I sincerely doubt that any chemist, psychiatrist, or dope peddler could find a more effective antidepressant than a good cigar.

What the fuck?

As part of the current pattern of actions, this is quite alarming — it demonstrates that SUP/LJ now actively and openly disapproves of and targets specific groups.

I'm cold, depressed, and worthless. Empty. I've been poking around the computer for hours, not getting anything productive done. I haven't actually done anything productive in days. There is a lot I need to do, I just don't know if I care right now. I think I'll go to bed.

The more I think about it, the more I know Rob killed himself. Over the past couple years, I've found myself repeatedly looking at his last entry, trying to make sense of it. Or perhaps, trying to avoid making sense of it. He rode his bike off that cliff intentionally. He felt dead when he was alive. He wanted to be alive, and thought death was the only way to accomplish that. I hope he found what he was looking for.

I miss him.

swiped from dan4th:

another year I thought that the version of PhotoShop that came with Orac (the name I have given to the used computer purpleglitter recently bought me) was the scaled down version, unlike the professional version on Clementine. I woke up well this morning and was hoping for a very productive Project Schedule. Skye is egg bound with a soft shell egg. sometimes the only thing that makes death unappealing is that I do not believe it ends existence. dan4th took a couple pictures of me in the sunlight last weekend. Take also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentils, and millet, and spelt, and put them in one vessel, and make bread of it. I thought that I could not be any more disgusted by the Bush administration, but his response to the Israeli assault on Lebanon has proved me wrong. I've improved some of my old userpics. I had a great time this evening celebrating purpleglitter's birthday with zarthon, recoiling, and of course purpleglitter. The paste of purity has run its course and I have scrubbed it off the wall of corruption. Yesterday, President Bush told Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, "This business about graceful exit just simply has no realism to it at all."

i'm going to disappear slowly from everything
untangling the web
so that i might fly free without disturbing that which i hold dear

I must keep from retreading the old paths. Right now is not a good place in my head. I feel purposeless. I know that this shall pass. I will emerge from this again as before. Perhaps stronger, perhaps wiser, at the very least different. I have learned much in the last years, and know not to fear the dark places. It isn't easy, but why should it be?

For breakfast I had grilled cheese (muenster on Ezekiel 4:9) with half a pickle, for lunch I had rotini in tomatoe sauce with parmesan cheese, for dinner I had a veggie burger with fries, I had no healthy snack. I did get in my exercise quota for the day with my walks. In the early evening, my mood dipped down pretty low and I binged on greasy popcorn and chips and salsa.

Low moods often spell trouble for Project Three Meals, because when I'm in a low mood I often cease to care about Project Three Meals and sometimes even sabotage the project on purpose as a form of "self-destruction". This form of self destruction is very minor compared to some of the things I have done in the past. Perhaps having this self-destructive outlet actually helps keep me away from the more damaging self-destructive behaviours, being relatively innocuous outlet for those urges. My failures may actually be improvements.

Mental "disorders" I have been "diagnosed" with over the years by either close friends, close family, or mental health professionals (bold indicates a mental health professional provided the diagnosis, italics indicate more than one person has given me the diagnosis):

Anorexia Nervosa Attention Deficit Disorder Autism Bipolar Disorder Body Dysmorphic Disorder Borderline Personality Disorder Bulimia Nervosa Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified Dissociative Identity Disorder Fictitious Disorder Gender Identity Disorder Major Depression - Recurrent Narcissistic Personality Disorder Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Panic Disorder Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Psychosis Not Otherwise Specified Schizophrenia Social Anxiety Disorder

I fell into a deep depression last night. I did what I often do when I spiral into a deep depression: pour myself a sizable drink and simply fail to drink any more than a few sips of it. It's a waste of perfectly good alcohol, but at least it means I'm unlikely to become an alcoholic.

I talked to goldmourn on the phone a little past midnight, and that cheered me up a bit. I was still on the depressed side of things, but not in the dark pit I had been before the call. I can't wait to visit her up in Ontario at the end of next month. Judging from the pictures she posts in her journal, the area she lives in is amazingly beautiful with plenty of woods and trail for walking.

I canceled my therapy session for today. I'm in one of those moods where I feel the whole thing is pointless. Today got off to a really shitty start and I don't know if I'm going to be able to salvage my mood and dealing with therapy is unlikely to help in that endeavour.

I've been in a sour mood lately
I'm fighting the demon eyes.
The demon eyes are too easy to retreat into into and so hard to take off.
I do not like the demon eyes
I do not like myself when I wear them.
I must work on not
I must find my center again.

the days are long now
i still drift among the lost
wander still

if i trusted psych people at this point
i might consider checking myself in to a psych ward
i'm doing that badly in my head lately
it is time for me to refocus
to work on bringing myself back to balance
i've lost touch with the big picture
and when that happens i am lost
mindfulness is hard to keep
and i need to go back to that mindspace

I missed the bus

I missed therapy

there are strange arcs with boxes in trianges flickering in rainbow colours in the right side of my field of vision

i purged yesterday

i don't really care

My inner circle has drawn tighter lately. My outlook has grown a bit darker and I've become more secretive online and off. I've really not been feeling that outwardly social and have been avoidant. Recent events have further entrenched that mindset.

I'm trying to expand that circle again. Slowly, at first. I met dan4th for breakfast at the Arlington Diner yesterday, who I have long considered a good friend but haven't seen much of as late. I want to make it a point to start attending his game nights, talking to more people, and getting out of my own head. I can't go on like this, so I need to change. Adapt or die.

I'm feeling much better than I was earlier. I still go to the dark places, I imagine that I always will. And that is okay. The difference now is that I don't tend to dwell in those places. I understand that the dark places have a purpose, but I do not wish to be trapped there.

In the past, I would get stuck in those depths for days or months or years because all I can see while I am in those places is the darkness. But I have found the key. The key is that I do not look for the out, I do not try to find the right path. Instead, I repeat the mantra "keep moving" and I just keep moving. Eventually I walk past the edge of the shadows. The path isn't what matters, what matters is that I don't stay where I am. That I don't stagnate.

----

The hour grows late and the dream world awaits me. I must retire to bed. I learned long ago that if you don't visit the dream world, the dream world visits you.

i am in a dark place tonight
i do not like this place
i am a big mean evil nasty bitch
i don't like me right now
i'm moody and irritable
quick tempered
i need to calm down
get a grip
ground and center
but i cannot find me
and if i cannot find me i cannot center me
i drift away
not in my body
not in my mind
outside of my own existence
but still a part of it
i wander always
tomorrow i'll be somewhere else

When I get overwhelmed by the "hardships" in my life, I need to be mindful that on the whole I've got it pretty damn good. Simply being born a United States citizen in this age and time is having it pretty damn good compared with much of the world. I'm pretty damn lucky.

It is all too easy to get caught up in daily trappings of my life an mind. Too easy to look at what is wrong instead of what is well. This doesn't mean that I should never be depressed or upset, it just means it is important to take care to keep things in perspective.

This is simple concept that is plainly true. There is little effort in knowing these simple truths, the effort is in being mindful of them.

The thunderstorm feels perfect right now.

sometimes the only thing that makes death unappealing is that I do not believe it ends existence.