This has been a wonderful and merry Christmas so far. purpleglitter got me wonderful gifts, including a new birding camera — the same model as the broken one, so that it will work with my telephoto lens.

My parents gave me a brass clock once owned by my great-grandfather. It's an old electric clock and wasn't made with the ability to start up on its own. A knob in the back must be spun just right so that it "catches", then the electric power will take over. The neat thing about the clock is that it will run backwards if the knob is spun backwards. I used to always set it running backward when I was a kid, and it is running backwards in my livingroom now.

Yeti, my parent's dog, died today. She was 15 years old. I remember her as a playful and scrappy young dog, but she hasn't been that way in a long time. She had a good doggie life and was well loved.

Good journey, Yeti.

I'm going to be landing in Saint Louis this Friday on a one-way airline ticket. It will be the first time my brother, my sister, my parents, and I will all be in the same place at the same time in over a decade. I'm looking very much forward to this.

Sunday, we will all be heading down for the day to Murphysboro, Illinois - where I was born - to see my family down there.

Sometime during my stay in Missouri I hope to see type_40.

I also want to find a way to get to Columbia, I haven't seen the town for a long while and I'd really like to meet up with ceruleanct11. However my tight budget and the infrequent bus schedule very well might thwart that endeavour.

I plan to go home via rail and/or bus, but that leg of the trip has not been fully set in place. I will definitely be stopping in Saint Thomas, Ontario on the way back to spend some time with goldmourn.

I'm also hoping to meet up with likeamermaid on my journey, but if that will occur is not certain as of yet.

While this isn't well planned out, I have a good feeling about it. I'm sure it will be an adventure at the very least.

My dad:

His surgery went fine and should be out in time to vote straight Republican. They are going to put the second stint in next Monday. Things are looking good and he appears very willing to give up cigarettes.

Me:

I do not have Behçet's disease (with about a 95% certainty). However, he was cautious about the" ulcerations" on my tongue and suggests that I get a biopsy after I get a teeth cleaning. He did not have a suggestion as to what they might be looking for with a biopsy. I've had the ulcerations on my tongue for as long as I can remember, the one dentist I asked said I must be biting my tongue in my sleep. I accepted that then, but now am questioning that assessment.

Of course, since the doctor I saw today is an Behçet's expert and outside my normal insurance it would make sense to attempt to find the care in-network. I'm not even sure if this is where I want to put my energy: if the weird tongue issues are not connected, I'd rather concentrate on the vertigo.

My dad has a stint put in tomorrow morning. I understand that there is not much risk to the procedure, but I still worry.

My father had a minor heart attack tonight. They're going to keep him at the hospital for observation for a couple days. He'll have to make diet and lifestyle changes, but the outlook at this point seems good.

I went to the Casino St. Charles with my parents last night. Went with $20, left with none. I don't plan to do any more gambling, as that was my loss limit. I don't think I could head out here without hitting the boat though. Both my parents, however, left with more then they went with.

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This morning, my mom and I went yard saling, where I spent $2 at one of them and got 2 belts, some candles, and 4 bottles of Selson Blue. I don't know why a yard sale had Selson Blue, but they did and they were cheep. I've very excited about the belts as well, as they will go with some of my more edgy outfits.

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I've been spending a good amount of time with Jonas. He a little sponge for information, taking in and learning everything he can. It's amazing to watch him, as I haven't really spent this much time around kids his age since I was a kid myself. So far, I'm very glad I've taken this trip.

I just realized something by looking at my last two posts. There is a time I feel safe outside: during a downpour. Rain somehow takes my fear away temporarily. Maybe it's because I've always been safe in the rain. I grew up in a situation where rain meant prosperity and happiness. My parents got along and generally happiness ensued. Drought brought fighting parents and less money. I still have such strong positive associations with the rain, that it overpowers my otherwise timid nature. I will jump and play in the rain. It's odd.

Something else that stands out is that years ago, when I was in much more danger outside, I didn't have the same level of fear. It's almost as if I'm a horse who's finally been broken and now knows her place. I don't want to know my place. I don't want to be a broken horse. I need to break out of this trap, before I spend the rest of my life in it. I know that many non-queer and non-trans folk end up with the same sort of agoraphobic response to the world, and for similar reasons. But, with all the talk about not living in fear of terrorist, about how doing so lets them win, I can't help but think that those that broke me were essentially terrorists. Just of a different breed. There is still a systematic effort to instill fear into the population, not by foreigners, but by the good-olde-boy network right here. By allowing my actions to be dictated by that fear, I am letting them win. That is something I need to change.

again, i have found myself unable to write
again, i will break the spell with a stream of consciousness post
so if you dislike stream of consciousness posts you can quit now

i got back from missouri on sunday
i had a wonderful trip
saw family and friends i haven't seen in a long time
and got to meet my nephew jonas
he's so happy and loves to bounce
spending time with him convinced me that when i'm better i want to try to adopt a kid
i'm very happy for my brother and heather


photo by myenergy

i've noticed i've been taking more ativans lately
i don't like this
it's a very addictive drug
but my general mental state has been on a slight downward slope
my therapist is talking about my "thought disorder" again
she asked me if i got stuck in loops sometimes
and i do
she said that was a thought disorder symptom
scary, but could explain a lot of things
i want to do more research about this
and find out what can be done
i'm not entirely thrilled about my therapist's suggestion
she wants me to make an earlier appointment with my pdoc
and see if i can get her to up my geodon
i don't want more geodon
but if it will help i can accept that
the painful looping has gotten pretty bad lately
and if more geodon will make it go away then i'll take more
but i'm already on so much
how much more can i take?

