ganked from gryffyn:

I made it through a day without caffeine. I've been cutting back more and more each day. Finally, I've cut it down to none, and I seem to be doing alright. My goal is not to give up caffeine completely, just to move it in line with my general drug philosophy: while using a mind altering drug is not decisional a bad thing, it is best to avoid living on mind altering drugs. As I've said before that includes everything from alcohol and tobacco to cannabis to prozac to cocaine to seroquel. And it includes caffeine.

I felt well last night neither physically nor mentally. I took 2mg of my old Ativan prescription to put myself to sleep.

OH MY GOD! IT'S A PSYCH MED!!!

Yes, it's a psych med and yes I'm against psych meds. However, my issue with psych meds is living on them. I view living on any mind-altering drug as undesirable, whether that be Seroquel or heroin or alcohol. That does not mean occasional use of a mind altering drug such as Ativan is a bad thing.

Moderation is key. Have a drink on the weekend. Hell, get drunk some weekend. It's not the end of the world. Get drunk every day, that's a problem. When you live your life on alcohol or Zoloft or cocaine or Geodon, whether you are functional or not, you have lost touch with some portion of your core beginning. And when you are in touch with your core being, you can address the core issues that drove you take the drugs in the first place.

There was a point in my life where I would have taken any drug put in front of me. I didn't care how I felt as long as it was different. And I did lots of drugs, from street to psych and in between

I would smoke pot all day every day I could, drink way too much, take crystal and heroin and cocaine, pop klonopin and seroquel and zyprexa and whatever other nasty thing the psych people gave me. The only reason i never became addicted to heroin or cocaine was that I was never able to attain a steady supply and it is only by the grace of God that I am not an alcoholic. Going through geodon withdrawals was enough to make me very thankful I didn't go through that with anything else.

I am glad I moved on from that place, I know many who didn't. Many who couldn't. Many who never will.

When I fall into these troughs like I've been in the last several days, I must keep mindful of how far I've come. Where I was and where I am. I got through that, I can get through this.

People often get the wrong impression about me and drugs, and this is for the most part my fault. I talk about drugs a lot. They fascinate me. I'm very very interested in them. But with the amount of talking and writing I do about them, many people walk away thinking that I am shoveling these things into my mouth 24/7. I am not. Drugs interest me as a topic a lot more than they interest me as an activity. I don't make a huge effort to constantly seek them out. I do not feel the need to cultivate a steady supply and have them consistently on hand. I don't want to live my live on any psychoactive drug. Period. That goes equally for acid, marijuana, prozac, alcohol, and geodon. I do not view those who desire to do drugs all the time as inherently inferior in any way to those who don't. I do not dismiss that as a valid lifestyle choice. Even if I had a issue with it, it is not be my place to judge the personal decisions adults make regarding to their own bodies and minds. I, however, tend prefer to be in my natural state the majority of the time. That decision may not be the most healthy for me as my mind has been a very bad place, but deep inside I believe that that bad place is something that I have to learn to deal with directly if I'm going to live.

For some strange reason this New York Times headline amuses me greatly:

Cocaine Prices Rise and Quality Declines, White House Says

gacked from kaiaroo:

WASHINGTON, Oct. 13 (UPI) -- Scientists said Thursday that marijuana appears to promote the development of new brain cells in rats and have anti-anxiety and anti-depressant effects, a finding that could have an impact on the national debate over medical uses of the drug. Other illegal and legal drugs, including opiates, alcohol, nicotine and cocaine, have been shown to suppress the formation of new brain cells when used chronically, but marijuana's effect on that process was uncertain. Now, a team led by Xia Zhang of the department of psychiatry at the University of Saskatchewan in Saskatoon may have found evidence the drug spurs new brain cells to form in a region of the brain called the hippocampus, and this in turn reduces anxiety and depression. full story

So much for the killing brain cells argument.

My assignment for this week from my therapist was to sign up for the Safety and Self Care group on Monday nights. It's basically a group to help me with eating right, minimizing drug use, taking my meds, showering, paying bills, cleaning house, cutting, and suicidality. All that good functional life stuff. Not all of those things are things I'm having problems with, but I'm having problems with enough of them that she believes I should join this group.

