This has been a wonderful and merry Christmas so far. purpleglitter got me wonderful gifts, including a new birding camera — the same model as the broken one, so that it will work with my telephoto lens.

My parents gave me a brass clock once owned by my great-grandfather. It's an old electric clock and wasn't made with the ability to start up on its own. A knob in the back must be spun just right so that it "catches", then the electric power will take over. The neat thing about the clock is that it will run backwards if the knob is spun backwards. I used to always set it running backward when I was a kid, and it is running backwards in my livingroom now.

A 27-year-old man from Ethiopia was arraigned today at East Boston District Court on a charge that he made a false threat to "blow things up" at Logan International Airport. Ermiyaf A. Asfaw, a taxi driver who lives in Washington, D.C., walked up to an AirTran check-in counter Saturday night and was asked by an agent why he had stickers on his luggage from Dubai. Asfaw responded that he had been there. The agent asked, "Were you there on business or pleasure?" According to prosecutors, Asfaw responded: "No. I'm Al Qaeda. I'm with them, and I'm here to blow things up." The agent responded that his statement was not funny and was against the law. Asfaw laughed, prosecutors said, and walked away from the counter. The ticket agent alerted a supervisor, who notified State Police. full story

What is it about Boston that attracts this special brand of idiocy? Sure, maybe the agent's questions were invasive, but I knew when I was 6 not to joke about bombs at an airport. They take these things very seriously. This is not some new post-911 thing, this is the way it's been as long as there has been high traffic commercial airports.

I regularly look up at the sun. Directly. I've done so all my life. When I was in elementary school I was not as cautious and would actually stare. I've even directly observed an annular eclipse of the sun. Now, I just look for a few seconds at a time.

I do it simply to keep in touch with Sol, who brings us warmth and light and life. I talk to Sol, I have a relationship with Sol.

I'm not recommending that anyone go out and do this. There is definitely risk involved – Sol is enthralling and invites stares of awe. People do go blind sungazing, it may just be luck that I have not.

My eyesight has degraded over the years, though not too significantly – from 20/15 when I was a teenager to 20/20 now, and at least some of that is attributable to an increase in static (even with frame comparison compensation).

So, Foley claims he was molested growing up. Whether or not that happened, I do not like it again being used as an "excuse" for this behaviour. Most people who are molested DO NOT end up becoming molesters themselves. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR FOLEY'S BEHAVIOUR.

This is a very personal issue with me. I was molested as a child. I would never do anything like that to a child. However, the constant repetition of "victims of molestation become molesters" has made me wonder at points if I'm somehow at risk of waking one day and becoming a monster. I've heard this fear from many other victims as well. People who would never harm a fly worried about being around children because of this damaging "inner monster" myth.

I'm going to say it again:

BEING A VICTIM OF MOLESTATION DOES NOT MAKE ONE BECOME A MOLESTER. It is not an excuse and those who use it as one are further harming victims. Assholes like that should be locked up for the rest of their lives and left to rot.

I'm always surprised at how well I pass nowadays, even if I tend to pass for 10-20 years older than I am. I feels strange, I'm still not used to the idea that I'm not automatically "out" to everyone.

I have no intention of going stealth, I plan to always be out to friends and acquaintances. But, on the street I see no reason to wear a big sign that says "tranny". I feel like I'm copping out, but I feel it's an issue of safety.

There is definitely an appeal to going deep stealth, but it inevitably involves dishonesty. Stealthers change inconvenient facts about their pre-transition lives. They make up stories more fitting to the childhood they think they should have had. In short, they lie. I have no intention of being anything other than what I am, and I am not ashamed.

I will not run back into the closet, regardless of how nice that closet will be. I will not turn my back on my community. And, I will not cloak myself in lies.

When I was little, we would visit my Aunt Leslie and Uncle Dizz. When we'd visit, I would always ride Thunder (the horse I'm riding in the picture below). They had another horse that they let us ride, but Thunder was my favorite

One time, my sister (ellynx) and I were riding Thunder bareback and she started to slip off. Panicking, she grabbed onto my shirt pulling me into the mud as well. But, when you fall off a horse it is best to get right back on. And that is just what we did.

I miss riding horses. I haven't done it in so long. Someday, maybe again.

I'm 32.

I'm still fighting decades old demons.

When will it ever stop?

I'm too old for this.

Fuck people who say I'm wallowing.

Fuck everyone.

I don't fucking care.

It's been far too long.

