. I have managed to stay off the ground a good many times because of my cane, and when I do end up on the ground the can helps me get back up. There are also many times where I am able to remain mobile with the help of the cane when without it I would be stuck. With balance and coordination so often issues, the cane has given me much more confidence when i go out, and I've been able to do a lot more since I've been using it. I DON"T WANT TO HAVE TO CARRY A CANE, BUT RIGHT NOW I DON"T SEE ANY OTHER CHOICE.

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I did manage to do some work on my new cane today, as the cracks in my old one are getting larger and it is only a matter of time before it snaps. I would like to stop using it BEFORE that happens, as I rather like it and would like to keep it around in one piece even if I no longer use it. I sawed off the excess length pealed off the easily removable bark. Most of the bark was not easily taken off, and I began sanding. I don't have enough sand paper to finish the job, and even after I pick some up the sanding will probably be several days work as I can only sustain a small periods of vigorous activity these days. There is some rot underneath the bark and I found a strange bug that I did not recognise under the bark that I was able to pry off, but that those things should not be surprising as the branch was lying on the soft earth by Spy Pond for who knows how long. But, it is sturdy and despite its flaws I still believe it will make a fine cane.

There is a 50/50 chance that my therapist will suggest that I check myself in to the hospital today. What still a possibility, the chance that she'll actually force me to go into the hospital is much less than that. She has shown herself to be very reluctant to commit forced psychiatry, and I really like that. I don't know what I feel about a hospital visit. Many of those around me think I need one, but I don't trust that it'll make me feel better. I think they'll try to give me thorazine and I won't feel better, I'll just feel immobile. And more immobile is definitely not what I need to feel right now.

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If I don't end up in the asylum today, I'm going to go to work making the branch I found under the trees along the shore of spy pond into my new cane. I need to finish it before my current cane gives out. I hate that I destroyed what purpleglitter so thoughtfully gave me. I feel very very awful about it, I loved that cane - it has even whiskey flask and a now-dead compass! It was stylish and went with my wardrobe perfectly. I can't believe I destroyed it. But, in the words of Plautus, "factum est illud, fieri infectum non potest" – done is done, it cannot be made undone. My new cane will be more sturdy and crafted by myself out of a gift from the winterclad tree færies.

My cane is dying. The wood is cracking more and more. It is only a matter of time before it snaps in half. It is my own fault, as I damaged it hitting myself with it. My anger is getting out of hand. I feel very trapped, and with the amount of falling down I'm doing I'm afraid that I'll feel even more trapped without a cane. I can't afford to get myself a new one.

I went out very upset. I was originally going to do bad suicidal things, but I looked over to Spy Pond and something hit me. I could find a new cane under the trees behind the fence. I walked along the fence on the muddy slope on the shore of Spy Pond. Nothing approaching anything suitable. Something told me to go a little further. There I found a twisted fallen branch. A bit too long, but it is very sturdy and just the right shape. It feels right. It feels meant to be. I thanked the tree then headed back to purpleglitter's house. I need to take the branch to the house_of_clocks and fix it up in the playroom and I will have my new cane.