where am i going?
do i need to go somewhere?
i feel as if i do
where i am now is not bad
it is not unpleasant
but it is not where i want to stay
i must move on

i remember when life was constant flux
chaos
everything changed every few days
while perhaps i do not want to go back to that extreme
i do not like stagnation
i need motion
i need change
those days of chaos were not too long ago
although they feel like a different world
i want to seek out the middle path
the road in-between

It's spring and my life is waking up. Just a few years ago, my life was extremely turbulent and my mind was an unpleasant place to be in. Everything was always in flux, but far from always in a good way.

This past year has been calmer, quieter, so stable it has bordered on a bit boring. But, it's been something I needed.

Now, things are beginning to pick up again. However, this time it's different. I can feel the motion of before, but things are clearer. This past year gives me a platform from which to launch from. It has been a place of stable mind and thought that has let me ground and center. The loops are still there in the background, but I know how to work them now. I am not afraid. My eyes are opening. I am awake.

Spring has arrived. Soon, the plants my sister and brother are sending me for my birthday will start arriving and I'll be able to put the compost to good use. They are sending me 3 butterfly bushes, 3 red latham raspberry bushes, and 6 oriental poppies. I'm very excited about gardening this year.

I haven't done any gardening since I rented the house in Columbia, Missouri and grew carrots out back. It was a very small house with a small yard, but it was a house with a yard and it was $185/month. Wow, that price seems great now, I couldn't rent a room for that around here these days. It's a different season here, in more ways than just not being winter anymore.

I'm still here. But I'm just not as enthusiastic about this place as I was. Everything now seems to require a workaround. I no longer encourage others to start journals here. I no longer feel any loyalty to this place. I'm only here because there doesn't seem to be any place better. But as soon as that better comes along, I don't see much keeping me on LiveJournal. Six Apart has run what a place I loved right into the ground.

The addition $42 billion dollars in war funding requested by the Bush Administration is political move designed to allow both the Democrats and the Republicans to appeal to their bases. It smells of backroom dealing. The Democrats in congress will not approve this additional funding, but instead will fund the war at the originally requested levels. The Republicans can then appeal to their base by saying that the Democrats aren't giving the troops the funding they need, and the Democrats can appeal to their base by saying the actually did something by turning down the Bush Administration's additional request.

In the end, nothing changes.

I've been holding off posting this until the lease was signed so as not to jinx things. However, getting everything done by snail mail between California and Massachusetts has been taking a bit longer than we anticipated, and I can't stand not to mention it. So at the risk of jinx, I post this anyway:

purpleglitter and I are moving in together at the end of the month. We're moving into one side of a wonderful duplex in an historic district of Arlington. We're near the bike trail and a stream. I'm going to be able to see a good variety of birds just sitting on the back porch. The place is idyllic. I'm very excited.

I will miss the house_of_clocks. Unlike last time, I will not be taking the clocks with me. Last time the household moved, this time it is individuals moving. It's the end of an era for me. Perhaps those who are in the house after me will continue the tradition, perhaps not. I hope they will, as it would make me happy if the house_of_clocks still existed.

Things are changing so fast. You'd think I'd be used to rapid change by now. Perhaps I am, and I'd just have to experience a period of time without rapid change to notice.

tagged by dan4th (changed wording):

Post 6 odd or weird habits/things/facts about you. Tag 6 people who you'd like to see do the same.

1. I regularly pick up things with my feet.

2. I speak Squirrel. Sometimes squirrels gather around me and random passersby take pictures.

3. I walk around in robes carrying a staff.

4. I do not live my life in chronological order.

5. I buy 5 gallon buckets of pickles for personal consumption.

6. I know a wide variety of obscure facts, but not as many obvious ones.

goldmourn, likeamermaid, purpleglitter, recoiling, vagrant, xhappyx

Wish pods are specially gathered water caltrops, often called water chestnuts. In order to be wish pods, they must be found floating in the water, not washed ashore. Also when gathering wish pods, one pod must be returned to a body of fresh water different from the one the pods were gathered from, with the blessing "Good Journey."

Once properly gathered, wish pods are generally painted. Although this is not necessary for wishes, painting helps harmonize the luck of the pod. Wish pods always bring good luck, but bring the best luck if received as a gift.

To use the wish pod, place it in the room you spend the most time in. When you place your wish pod in the room, state your wish under your breath three times. No one else should hear your wish. Remember: the bigger the wish, the longer it will take to be fulfilled.

Placement in the room is important. Place the wish pod in the area of the room that most corresponds to your wish:

North — if you wish for money or material items. East —- if you wish to better understand something or someone, or are wishing for knowledge or enlightenment. South — if you wish for change. West — if you wish for love or a closer relationship with loved ones. Center — if you wish for balance, harmony or peace.

the truth is never as it seems and is at all times subject to change
this is not a cynicism
it the state of the universe
the states of existence
the state of all

questions without answers
and answers without questions
we are lost in the eternal flux

the ground we walk upon
the very earth
is mostly not there
empty space with some ephemeral probabilities
we are the stuff of nothing
and together we form everything
the universe is our nothing god
the collection of all the might be
could be
should have been
the directed will of thinking void
we are its thoughts
consciousness manifest
a small part of our own deception

determinism
can i say it is not so?
we are what we were meant to be
it's all been worked out
we've gone through the pattern a thousand times
and a thousand more well shall play this out
nothing ever changes

free will
where is this not?
no force of action
we free to move and shape our lives and our destiny
where we go, we choose to go
we effect change
we are always in flux

neither view is exclusive of the other
the universe is of both place
both "realities"
we are bound to our destinies and the shapers of them
future is unwritten and yet pre-scripted
we can neither change nor can we stay the same

look upon lies, there you will find the truth
look upon the broken, there you will find the hope
look upon nothing, there you will find everything

My inner circle has drawn tighter lately. My outlook has grown a bit darker and I've become more secretive online and off. I've really not been feeling that outwardly social and have been avoidant. Recent events have further entrenched that mindset.