The gorilla glue seems to be doing a good job keeping my staff held together. I can even put my weight on it. For a long time I've had a sense that those things around me that I most considered truly mine have been broken and put back together, sometime precariously. I've always felt a connection with such things, because I have put myself back together from the shattered remnants of long ago. I remember when I was around 13 (give or take a year), I had a Commodore 64 and the floppy drive didn't work. I repaired it using rubberbands, and it worked well for many years until I got a 386. I've always felt that I'm running on rubberbands and duct tape. Now my staff is this way too. Perhaps this will serve not only to be more mindful of its care, but also to increase my connection to it and my commitment to understanding the meaning behind it.

I grew up in a predominately atheist household. We celebrated Christmas because my parents came from families that celebrated Christmas. However, we celebrated it as an entirely secular holiday. "Merry Christmas" was a standard winter greeting.

On both the winter solstice and the summer solstice, I would also occasionally say "Happy Solstice". However, at that point growing up I had no idea that the solstice was actually considered by anyone a holiday of any sort. I just knew that something was going on in the sky and it was called the solstice and it seemed like a good idea to wish people a happy one.

I am no longer an atheist, and while I may draw some of my beliefs and practices from pagan traditions, I am far from what one would consider pagan. I have my own complex mixed up spirituality drawn from many religions and philosophies with a good deal of my own stuff thrown in, and take pride in the fact that I truly follow no prescribed spiritual belief system.

In that light, I have come to view the solstice as an ideal winter holiday for one reason: no matter what your religious beliefs are, something actually happens every year on the winter solstice. Anyone who would dispute that something occurs is more ridiculous than the flat earthers.

So, in a completely astronomical context:

HAPPY SOLSTICE!

I've really got to learn to stay away from triggery debates in livejournal communities, at least for the time being. It can cause a cascade of mental issues.

survivor? whateverthefuck. i'm not one. i did not survive. i'm just the pile of debris left over from whatever was here before. whatever was here before died. died a very long time ago.

i'm not a person. i'm just a ghost in a breathing body.

I just realized something by looking at my last two posts. There is a time I feel safe outside: during a downpour. Rain somehow takes my fear away temporarily. Maybe it's because I've always been safe in the rain. I grew up in a situation where rain meant prosperity and happiness. My parents got along and generally happiness ensued. Drought brought fighting parents and less money. I still have such strong positive associations with the rain, that it overpowers my otherwise timid nature. I will jump and play in the rain. It's odd.

Something else that stands out is that years ago, when I was in much more danger outside, I didn't have the same level of fear. It's almost as if I'm a horse who's finally been broken and now knows her place. I don't want to know my place. I don't want to be a broken horse. I need to break out of this trap, before I spend the rest of my life in it. I know that many non-queer and non-trans folk end up with the same sort of agoraphobic response to the world, and for similar reasons. But, with all the talk about not living in fear of terrorist, about how doing so lets them win, I can't help but think that those that broke me were essentially terrorists. Just of a different breed. There is still a systematic effort to instill fear into the population, not by foreigners, but by the good-olde-boy network right here. By allowing my actions to be dictated by that fear, I am letting them win. That is something I need to change.

i want to do acid
acid has always been great therapy for me
it was my therapy before i was brave enough to seek out psych professionals
sure, i freak out a little bit sometimes
have wicked bad trauma flashbacks or get caught in nasty loops
i get really switchy and lose time
but as a good friend of mine stated, acid is for freaking out sometimes
it's okay to freak out
it's actually helpful
i really want some again
i've learned so much on my trips
but i haven't been able to get it in years
it's been far too long since i visited tripland
i want to go back there
soon

i haven't been motivated to write lately
so i'm writing a stream of consciousness post
it's a great way of getting the creative juices flowing again

i think i've quit project three meals again
i may make attempt 3 at some point
but not right now

i've been on a fairly regular sleep schedule lately
it's odd
i have no reason to keep to a schedule
but i do

therapy went well monday
we talked about a lot of childhood stuffs
my therapist is very interested in my childhood
this isn't surprising
therapists are normally interested in childhood