on a brighter note,
purpleglitter and i went to mount auburn cemetery today
the fall colours were spectacular
we arrived late, so only got to stay a short while
(they close at 5)
but we had a great time and took many piccies
following is one i took



i'm starting to feel a bit twitchy right now
a sense of panic is building
i don't like it
ah, it's passing
sometimes it takes hours to pass
sometimes i just take benzos until i go to sleep
but this time it passed quickly
and i'm happy about that

i'm not used to staying up this late
i have been going to bed quite early lately
and i have to be up early tomorrow
so i should be getting to bed
so good night
and hopefully i'll be able to get myself back on a regular posting schedule

I'm having a good time in Missouri. Got to play with my baby nephew Jonas. He's such a doll. He loves to play with toys that spin. He spent the night here at my parents house last night. I hope to see more of him while I'm here.

I also saw met my brother's girlfriend. She's really cool. I'm happy he's found such a good person.

Though I've had a good time there have been issues. I've been more panic attacks than normal, and therefore have been taking more ativan than normal. I also lost my purse on the trip here with $140 in it. That really sucked. Next time I travel I'm getting traveler's checks.

I arrived safely in Missouri this afternoon. Been spending time with my parents. My brother and my little nephew are coming over later. I'll post more as time is available.

While the doc says that I'll probably still be leaving tomorrow, they are considering keeping me all winter, and if I come back here again in the near future, I will probably end up spending the winter here.

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More results have come back on my blood work. I am deficient in vitamin b₁₂. Quite deficient. They are going to give me a b₁₂ shot later today. My dad says b₁₂ shots are very good and give you lots of energy for weeks, so I'm looking forward to my shot and to getting out tomorrow.

posted by merryperseis

My sister told me the same story about the music that my dad told me. Someone in the body used to play wonderful music when we were younger. She told me that it was very beautiful. She also told me that some of the music used to scare her. Still very well played, but angry and intense. Emotions. Playing emotions. That's what I do now. Odd how the strings in this patchwork are sewn.

Yesterday morning went fine, but we had had our first therapy appointment with our new therapist in the afternoon. Very switchy for that. After the therapy session, I had to fill out a questionnaire that was quite triggery. Didn't like it at all. Too many questions about things I'd rather not be answering questions about.

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After we got home, quite jittery and switchy still, I talked to my dad on the phone. I had thought my previous piano experience was limited muddling through 2 years of piano lessons, never really becoming very skilled. However, he told me that I used to play quite a bit. And that I, we, or whoever, used to have "emotional fits" on the piano that came out as music. Good, intense music. I don't remember that at all. It's very disconcerting to not remember something so obviously important. It was back then though, and everything was much less stable then. Now, I don't know what to think of my music. I don't know how to view it or where it's going or where it's from. Everyday there seems to be more revelations. There is so much that I don't know. So much. So much.

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Spent the night at purpleglitter's apartment last night. I was really grumpy when I got there, because I got lost and my feet hurt a lot. But, I ended up having a very good, mellow time. Just what I needed after the whirlwind. I will be definitely going back in the not-to-distant future.

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Thanks to the efforts of pillowkisser, the heat is working now in the house_of_clocks. However, a new problem has developed: a leak in the upstairs bathroom.

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Tonight, I'm going to get quietly drunk.

I went to the therapy intake this morning. It went very well. I have a therapist I'm going to start seeing on a weekly basis. Finally, it seems I'm going to get the psych care I need.

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After the intake, purpleglitter drove me to pick up the keyboard my parents got me. Music. Music. Music. I'm going to play my soul.

The partial program went very well up until the end, today. We had a CBT group, which is something I still want to get into a program for. In the next group we discussed stigma. A normal topic I've been in many group discussions of, but this one took on a much more interesting slant. I like interesting slants.

We also had a discussion in yet another group about the benefits of marijuana. The facilitator was notably unenthusiastic, but me and another patient presenting the same side of the debate ran circles around her. We talked about marijuana being not physically addictive versus alcohol and several physically addictive psych meds. We brought up the fact that many people quit drinking by starting smoking marijuana. Mentioned that something that can help many of us, and has a minimal effect on the body, can't be such a bad thing. That self-medicating is often needed when psych meds fail. The facilitator was hard pressed to come up with anything more than "That's okay, but I don't recommend using marijuana.".

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With how well things were going, I was surprised to find myself at the end of the partial program on the floor scared and shaking and disorientated. The staff people were offering to take me to the psych emergency room, and asked me a lot of questions. I told them I'd be able to make it home, and that Harriette was meeting me there, so they let me go.

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I arrived home at 4:15pm and Harriette arrived shortly thereafter. We had tea and discussed the partial program, how to get me to my intake, nihilism, reincarnation, and ontological wonder sickness. Harriette is a fabulous case worker. I look forward to her visits.

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I got a package from my parents, which contained presents for purpleglitter and me. myenergy told me I could go ahead and open mine. They got me a scarf and an electric toothbrush and a bunch of chocolates. The scarf in particular is wonderful. It's very soft and I've never seen a scarf so wide. I love it. I will be very warm this winter.

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Someone poured Comet all over the dishes in the sink. I asked merryperseis, and she didn't know anything about it. That leaves only the floaters. Mischievous alters can be so disconcerting. I guess I'm going to have to clean that mess up.