I'm trying to expand that circle again. Slowly, at first. I met dan4th for breakfast at the Arlington Diner yesterday, who I have long considered a good friend but haven't seen much of as late. I want to make it a point to start attending his game nights, talking to more people, and getting out of my own head. I can't go on like this, so I need to change. Adapt or die.

As I stated in an earlier post: the old house_of_clocks, which due to its dilapidated condition was sometimes called the Crackhouse of Clocks, was completely renovated and turned into a condo a couple years after we moved out. purpleglitter and I went to the open house today to check the place out. The layout of the place was virtually the only thing that was familiar. The place is astounding, wonderful. I'd love to move back in if I could afford it. Even if I could afford it, however, the housing market is poised on the verge of a giant bubble burst and now would definitely not the time to be buying.


( tour of the renovated old house of clocks )

winter is in this room
it is cold here
the energy is of music playing off-tune and backwards
i do not like my room anymore
i need to change it
but i don't seem able to
and the cold and the mess and the horribleness overwhelms me
i do not like my room
i need to change it

maybe i'm just drunk, but i believe bush's mind can be changed
cheney seems to have gotten to him about civil unions
maybe he can be pulled away from the dark side
nah, i'm just drunk

i haven't been posting much that i've been up to
i guess i'll make that up now
last weekend i planned to go to a party and a samhain rite
i had big fun at the party on Saturday
but i didn't make it to the rite on Sunday
i wasn't feeling up to it
i haven't been feeling up to much actually
i'm a shadow of the social butterfly i used to be
i need to get out more
but before that i need to get stable
and drinking tonight isn't helping
i feel less stable
and i feel ill as alcohol makes my stomach problems worse
but i'm drinking anyway
because bush won and we're all fucked
might as well fuck myself
i need to change direction
the direction i'm in is right into the dirt
it might not seem that i'm doing that badly
but i am
outwardly i'm doing better than i have in years
but inside i'm being torn up
for no good reason, it just feels like my mind is being ripped apart
"disordered thinking" as my therapist would say
i need to get motivated to change
i've always had a problem with motivation
stress and deadlines used to be the way i'd cope with that lack
i'd thrive on stress
now i just curl up under stress
i'm going to take another drink, lay down, and try not to vomit
ha! that's a good one
vomiting is what got me into this stomach mess in the first place
i used to make myself vomit
now i do it involunarily
fun fun
bulimia is evil
i wish i never went down that road
i've lived to regret it very much
i wish i could have a drink without feeling ill
i want to say it's not fair, but i did it to myself
it is fair
i just hate it

so i'm drunk
for the first time in i don't know how long
i went for a while where i couldn't drink
just a little bit would make me throw up
damage from bulimia
but i'm doing better now
i've stopped purging

i'm drinking cinnamon whiskey and dr. pepper
it's a drink merryperseis made up
since she made it up she has naming rights
if i were naming it i'd probably call it something stupid like dr. cinnamon

i'm still a bit sad about saying goodbye to my therapist
i could tell she really cared about me
she wouldn't have cried at the end of our last session if she didn't
i'm going to miss her
but i still have the work we did together
i'm not losing that just because we've said goodbye
i'm not starting over
i'm a different person now
a better person
it's do in part to her help
but i can keep the new me
and improve further
i'm looking forward to the future
something i haven't done in a long time
i was always planning on ways to kill myself
but right now i don't want to die
i have faith in myself
faith i'm worth caring about
and her crying cemented that faith
it showed me that even if i bare my secrets to a total stranger
i'm still a good person
they end up caring for me
her crying touched me in so many ways
i just wasn't expecting it
i feel better about myself than i have in years
i'm someone worth caring about

2003 was a bit rocky in places. I was admitted 5 times to psych wards. But, I had no suicide attempts compared with 4 in 2002. During 2003, I cut down on cutting and purging almost to the point of stopping. I'm happy with my pdoc and therapist. I started the year with no significant others, and ended the year with 2 girlfriends. I made a lot of spiritual and emotion progress this year. I'm a very different person than I was at the beginning of the year. I think I'm on a good path now, where at the beginning of the year I was simply wandering aimlessly through the wood. All in all 2003 has been a year of growth, healing, and acceptance. A good year.

dwelling here between yesterday and tomorrow
i am in today
now -- after the past and before the future
there is always this place
because it was never yesterday
and it will never be tomorrow
there is always only this place
there is only one day
one hour
one minute
and we live that minute over and over again
hour by hour
day by day
it's always the same thing
nothing ever changes
ever