we also talked about pot
how when i smoke all the time it's because i've given up in a way
i feel i'm not wasting my life because my life is already wasted
it's very defeatist
i feel smoking occasionally is one thing
but i don't want to be stoned 24/7
as a matter of fact, i don't want to be on any drug 24/7
that includes my psych meds
that is one reason i want to get off them
tardive dyskinesia is another reason
i haven't smoked pot in over a week and a half
this is mostly because i don't have any
my rational mind may want to smoke only occasionally
but the rest of me wants to smoke all the time
why?
because it feels good
balance
moderation
those are the keys
just because it feels good doesn't mean it's good for my mental development
yes, i need to think about getting better
and pot smoking doesn't help me get better
it makes me comfortable where i am
but i don't want to be comfortable where i am
i want to move on
i want to get back to doing things
i want to be able to hold down a job again
i want to get off disability
and i want to get off my psych meds
i can't do any of that if i am comfortable where i am
so i need to be a bit uncomfortable
being a bit uncomfortable right now is healthy for me
i've improved so much
but there is so much left to do
and the big doors are still shut
i need to open them
soon
the time is coming soon

thinking about meds again
my reasoning for not liking the idea of permanently being on them
i know
and agree with everyone who says i should just think of them as any other medication
but i need meds not because of some random factor
i need meds because of what he did to me
and i'll need them for the rest of my life
and that just pisses me off
pisses me off so much that i can't deal with being pissed off that much
so i avoid it
make up excuses
i don't want to be pissed off
because that means he's still in my head
i just want it to be like nothing happened
i'll be the math professor i could have been if he didn't rape me
if he didn't touch me
if he didn't torture me
i'd be happy in my ivory tower
but i'm not
i'm sitting here
broken
on meds forever
and he fucking won
and that pisses me off
but, again, i don't want to be pissed off
i don't want to feel like this
i want to feel another way
bad loops
bad loops
leave me alone
i've got to go
bye

i just had a wonderful realization
i've been afraid of being on geodon because of certain evil side-effects
namely tardive dyskinesia
but without geodon i was in a state of constant mental anguish
even if i develop tardive dyskinesia
i think it's better than where i was
i'm not afraid of it anymore
i can just become a hermit if i need to
i will still be online
little in my life will change
people won't stop loving me
i won't be a social butterfly
but i don't need that
i'm happy where i am right now
not just because of the e
but because i've improved
i don't have to reach perfection
i don't have to remember every detail of my trauma
in fact remember might be a bad idea
why rock the boat
i can live on ssdi
sure i don't have everything i want
and it would be nice to be able to hold down a job
but do i really need anything more than i have to be fulfilled?
no.
i don't
i'm fulfilled enough
my life is good
i just realized that my life is good
i don't have to keep looking for happiness
i have found it

remember
touch
back
tear my eyes out
pull
no
no
no
forget better
hurt
no
forget better
not real
remember or forget
i always want to remember
but when i get images i push them away
don't look at them
not there
can't see it
la la la
like that
i don't like things this way
i want to be okay with knowing
i want to keep my eyes open
but i'm too afraid to
i get scared away
it's so close
yet so far

set to alpha
dizzy and twitchy
but that's okay
i'm in a tunnel
the monitor is at one end
i feel the fear when i get close
i also feel a strong desire to get away
i begin to think it's not worth it
i'm scared
but i want to know
the fear is so awful
it radiates from it
pure terror
not terror of knowing
the terror of the memories
they steep in it
i can't get close without feeling it
it's so big all i want to do is make it go away
i have to learn to fight through this
if i ever want to know
i have to learn to face down the fear
i have been running from it for so long
hiding out
in the safe corners of my mind
but darkness shines all over now
am i really making progress?
i must learn to fight the fear
to not bow to it
this will be very hard
probably the hardest thing i've ever done
but i have to try
i must know
whatever comes of that knowledge
good or bad
i must be prepared for
that means if it turns out to be one of the unmentionables
we will go directly to the psych emergency room at cambridge hospital
because i know i will be suicidal
but i still want to know
i still want to see
and i'll keep searching until i find it

miss lucy had a steamboat

very important, because this sets us the next 3 lines, which have nothing to do with the song

the steamboat had a bell

good for the steamboat

the steamboat went to heaven

good steamboat. pious steamboat

miss lucy went to...
hello operator
give me number nine

single digit phone numbers. you can tell this is from a long time ago

if you disconnect me
i'll kick you in the...
behind the 'fridgerator
there was a piece of glass
miss lucy sat upon it

sitting behind the refrigerator is not normal behavior. it's quite odd indeed. the effort involved in moving such an object away from the wall to sit behind it does show some determination, though.

and broke her little...
ask me no more questions
and i'll tell you no more lies

sounds like a good deal

miss lucy's in the bathroom
making chocolate pies

that way we know that she didn't really break her ass. that was one of the lies. or maybe it was the truth and the end was a lie. maybe it's all lies.

lies.

that's all there is...

lies.