From the The Universal Household Assistant or What Every One Should Know (1884):

Household Hints. — Do not deposit wood ashes in a wooden vessel or upon a wooden floor.    Never use a light in examining a gas-meter.    Never take a light into a closet.    Never read in bed by candle or lamp light.    Never put kindling wood on top of the stove to dry.    Never leave clothes near a grate or fire-place to dry.    Be careful in making fire with shavings, and never user any kind of oil to kindle a fire.    Keep all lights as far from curtains as possible.    Always fill and trim your lamps by daylight, and never near a fire.    Good nice pie-crust can be made by always observing the following rule. One-quarter of a cup of shortening to every cup of flour used; to be mixed as dry as possible with cold water, and mixed only with a knife.    Take sweet butter only for baking purposes, and never fail to thoroughly beat together your butter and sugar, if you would be sure of good results in cake baking.    Have metal or earthen vessels for matches, and keep them out of reach of children. Wax matches are not safe.    Ground mustard mixing with a little water is an excellent agent for cleansing the hands after handling odorous substances.    Cut hot bread or cake with a hot knife, and it will not be clammy.    Salt extracts the juices of meat in cooking. Steaks ought therefore not be salted until they have been broiled.    In boiling dumplings of any kind, put them in the water one at a time. If they are put in together they will mix with each other.    Do not cut lamp-wicks, but trim them by wiping off with a scrap of paper.    Never boil vegetables with soup stock, for if you do it will certainly become sour in a short time.    Boil your cream for coffee, and see if the coffee will not taste better, as well as keep hot longer.    Pin-cushion covers made of cheese cloth embroidered and trimmed with lace, wear well and keep their looks.    Some one says that leaves of parsley, eaten with a little vinegar, will destroy the odor of breath tainted by onions.    Hot liquid lye is recommended for removing obstructions in waste pipes. Or let the potash dissolve over night in the pipes.    To wipe dust from papered walls, take a clean, soft piece of flannel. Of course it must not be damp, but the dry flannel will remove the dust.    Varnish the soles of your shoes, and it will render them impervious to dampness, and will also make them last longer. This is a good plan.    Clean the mica in stove doors with vinegar. Take clinkers out of stoves by putting a few oyster shells into the grate, when they will become loosened, and may be removed without injuring the lining.    Save the droppings from spermaceti candles, tie them in a cloth, and keep to smooth rough flat-irons.    Never starch napkins.    An old black bunting or cashmere dress may be made to serve a further period of usefulness by being made into a petticoat.    Between two evils choose neither.    Writing a will does not shorten life, and yet many men fear it will.    Save old suspender rings, and sew them on the corners of kitchen holders to hang them by. It will be easy then to flip them on to a nail, and they will not be so likely to get lost.    Powdered borax with a little sugar, blown into the cracks and crevices with a small bellows, will drive away house-ants.    Have a high stool in the kitchen to sit on when tired, to continue your work if necessary. Perched on its top you can wash dishes or iron with ease. A low stool placed on a wooden chair forms a substitute, but a poor one. A soft sheep-skin mat is restful to stand upon.    There is nothing better for cleaning brass or copper than coal ashes. They are also good to scour knives and forks with. For tin, whiting or fine sand is best.    To cleanse jars or jugs or any earthen vessel slaked lime is good, or warmed lye.    To keep a stove smooth, take a coarse and pretty large piece of flannel, roll it hard, and dip it in fine sand. Proceed to rub your stove whenever you are through cooking. Almost any stove will look better for being done the same way occasionally. Boiled starch is also very good to keep a stove looking well; put it on where it will not burn off — around the back and sides where it doesn't get very hot.

Three days with no caffeine. I've managed to stay relatively wakeful today, even with the oppressive heat. I see that I felt like I need caffeine a lot more than I actually needed caffeine. I don't think I've gone this long without caffeine since high school. Even in the madhouse they'd let us have real coffee in the morning. I doubted if I could do it, but the only real hurdle was that doubt. Yeah, I've had a bit of a headache the last few days, but I've gone through Geodon withdrawal - compared to that, this is a piece of cake.

gryffyn gave goldmourn and me a ride up to London, where I caught the bus back to Boston. In short order I screwed up boarding the bus and spilt my entire cup of coffee (a lot of it going on my skirt).

However, things seemed to go a bit better until we reached the border. Compared to the security personal at the Canadian border, the Americans are fascist assholes. Someone in front of me put his hands in his pocket while waiting for the border guard to confirm his identification, for which he received the threat: "WE'RE NOT PLAYING GAMES! DO YOU WANT TO GO TO JAIL RIGHT NOW?". His was hardly atypical treatment. Greyhound had scheduled 15 minutes to cross the border. However it took us over an hour to get through security, and there was no one ahead of us. The imagery reminded me more of the check points in the old Soviet Bloc rather than something I'd hope to expect from the United States. How times change.

