purpleglitter and I got legally married Saturday. We intentionally kept this under the radar and had with us the bare minimum of people required, we didn't want anything big, over the top, or stressful. We stood together on the shore of Spy Pond, under a willow tree, in the darkest corner of the garden. We could hear the fish splashing as we said our vows.

I am tied to you, my favorite piece of string. The seas may boil and the mountains may fall to dust and the stars may dim and die. But to you, my favorite piece of string, I shall be tied forever. And after forever has come and gone, forever again I shall love you.

Sol, lifebringer and lightgiver, our star, the one which holds us tight and keeps at bay the outer darkness. Sol, thank you. Your winds dance in our sky and your breath allows our existence. There is nothing more powerful, nothing greater, nothing more brilliant or amazing in this system than Sol. While there may be bigger things out there, that effect our existence here and now than does Sol. While today we may look to Sol, truly everyday is Sol's day, for without Sol there are no days.

waiting in the dark for sleep to find me
i hear them
i hear them talk
they talk not to me
they just talk
they seem so familiar
and yet i do not know them
they are all around me
and yet i do not see them
perhaps they are manifestations of a new and slow creeping madness
or perhaps they are but fore-echoes of dream
i do not know

i fear spending the rest my years sitting in a corner mumbling nonsense to myself
or drugged out of my mind — a drooling vacant zombie
for now, let them be dreams

I must keep from retreading the old paths. Right now is not a good place in my head. I feel purposeless. I know that this shall pass. I will emerge from this again as before. Perhaps stronger, perhaps wiser, at the very least different. I have learned much in the last years, and know not to fear the dark places. It isn't easy, but why should it be?

light
darling, i see the light
i have swam in the light
but i know the darkness too
i am neither angel nor demon and both at the same time
i look through the fury
and try to keep balance
sometimes i fall, but i still stand

I fell into a deep depression last night. I did what I often do when I spiral into a deep depression: pour myself a sizable drink and simply fail to drink any more than a few sips of it. It's a waste of perfectly good alcohol, but at least it means I'm unlikely to become an alcoholic.

I talked to goldmourn on the phone a little past midnight, and that cheered me up a bit. I was still on the depressed side of things, but not in the dark pit I had been before the call. I can't wait to visit her up in Ontario at the end of next month. Judging from the pictures she posts in her journal, the area she lives in is amazingly beautiful with plenty of woods and trail for walking.

when one looks into the heart of madness
the soul of the beast
when one looks
truly looks
and not just spies upon the shadows of the wretched
when one looks into the madness
and sees what is there
when one sees the darkness bright
one cannot help but become mad

in time, you can learn to live in their world
in time, you can adapt.
you can fake it
but you will always know
deep inside
that their world
is not your world

I'm feeling much better than I was earlier. I still go to the dark places, I imagine that I always will. And that is okay. The difference now is that I don't tend to dwell in those places. I understand that the dark places have a purpose, but I do not wish to be trapped there.

In the past, I would get stuck in those depths for days or months or years because all I can see while I am in those places is the darkness. But I have found the key. The key is that I do not look for the out, I do not try to find the right path. Instead, I repeat the mantra "keep moving" and I just keep moving. Eventually I walk past the edge of the shadows. The path isn't what matters, what matters is that I don't stay where I am. That I don't stagnate.

----

The hour grows late and the dream world awaits me. I must retire to bed. I learned long ago that if you don't visit the dream world, the dream world visits you.

i am in the dark places now
split apart from where i feel is what i know
i know these dark places are not all there is
but i feel now that i shall not see beyond
farther down, i know none of this is real
but it is there still
and there is nothing else

i must learn to see the always beauty
even if it is always hollow
i must learn to merge what i know with what i feel
even if neither are true
i must accept that the universe is infinite in wonder and bliss
and infinite in darkness and despair

there is nothing good nor bad
there is nothing wrong nor right
there is just experience
forever and always
never ending and never beginning

to wander below stars
and try reach them
some day to be them
they are where we're from
and where we're going to

nothing more is here than was here before
and nothing less
it never changes and never stays the same

again i meet the riddle here
the truth which is the lie
forget this all as nonsense
muttered by the mad
i cannot tell you where this is
but only that i will never leave

do you think you are so fucking holy that you can leave this place?
do you think you are any less trapped here than everyone else?
there is no way out
there is no escape
because you cannot escape that which you are
and you are this place
you are you and you are the trap
there is no way out
death will not free you
enlightenment will not free you
god will not free you
nothing will free you
you cannot be freed
the most we can do is try to make the best of this place we are all trapped in
because we are going to be here forever
and forever, as they say, is a very long time

i am worried
i am worried that i won't be able to stay above the waves
i am worried that i will be sucked back down
i do not want to go back to where i've been
i do not want to return to those roads
but i often feel the darkness closing in
there is much i am keeping inside right now
and telling no one at all
the world does not feel real
i am far behind the window eyes
i look out the window
and i hear the winds
the same winds that are always there
i do not know where i am going
but i do know that in the end the winds will come for me
i ask, what i am here for?
my eyes look upon what is before them
i note the what is right before i forget it
the demons are still with me
i do not think they will ever leave
i walk through the mud
and reach for the sky
i cannot take in these things
i am not a great person
i cannot make long sense of what is here
only in passing does it match
every angle changes
forever
no paradigm can stick
flux
change
eternally
nothing constant
i wander still here
i walk still here
i forget still here
what is coming must soon come to pass
i have trouble staying in the body now
more and more
i leave it behind
i am not going mad
i never left mad
soon the sky will be yellow and the grass blue
for reality never was where i am
adrift in a sea of dreams
always forgetting where i am
and never find the shore

here that?
it is the winds
strike the ground
and let what will be come to pass
and let that which never was fade away

where is this going
some seek escape from this trap
some seek to find its beauty
some seek to define it
some seek to hold mastery over it
but the darkness will come
the creeping empty consumes all

brightness dark
darkness bright
contradictions here
the nothing that is the everything
there is no truth, only lies

speak that which cannot be spoken
and riddle will be broken

I saw my neurologist today. I though I was prepared this.

Half of the EEG session could not be read, and nothing was identified in the half of the EEG data that was interpretable. There will be no more tests. No one knows what the fuck is going on, and it is likely no one will ever know. Time to start living my life with the assumption that the current episode trend will continue indefinitely, because I have absolutely no reason to believe otherwise. At least this frees me from having to worry about the long term, because there probably won't be one for me. While that thought may be a bit depressing to me at this moment, I know that it is actually a good thing. It's a licence not to care what happens to me. I can cast off the ropes that bind me to this world. Let me look with this new sight and see the darkness bright.