Obviously I need help to quit drugs. I can't do it on my own. And if I can't do it on my own, I can't at least see what I am like without them. And that is important for me to make a choice whether or not I want to do them. The funny thing is, I seem to not have the choice. This is an addiction. Psychological addiction probably. But one in my twisted mind that is most difficult to break. I will give the psych people a chance at solving the riddle and will attempt to follow their instructions. But if they can't unravel the knot then I will then be forced to come to terms with it and accept myself as an addict. Which with pot isn't an all that grave of a thing. But if I allow myself to become addicted to cocaine, which could very easily happen, i will find that my free flow will suddenly be too short, and i cannot afford that to happen. so no more cocaine and no more unsupervised contact with source of the cocaine. if i can't do that then, well, i'll be a coke addict with no money which means essentially translates to crack addict. having exhausted all possibilities i will probably end up killing myself.

It times like these I wish I didn't flush my coke down the toilet. That was really stupid.

This is my last stoned post for a while. December is my drug-free experiment. I plan to abstain from the use of all non-prescription psychoactive drugs with the exception of caffeine for one month. I'm going to see how I feel at the end of the month. I need to know how I feel with a somewhat clean system. I say "somewhat clean" because I'll still be taking my prescription psychoactive drugs. I know I need them to function, which means I can't clean my system completely. But that's okay. The experiment will proceed nonetheless.

I just flushed all my cocaine down the toilet after proving to myself that I can't keep it to once a month. I've done my experimentation with it, and it's too good. Too tempting. I can't go down that road. It was hard to do. All that pure white bliss down the toilet. But I know it won't stay bliss for long. Sweet poison is the deadliest.

i very occasionally do cocaine
when i can get my hands on it
i can't afford to spend my own cash, so it's pretty hit or miss
i only allow myself one line a month
and i already did my coke for this month
next month is my drug-free month
so i won't be doing it again until next year
and that is if i still want to be doing drugs after December
some people are very against my moderate cocaine usage
and i understand where they are coming from
the only reason they are against it is because they care for me
but i believe that if i am very careful with it i'll be okay
and i have been careful with it
so i'm not worried
i don't think small amounts of coke are that big of a deal

now that purpleglitter's computer is working again
i'll probably be posting more often
i'll probably be posting more often in stream of consciousness form

i've decided that for the month of december i will not consumer any non-prescribed drugs (alcohol is a drug) with the exception of caffeine.
i want to see how i feel at the end of the month
i want to know how much the various random substance change my system
if i'm not doing noticeably better at the end of december
i'll go back to my old habit
if i am doing better i'll have to rethink if drugs are worth it

it's a beautiful day today
in the 60s for probably the last time this year
it's supposed to freeze tonight though

mind is looping
i hate that
breaking out now
still looping
not really breaking out
now my head is twitching
but the looping seems to have stopped

squeaky olympics

i ate spaghetti-o's and pickles (not together)
i wonder what they'd taste like together though
unfortunately i'm out of spaghetti-o's and pickles
or i would experiment
take a bite of spaghetti-o's and a bite of pickle
chew
hmmm....
i know pickles go well with wafer cream cookies
best with better pickles
ymmmmm....

i try to use make my journal as accurate an expression of me as possible
i try to censor as little of my life as possible
it is important
it is part of my statement
be ashamed of nothing
i know i don't embody that fully
there are things i'm ashamed of
i'm ashamed that i still pick my nose
that's something i've never mentioned in livejournal
and i am now
because this journal should be an expression of me
i try to use filters when posting things that might hurt somebody
i know there's a chance the person may see it anyway
but i can't break my statement
i must post how i'm feeling
where i am
it is a selfish act
i know this
but i feel compelled to do it anyway
i think that is why many people read my journal
because i don't hold much back
if i'm doing bad, i say i'm doing bad
if i just cut, i say i just cut
if i do cocaine, i say i did cocaine
i'm not trying to paint a bad or good picture
i'm trying to paint a real picture
i want the journal to be as pure as possible
and i know i've alienated and hurt people i love in the process
i know i've shot myself in the foot by saying too much at times
maybe i should change how i do things
maybe this journal is too much
maybe my statement is made already
maybe i should be less obsessed with letting go
releasing everything

I tried cocaine for the first time last night. A friend of mine gave me a line. I quite enjoyed myself. Euphoria is awsome. I doubt I'll have many oppertunities to do it again, as I am poor and can't afford it myself. But if I had money it would be something that I would do occasionally.

Poll #197525
Open to: All, results viewable to: All

Have you ever done ecstasy?

Have you ever done heroin?

Have you ever done cocaine?

Have you ever done crack?

Have you ever done absinthe?

Have you ever done shrooms?

Have you ever done ketamine?

Have you ever done opium?

I just realized why the Bush administration insists there is a link between drugs and terrorism:

Cocaine and many other drugs are white powders.

Anthrax is a white powder.

They must be related.