Luckily the hold up at the border didn't cause me to miss my connection at Syracuse. Other than losing an inexpensive article of clothing, the rest of the trip went smoothly — I walked out of the bus station the exact moment purpleglitter was pulling into the parking lot.

-----

I didn't do my normal voice post updates during this trip, because the entire LiveJournal voice post system was down the entire trip.

goldmourn and gryffyn met me at the bus depot in London. A few stops for coffee and supplies, and I'm now arrived safely at goldmourn's apartment in Saint Thomas.

I woke up purpleglitter with coffee and egg and pepperjack cheese bagels. A little before 10:00, I went over to the house_of_clocks where I fed mazzycat and did my hour of reading. Then back to purpleglitter's to feed the birds. This is too easy. Next week will hopefully be more challenging.

I had a pretty good birthday yesterday. Mellow, laid back, and nice.

purpleglitter woke me up with coffee and breakfast. I heard frying and was very confused, as she usually doesn't cook. The faux sausage was very good, and it was a wonderful way to begin my birthday.

Later in the morning, I went with merryperseis to South Station, where she departed for kitsunekaboom's and spaglet's wedding (which is today, and I wish them a happy longtime together). On my way home, I ran into iamacliche in the pit talking to some guy named Bat. Me and iamacliche headed back to my place together where we listened to music and chatted. He left when my mom (myenergy) called.

zarthon took purpleglitter and me out to Grasshopper for my birthday dinner. I had never been there before. There are very few places where as a vegetarian I can order anything on the menu. The food was so impressive that even zarthon, a die-hard meat eater, left raving about it. The three of us headed back to purpleglitter's place and had Peachy Keens (peach juice & Southern Comfort).

I'm very thankful that I ended up in Massachusetts. If I had instead ended up in an AOT state, I'm sure that I would have been forced to keep taking psychiatric medication. I don't think I would have ever gotten to state I am at now if I were on Geodon or Thorazine or whatever other zombiefying medication they'd want to stuff down my throat. My mind needed to be opened, not closed. Even anti-depressants would have hindered the process I've gone through, as their effect is that of a dissociation from sadness. I needed to address the sadnesses, and not feeling them would have prevented me from doing that.

This process is not over. It will never be over. Every day is still challenging. Every day is still hard. But, the hope I have found shines through the difficulty. The brightness has always been there, I simply couldn't or wouldn't let it in. My shell has been cracked, and through those cracks the light now seeps through.

I'm still not ready to hold down a job. I still have to take things in my day to day life slowly. I need to make sure I do my meditational prayers in order to keep myself mindful throughout each day. I didn't keep mindful Saturday, and had a very bad time towards the evening until I went to sleep. I felt a bit Flowers for Algernon that night, but when I woke up Sunday morning I drank coffee and did my meditations. I was able to move back into the place. It is important that I do not lose the path again. The path I am to walk is path I must take, if for no other reason than there currently is no other path that I can take.

I may not ever be able to hold down a "real job" again; but if that is the way it is to be, it is the way is to be. I trust the winds. I am the way I need to be for me to do and see the things I need to do and see. Just as a whale is not able to see the expanse of the ocean from the sky, a gull is not able to see the depths of the whale's realm. Both experiences are gifts and neither the whale nor the gull is the less for what the other can see.

I had my first therapy appointment in almost a month. It went well, mostly catching up on the past several weeks. I'm in a much better place than the last time I saw my therapist. She was very glad to see the improvement. She will also be arranging for me to switch my primary care over to the Cambridge Health Alliance, however I will be seeing a nurse practitioner instead of a doctor. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but I will give it a try.

-----

Before I got on the bus, I stopped by Brooks Pharmacy. I saw a new product at the counter: Jolt Gum. I picked up a pack to try it.

-----

I caught the 77 and to my surprise there all the seats were upholstered. Soft, slightly fuzzy, and cushy. An MBTA bus with comfortable seats, who'd have thought it would come to pass. I have a feeling the bus was an anomaly, but it would be nice if it were a sign of the future.

