dicotomygrrl took me to see Donnie Darko last night in Coolage Corner. I'd never seen it before.

( spoilers )

My therapist this afternoon told me that she though Kundalini Syndrome was a reasonably likely explanation for what I have been experiencing. I was surprised by that, because I still harbour my own doubts. I am very lucky to have a therapist who does not dismiss such ideas outright as delusional, as many would. While her dismissing the idea of Kundalini Syndrome would not have caused me to doubt it anymore, her accepting it makes me give the idea more credence.

My therapist still thinks that I could use some medication to help me with the negative psychological effects of my episodes, such as depression. I told her that I will absolutely not accept anything that would cloud my mind and therefore prolong the journey. She wants me to meet with her and the prescribing nurse together. Antidepressants seem to be what will most likely be on the table. It is true that antidepressants do put me into a zombie fog, but I have never known them to relieve my depression. And even if they did, if this is Kundalini Syndrome I want to get through it, I do not simply want to manage symptoms. Any depressive episodes that I have may very well be there for a reason. They may be an important part of the process. While I have not at this time ruled out the possibility of going back on antidepressant or antianxiety medication, I am highly dubious of doing so and an extremely strong case would need to be put forth in order to get me to try any psych meds again.

It appears that while my grandma is physically okay, she isn't doing so well mentally. According her MRI this stroke didn't damage any part of her brain that the last one had damaged already. However, after this stroke her speech has become nonsensical. She says things like "There goes my legs out the window again" and is convinced that yesterday she got pregnant and today she gave birth to a son. I don't know if the stroke directly caused this or if she's had some sort of psychotic break brought on by the stress of it all.

not quite over
still very twitchy
and having scary panic effects too
i was lying in bed
i couldn't move
i was scared they were going to come get me
i don't know who
just that there was something evil in the room
and i couldn't move
didn't like that feeling

Had a therapy appointment and a pdoc appointment today. Both went well. My therapist told me that when I thought they wouldn't let me on the bus because I was an elephant 8 years ago, I was psychotic. Also the voice 10 years ago telling me to go north was also a symptom of a "thought disorder". However, she did say that my more recent confusions of dreaming and waking are probably due to my SSRI rather than a psychosis. I haven't had any true symptom of psychosis in a long time.

My pdoc said that the way I felt when I didn't have any geodon was how I am without medication. She was adamant that it was not withdrawal. She said the reason it seemed worse is that I'm not used to being like that anymore, so it's an adjustment to go back to it. If that is me without Geodon, I can fully understand my suicide attempts.

i'm not in a total rut
i did write a poem today
i haven't done that in a while
a long time
it is quite an accomplishment
lately, i've been just revising old poems
but wrote one from scratch
i'm less pessimistic now that i was earlier
i believe things will work out
i believe i will move forward and become a more active and functional person
i believe the housing situation will work out
i believe everything will end up for the best
i may be highly delusional right now
but why shouldn't i be
it feels better this way

Just had a visit from Mrs. Richardson, our landlady. We signed the new lease and she gave us the interest from our deposit (a much needed $25). Her husband just recently died. She's had a lot of deaths in her family lately. I gave her a wish pod for good luck. She's a little senile. She said we were her best tenants, and that she tells everyone how long we've been living in her buildings - "over ten years now". Ten years ago we were in high school in Missouri. I'm not going to correct her, if she wants to believe that then let her. We hugged when she left. She's a wonderful person, but she doesn't keep up her buildings very well.

I had the strangest dream last night, well, actually during the day. I dreamt that I was in the children's ward of a mental hospital. I was very confused and tried to get out. The nurse told me I'd been there for quite some time. Apparently I was 12, biologically female and the year was 1974 (the year I was born) and I had hallucinated the rest of my life. I would have to stay. My sister had a kid that I didn't know about because I'd been out of it for so long. I didn't want to believe it, but they kept showing me all these records. It was all so realistic that it took me a few minutes after I woke up to convince myself that I didn't just slide back into my delusional world.