If you use X to insult someone, you aren't just insulting that person — you are insulting X. You are saying that X is something worthy of being insulted. It doesn't matter if you think they are a horrible person. If you don't think that X is something horrible about them, then insult the reasons you do think they are horrible.

I've seen far too many homophobic, racist, misogynistic, misandristic, transphobic, sizeist, anti-disabled and anti-semitic slurs "justified" by assertions that person being insulted doesn't personally deserve respect or that they fit some bad stereotype. Use something as an insult and you are saying that it is something worth of admonishment. Your words can say a lot more about what you think than you intend them to.

Gliese 581c brings up the tidal lock issue: if Gliese 581c is tidally locked to Gliese 581 then one side of the planet would be scorched while the other would be frozen, rendering the planet uninhabitable for water-dependant life. Most of the planets detected so far (including Gliese 581c) have been only detected through indirect measurements of their mass, we no nothing of the structure of that mass. It is possible at least some of these are double planets. Though perhaps unlikely — if Gliese 581c is a double planet, both planets might be tidally lock to each other instead of the star similar to the situation in Asimov's Nemesis, allowing for liquid water and possibly water-dependant life.

The possibility of life on Gliese 581c brings up something that has been a bit of a minor mental obsession of mine: life that has evolved vision is likely to evolve vision keyed to the spectra of light it most often encounters. Life evolving around a red dwarf would not likely see the same spectra of light we see. Blue would be of little use and their visual range would probably be shifted into the infrared. Something printed red-on-white or blue-on-black in our eyes might simply look like a blank page to such a life form and their chosen inks may be only visible in the near-infrared and be invisible to us. Perceptual differences such as that would serve to further complicate communications with intelligent extraterrestrial life. It is easy to assume our perception of light and sound and smell and feel is the default, because within humanity we consider anything outside of that default a disorder. Our bias is sample bias, and other intelligent life in the universe is likely to perceive things in vastly different ways than we can even imagine.

Based on the lj interests lists of those who share my more unusual interests, the interests suggestion meme thinks I might be interested in

#	Interest	Score	Google it
1	kappa delta	16	huh?
2	ta kala diokomen	12	huh?
3	ssi	11	huh?
4	disability	10	huh?
5	michelle tea	10	huh?
6	kd	8	huh?
7	energy work	8	huh?
8	tones on tail	8	huh?
9	danielle dax	7	huh?
10	jean genet	6	huh?
11	ada	6	huh?
12	social security	6	huh?
13	antidepressants	6	huh?
14	iszoloscope	6	huh?
15	chronic pain	6	huh?
16	tear garden	6	huh?
17	pharmaceuticals	6	huh?
18	joel peter witkin	6	huh?
19	max ernst	6	huh?
20	gavin friday	6	huh?

Type your username here to find out what interests it suggests for you. Popularity Ceiling: (Please be patient!)

changed by ouwiyaru based on code by ixwin
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I haven't really talked about how I've been doing lately. The "episodes" have been on an upswing. I have spent the majority of today immobile. This has not been an uncommon day. I don't like this eating into my life. On days I can, going for my walks is an act of defiance. I want to get back to being productive and perhaps be on the road to getting a job again. I am mentally ready to go back to work, but it is not a realistic option as long as I have these cycles.

However, I am making some progress on figuring the problem out. I was previously unaware that "vertigo" has a specific medical definition. The term is much more specific and I believe better suited than "dizzy" for the spells I've been having. More specifically, I am suffering bouts of central vertigo, as it often is accompanied by blurred vision, loss of fine motor control, sensory distortions, slurred speech, and ataxia. The question still remains as to what is causing it.

I have found two candidate conditions: multiple sclerosis and Behçet's disease. Of course there is a good chance that it is neither, but they do give me a direction to go in when I try to get this issue checked out again. I'm going to make an appointment with my primary care nurse (who I think is a bit of a quack) and see if she can set me up again with a neurologist or someone who can properly look into my symptoms. I'm getting quite tired of this.

In therapy yesterday, we discussed why I want to get off disability and back into the job market. I hadn't really thought that much on the question other than that I wanted to.

The reason I want a job is not because I feel guilty in some way for not having one. I don't feel guilty. First, it's only recently that I've been doing well enough to realistically consider getting one. Second, it's not like any job I'm likely to go into is going to make the world a better place or let me do my part or any such crap. Most likely, if I go back into databases, I'm be schlepping code to fill some corporate coffers. The likelihood of landing another non-profit gig isn't terribly high.

The reason is not that I'd simply like to have more money either. Sure it would be nice to not have to count pennies so much, to not worry about how I'm going to pay for rent and oil. But, I'm getting by. Anything else is gravy. Gravy is nice, but not necessary.

