You can only walk all over me so many times. I left the following comment here in missclover's journal:

Dear Clover, I don't know what all your crap about you wanting to be friends again at the Sinister Party several weeks ago was. The bull about you being isolated and lonely and regretful of all the rumors and gossip you spread about me a year or so ago. I forgave you, maybe a bit too hastily. Whatever game you were playing, I know now that you were in no way sincere in your "apology". I have no intention of getting involved again with the games played by you and that little clique you run around with. I should of known by the way you were still enjoying bad mouthing others, that you had not really changed. I had thought I left all this shit behind me, and for the most part I still have. I just wanted to say, please never talk to me again, even if it is to "apologize", I want no part of your manipulative games. -Beverly

purpleglitter and I went to a party at Sinister House. I got to see my old friend Mitzi, whom I had not seen in quite some time. I have missed her greatly.

I also saw missclover. I have had some issues with missclover in the past, however I think we worked a lot out between us. I still like her very much, and it hurts that I don't know if we'll ever be as close friends as we once were. Regardless, I do very much look forward to renewing a friendship with her.

At one point, there was a large discussion of LiveJournal, but I wasn't able to get everybody's username, as I forgot to bring my pen.

I met many new and exciting people at the party and gave out a great many wish pods. I'm actually starting to run low on my supply of wish pods, and need to go out and gather more. I used to have two large jars of wish pods. Now, the last jar is nearing the bottom.

I wrote this on the bus Thursday.

At the Bus Stop I see you standing at the bus stop cold distance keeps us apart mistrust bred of past deeds a melancholy glance is all we now share I remember idle hours over coffee or chai I remember great plans never seen I remember sharing laughs and sometimes shoulders I remember a friendship lost

I called Clover. I explained how I still like her and forgive her for everything that has happened, but I don't trust her anymore. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust her again. I explained I need friends I can trust and I'm sorry but we just can't be friends anymore. It hurt me a little. I know it hurt her, but it had to be done. I'm glad it's over with.

Clover called right before I left for therapy. She was crying, so I told her she could come over while I got ready. She says she's running out of friends and she's just now realizing why: she's talked about everyone behind their back and instigated countless petty games and feuds. She says she feels bad and is getting what she deserves now. I can't say I disagree with her. I feel sorry for her, no one should feel awful, but she made her own bed. I can forgive her, but I can never trust her again the way I used to.

Clover just called. I don't know why I answered the phone, I really don't want to deal with her right now. She blatantly uses people and has no regrets about it. She hasn't called me in about a month, and what does she want when she calls? She wants me to come over and help her move some things around in her apartment. I don't think so. I'll be polite to her, but I really want to keep the distance that has developed between us.

Clover did something over coffee that makes me question whether it is wise to ever trust her again. She went on and on about how she didn't like Percy. About how he's this and how he's that. Then she proceeds to tell me Percy is giving her a ride to Man Ray tonight. How she's just using him for the ride now, and other than that she can't stand him. I'm no fan of Percy nowadays, but I have to wonder about someone who would so blatantly use someone else. I really don't need that type of friend. The more I think about it, the more I really don't want to remain friends with Clover.

I'm going to go meet Clover today. I'm not sure how happy I am about that. We were very good friends for a while, but she stabbed me in the back on a number of occasions. I don't know if she even realizes how much it hurt. Lake doesn't trust her either, but is okay with me visiting her.

The largest reason I want to see Clover, is that I have an urge to piece back together as much of my old friend network as I can. I'm going to be very cautious and feel her intentions out. I would like be close friends again, but I fear the trust may never fully recover.

I want to call Clover, but I'm afraid of pissing Lake off again. It's probably best that I don't call her. Lake is much much more important to me than Clover. I'll just let it be. I'm sad that I can't both have a happy Lake and Clover as a friend, but what can I do? I just have to live with how things are, and Lake has a strong hatred of Clover. I had no idea it was as strong a hatred as it is until last night. I have to respect Lake's feelings on the matter. I will initiate no more contact with Clover, and if Clover contacts me I'll tell her that things are just not going to work out.

