Walking back from Mass Convenience, I was accosted by a man who looked around 40 and seemed to be slightly inebriated yelling at me "You don't need a cane.". It is exactly attitudes like that that made me resist using a cane for so long. I realize that a good deal of the time I can walk perfectly fine without a cane. But during my episodes, which have been very frequent of late, it is very hard to walk and often very hard to simply stand. I have managed to stay off the ground a good many times because of my cane, and when I do end up on the ground the can helps me get back up. There are also many times where I am able to remain mobile with the help of the cane when without it I would be stuck. With balance and coordination so often issues, the cane has given me much more confidence when i go out, and I've been able to do a lot more since I've been using it. I DON"T WANT TO HAVE TO CARRY A CANE, BUT RIGHT NOW I DON"T SEE ANY OTHER CHOICE.

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I did manage to do some work on my new cane today, as the cracks in my old one are getting larger and it is only a matter of time before it snaps. I would like to stop using it BEFORE that happens, as I rather like it and would like to keep it around in one piece even if I no longer use it. I sawed off the excess length pealed off the easily removable bark. Most of the bark was not easily taken off, and I began sanding. I don't have enough sand paper to finish the job, and even after I pick some up the sanding will probably be several days work as I can only sustain a small periods of vigorous activity these days. There is some rot underneath the bark and I found a strange bug that I did not recognise under the bark that I was able to pry off, but that those things should not be surprising as the branch was lying on the soft earth by Spy Pond for who knows how long. But, it is sturdy and despite its flaws I still believe it will make a fine cane.

A couple days ago, I was at Mass Convenience. Behind the counter I saw a display of flavoured cigars for 50¢ each. I purchased the last chocolate one they had and put it in my pocketbook. This morning I was feeling quite panicky and twitchy, so I lit it up outside Walgreens. I know tobacco is bad, but I've found that it calms me down better and quicker than ativan or klonopin ever did. I smoke only occasionally, in fact it's been about two months since I had my last puff. I don't want to and can't afford to become addicted, but sometimes tobacco is a useful substance to self-medicate with and other times it's just nice to have a relaxing smoke.

The safety check went well. My pdoc was out so I saw her supervisor who was covering for her. I was a bit stressed out that it wasn't who I was used to. She asked me a couple routine questions, and I guess I answered them satisfactorily because here I am back at home.

I did collapse at a convenience store on the way home. But I was only on the ground for a couple minutes and no one called an ambulance, so all is well. I'm still a bit shaky, but doing better. I'm going to try to relax for the rest of the day.

Bebe got a job, so now she can start paying the money she owes on bills! She's going to be working behind the deli counter at the corner store.