The reason is autonomy. I don't want to be beholden to the government for my check. And while I am grateful for those friends who have helped me out when I've been in tight spots, I do not want to be beholden to them for support either. I want to control my own life, and in this hyperquasicapitalist dollar-worshiping society that means holding my own purse strings to as much of an extent as possible. I want to control my income because even if they hold their power benignly, I want to lessen the power others hold over me.

Based on the lj interests lists of those who share my more unusual interests, the interests suggestion meme thinks I might be interested in:

#	Interest	Score	Google it
1	kappa delta	16	huh?
2	ta kala diokomen	12	huh?
3	ssi	11	huh?
4	disability	10	huh?
5	tones on tail	8	huh?
6	chronic pain	8	huh?
7	transitioning	8	huh?
8	kd	8	huh?
9	tear garden	6	huh?
10	pharmaceuticals	6	huh?
11	lycia	6	huh?
12	shadow project	6	huh?
13	specimen	6	huh?
14	dennis cooper	6	huh?
15	cranes	6	huh?
16	march violets	6	huh?
17	mephisto walz	6	huh?
18	in the nursery	6	huh?
19	dennis kucinich	6	huh?
20	4ad	6	huh?

Type your username here to find out what interests it suggests for you.
Popularity Ceiling: (Please be patient!)

changed by ouwiyaru based on code by ixwin
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I have a checking account. It's been almost a year without an account. I chose Citizen's Bank, because the cashiers were always nice and helpful when I came in to cash my SSDI check. Other banks would consistently give me grief. It feels odd. First a cell phone (temporarily out of commission), now a bank account. I feel all modern-aged.

I left Missouri in February, 1994. I had been living in my car in Columbia, and suddenly I realized "I'm living in my car, why the fuck am I still in Missouri?". My first stop was Terra Haute, Indiana. I had almost gone to college there and wanted to see what my life would have been like if I had.

The only night I spent there, I met Andrea at a coffee house. Andrea was 29 years old and on SSI. Her mother had power of attorney and controlled her finances. The night I met her in that nameless coffee shop, she asked me "Do you want to go to Boston?". I had been planning to make my way down to New Orleans for Mardi Gras, but I figured what the hell and replied, "Yes".

The biggest problem with our trip was financing. I had little in the way of funds and Andrea couldn't access hers without her mother's permission. Her mom would never consent to a haphazardly planned trip across the country, so we came up with a plan. I met her mom, and Andrea told her that I was a nice Jewish girl that wanted to go tour the Jewish History museums on the east coast. I did as little talking as possible, worrying that my voice could give me away. To my amazement, her mother bought the story and gave her $650. We left.

At this point the plan was to go to Boston, then head up through Canada and then down the west coast. It was an ambitious plan in a 12 year old 1982 Buick LeSaber. But, I had nothing to lose, so what the hell?

Our first stop was Indianapolis. Nothing very interesting happened there. In fact, we were pretty much bored to tears. Neither of us knowing anyone or even a good place to start looking for interesting people lead to us pretty much not doing much.

Next stop was Cincinnati. Apart from almost getting killed a couple of times, it was about as interesting as Indianapolis. We decided to make the rest of the trip to Boston in one go.

Unfortunately, we didn't make it all the way to Boston as easily as we had hoped. My car broke down in Pennsylvania crossing the Appalachians. We were near the top of a nameless mountain, and pushed the car down to some nameless town. There was a mechanic in that town who was very kind and noted the low-cash situation we were in. He offered to replace the coolant system thermostat for just the cost of parts, which was $40.

We spent the night in the town, then headed on our way. By the time we got to Boston, the car was having problems again. It would only go so far before it overheated, but we completed the trip.

One of the first things I saw upon arriving to Boston was a homeless man being chased out of a Dunkin' Donuts with a broom. I took that as a bad omen.

To save money on parking, we decided to park the car in the outskirts of town where it would be easier to find a spot. Instead, we ended up spending the first night in Roxbury as the car refused to travel only a mile or so at a go. The second night, we stayed on the floor of a ratty apartment of some slight creepy guys Andrea had just met. The third night, we stayed in one of the back alleys of Central Square.

By this time, I was ready to leave Boston. Andrea had just wasted around $60 on new boots while I was struggling to deal with the parking situation. I was very worried that I might lose my car. I told her that I was leaving Boston and she had two choices: come with me or get her stuff out of my car. She refused to do either, so I ended up leaving Boston with a good deal of her stuff.

My car was doing quite badly at this point, and could not go over 40mph. I got pulled over on the Mass Pike around Framingham for going too slow and was told to take another route. I took Route 9 from that point to Northampton. The cooling system was acting up during the trip as well, and I had to make frequent stops. I ended up spending the night on the side of the road somewhere along Route 9 in Central Massachusetts.