I want to be friends with Clover, but Lake really doesn't seem to want me to have anything to do with her. I respect Lake's opinion, but I don't know what to do. On one hand, I don't want to cause any more turmoil than I've caused already. On the other hand I should be able to be friends with whomever I want to be friends with. I don't know what to do.

Lake really didn't want Clover coming over. She broke almost all of our nice glassware and a plate for good measure. Shirley wanted to cut very badly, but we had to comfort Lake, who was horrified at her outburst of anger.

We ended up renting "The Family Man". Lake liked it, I didn't.

Lake went to bed and we just purged. I didn't really binge. Shirley though we'd eaten too much and I just wanted to get rid of the energy of the day. So we did. Then we brushed our teeth and drank a baking soda solution.

Now I'm going to go clean up the rest of the broken glass in the kitchen.

I'm really sad about the glasses. I can't tell Lake how much they meant to me, or she'd feel even more guilty. They were the glasses I had 9 years ago, when I lived in a small rental house in Columbia, Missouri with my cat, Galena. Just me and Galena and a little garden in the backyard. I used to make spaghetti and me and Galena would sit at an upsidedown milk crate together and eat out of the same plate. I miss that place. A lot happened there. Good and bad. Those glasses were my last piece of that place. Only three remain now. 1 goblet (which were my favorite) and 2 tumblers. When they break, I'll have no connection.

Clover is coming over. We've decided to give being friends another go. I'm happy about that, because she's been a good friend in the past, and I've been sad recently not feeling free to pick up the phone and call her. Lake isn't as forgiving as me, and thinks Clover let me down at my time of need. I understand Lake is just looking out for my best interests. However, Clover is a wonderful person, and I forgive what could probably be chalked up to a wrong-place, wrong-time sort of misunderstanding. It would be a pity to throw away all our years as friends over something little. It seemed big at the time, but from where I am now I can see it wasn't that large. The friendship will take some work to mend, but I'm willing to put the effort in, if Clover is.

I was flipping through my orange journal and ran across a happy memory. It was written the afternoon after Gerette and I went skinny dipping.

August 6th, 2000 1:00pm The ritual went extremely well. Clover didn't go, but that was okay. We were able to cleanse Gerette's tainted items and break the hex. After the ritual, Gerette and I went skinny dipping. It was fun. I've never done that before. I made Gerette turn around while I was out of the water so she wouldn't see me. Gerette left the water first, after which I swam to the middle of the pond. It was so nice sitting in the middle of the quiet water with a slight mist obscuring the shore, staring up at the pinhole stars while the occasional meteor would streak by. It was just me and the water and the sky. No one else, nothing else. Just me alone in the universe.

I want to go skinny dipping there again. Unfortunately, Lake won't drive to the pond, me and Gerette aren't getting along anymore, and I don't know anyone else who both has a car and is interested.

Been depressed most of tonight. I'm doing better now. Going to go to Market Basket in a few hours for groceries. My stomach has been giving me quite a bit of grief today. Probably all the beans and rice I've been eating. We'll get better food when we go.

From time to time we're going to enter text from our old hand-written journals. Of course I'll tell you when we're doing this, so there will be no confusion.

I've lost three friends in the past few weeks. Well, people I assumed were friends. Percy, Clover, and Gerette. I've been friends with all three for quite some many years now. The loss of all three is the latest round of people who left because of my DID. We had quite a little e-mail war with Percy. Tried to send him a polite e-mail asking why he'd stopped talking to me, and he immediately became hostile. I know we should know better than to respond and enter into such a thing, but we did. When Clover tried to start the same thing, we'd already had enough so we entered her onto our blocked senders list.

I am at a point where I think all the dead wood has gone. The people from the era where I hid the truth about myself, who couldn't handle the real me, are gone. We are better for it. We have left good friends, and I'm confident we will find more. Finding good friends is like digging for diamonds: you have to dig through a lot of dirt, but when you find a jewel it was all worth it.