-----

Back at home, I popped in a couple pieces of the Jolt Gum. Wow! Some of the caffeine absorbs sublingually, so it hits immediately. I started chewing about an hour ago and I'm still wired. I love this stuff. It's essentially chewing crack. Furthermore, it's cheaper than buying caffeinated beverages: the gum equivalent of 6 cups of coffee costs $1.30. I'm definitely getting more.

i feel much better
the twichies seem to have gone away for now
i'm getting better everyday
i'm very glad i didn't go into the hospital yesterday
they would have very much tried to get me to take my geodon
i feel like a new person
however, i feel like a new person who needs caffeine
time to make some coffee

I'm going to try to stay up all day as well so I don't want to mess up my sleep schedule. If I go to sleep now, I'll be all out of whack. Red bull, tea, and coffee are my friends.

i'm staying up all night so i can meet merryperseis at south station at 8:15. i feel like a zombie. i'm drinking lots of tea and coffee. to make matters more complicated, i only took half of my evening dose of geodon, because i ran out. i'm incredibly twitchy. i'm determined to make it until morning. staying up all night is something i want to do. it's been so long since i've done it. i don't know if i should be doing it without my full course of geodon, but that's what i appear to be doing.

i'm up later than i have been in quiet some time
my evening dose geodon usually puts me to sleep
but i took my morning dose late so i could take my evening dose late
i took my evening dose about a half hour ago
i'm drinking coffee in an attempt to stay up later
i want to stay up through neitherday tonight
it's my favorite time of day and i haven't been up for it in ages
far too long
i don't know if i'll make it
hopefully the coffee will keep me up

up early this morning
didn't get much sleep
went to bed around 3 woke up around 6
3 hours
but i haven't been able to get back to sleep
i could take some benzos
but i took enough ativan last night
i don't want to take too much
i don't want to get hooked
with the amount of benzos i'm given that is a real possibility
if i took all the klonopin and ativan i get i'd be a serious addict
i have enough benzos to comfortably sleep my life away
and sometimes i think that's just what they want me to do
won't be as much a bother that way

i should make some tea
i already had a cup of coffee
a cup of tea
maybe then take an ativan
for that all-out zombie effect
uppers and downers
eyes deep sorrow
time for a reboot

Just got back from therapy. I must say it's been the best session with her so far. I took 2mg of ativan (to calm me down) and drank a cup of coffee (to keep me awake) before the session, and I think the combination worked well.

We talked about many things, but our conversations centered on methods of stress management I use. I use a lot of them, including using the psych emergency room, going to purpleglitter or merryperseis, taking klonopin or ativan, smoking pot (which at first she was against, but saw my use as positive at the end of the session). and many other positive things I do..

We also talked about goals. One problem is that I'll come up with too many goals, try to achieve them all, and end up achieving nothing. The two most important health goals we agreed on were cutting out junk-food and not drinking to get drunk. The drinking part is pretty easy. The problem is with junk food. I'm completely addicted. I can't eat one chip, I must eat the whole bag. She suggested popsicles as an alternative for junk food. She said that many who have had a problem with cutting find the cold popsicle against the lips a very helpful sensation. I can't afford that many popsicles, but I'm going to get some. If I eat them as treats instead of always having one in my mouth, I should be able to afford it with the money I'll be saving off junk food. I'm going to get the sugar-free kind purpleglitter gets.

She also thinks that we should have more system discussions. Not necessarily with Cyndi, but we used to take walks and have conversations within the system. We'd usually use the voice, as that helped the conversation along. Sometimes the conversations would get quite heated, and people would stare at us, which i imagine looks quite like an insane woman arguing with herself, which is what it is. We haven't really been having those system conversations of late, and she thinks we should try them again. Maybe not this week, as we already decided upon the two goals for this week. But again. We were much stabler when we had the conversations regularly. Gets everyone on the same page. I don't know how to get one going, maybe we'll talk more about that next week.

I ended up being able to get a couple hours more sleep. Even after drinking the coffee. Good thing. Four hours is just not enough.

it's a new day
i woke up around 6am
very early for having gone to bed at 2am
only 4 hours of sleep
couldn't get back to sleep, so decided to go with being awake
having a nice cup of coffee right now
i have a feeling today will be a good day
sure, it will have it's bad moments
everyday does
but i believe it will be better than yesterday
i'm actually looking forward to it
it seems so odd to be looking forward to something after last night
but i am

Spent the night at mutehalo's birthday party. I had a pretty good time even though getting here was a bitch on the commuter rail. I have more respect for the trips mutehalo makes out to my house now that I have made the commute. mutehalo has been a wonderful host, and has already given me breakfast and coffee. I just wish I knew he had a pool before I came, I would have brought something to swim in.

I had decided to not smoke pot again starting today until after the lgbt pride march this Saturday. I made this decision to prove something to myself. However, what I've really proved to myself is I really like pot, a lot. It takes the edge off the day. It doesn't detract from my functionality, because I have virtually no functionality. I can barely take care of myself. So I'm going to smoke it today. Even if that is admitting that on some level I have a problem. I don't really care. But first I'm going to have a cup of coffee.