After waking up, I noted I needed gas. I had a black cloth skirt on with a black button down shirt with a high collar. I hadn't had access to bathroom facilities, so my face was quite stubbly. I pulled up to the gas station and pumped the gas. When I attempted to pay, the attend said "It's free for the church, Father." Figuring at that point that I could use free gas more than the church, I went with along it.

After limping the rest of the way to Northampton, my car finally died in the parking lot behind the Haymarket my second day in town. A blizzard hit that night, a snow emergency was declared, and my car was towed.

The following morning Liz, who I had just met the night of the blizzard, used her AAA membership to have my car towed from the tow lot to E lot at UMass in Amherst. A semester parking pass for E lot cost only $10 at that point and wasn't restricted to students, so I was able to have my car parked legally until the end of the semester. My car was my home until June, by which time it had decayed significantly and was quickly towed.

Money can't buy happiness. This is true. However, it can eliminate a lot of the causes of stress and sadness. Yes, the rich suffer too, money affords more opportunities to alleviate that suffering. Money can rid one of having to worry about unstable housing or the affordability of food and medicine. A trip to the emergency room doesn't decimate the finances of the well-off, and if one has wealth one has the luxury of being able to prepare an emergency fund for any unforeseen blip in their cash flow.

Pervasive in this culture a perception is that wealth = good; and motivated, hard-working people will end up rewarded. The reality is that wealth has a lot more to do with luck than it does anything else. Yes, there is work involved, but the idea that the $400 million CEO works harder than the day labourer is ridiculous. If the labourer ends up in a nasty car wreck and falls into utter financial ruin, it is perceived as their fault and that they deserve their fate. The CEO who screws up often still makes off with millions in severance.

The simple act of making money may not be evil in and of itself, but neither is it a virtue. There is no inherent dignity in wealth. The past clings too hard to the future, and we still live with the age-old stench of poverty = moral inferiority. The rich have their money because they are the best stewards of it. The poor wouldn't know what to do with it and would simply squander it. When the rich get richer, everyone will benefit as those on top unzip their flies and trickle down on the unworthy beneath them. Bullshit.

I'm lucky to be alive. I mean that in the most real sense.

I'm lucky. I'm so fucking lucky that it's practically unbelievable.

I lived in my car and then on the street when I was constantly losing time and I somehow managed not to get killed. In fact, I was still able to use my wits to l get out of several situations where that was a likely outcome.

I was completely lost, and didn't really have anyone close to me for most of that time. If I had fallen in close with a junkie, I would have become a heroin addict. I would have done just about any drug that was put in front of me at that point. But somehow, I managed to avoid getting an addiction.

My luck didn't stop or start there. I was severely burned as a child, but not only survived but miraculously avoided serious burns to my face. My roommate on the burn unit, Alfonso, was not so lucky, he didn't make it.

I lost a lot of time and almost flunked out of high school. But I made it through by the skin of my teeth. I passed without turning in most of my homework. Somehow. Graduated 313th out of 317 students.

I fell in with purpleglitter and her friends, who took me off the street and gave me the means of learning the skills that lead to my short stretch of decent employment which in turn has allowed me to collect ssdi instead of ssi.

Being able to get assistance without ending up again on the street is another stroke of luck. And at this point, my still having a place to live is astounding.

And I'm still here to live in it. I've tried to kill myself too many times, and came very close to succeeding on a few occasions. But I'm still here. Somehow.

I have seen my share of bad things and been my share of bad places, but I am blessed. It's utterly amazing that things turned out so well for me. I'm so very incredibly lucky. I feel I must have one of those guardian angels like the characters that won't die regardless of how much you shoot at them on Star Trek.

Based on the lj interests lists of those who share my more unusual interests, the interests suggestion meme thinks I might be interested in:

#	Interest	Score	Google it
1	ssi	11	huh?
2	disability	8	huh?
3	transitioning	8	huh?
4	tones on tail	7	huh?
5	mephisto walz	7	huh?
6	tear garden	6	huh?
7	exquisite corpse	6	huh?
8	red lorry yellow lorry	6	huh?
9	cranes	6	huh?
10	purpleglitter.com	6	huh?
11	falling leaves	6	huh?
12	in the nursery	6	huh?
13	chronic pain	6	huh?
14	the tear garden	6	huh?
15	jean genet	5	huh?
16	shadow project	5	huh?
17	specimen	5	huh?
18	dennis cooper	5	huh?
19	march violets	5	huh?
20	gitane demone	5	huh?

Type your username here to find out what interests it suggests for you.
Popularity Ceiling: (Please be patient!)

changed by ouwiyaru based on code by ixwin
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I'm doing better physically, mentally, and spiritually; but not productively. I'm going to try setting up some sort of daily schedule for myself might help with that. I'll devote an hour a day to music practice, an hour to non-cooking domestic activity (cleaning, mending clothing, etc.), an hour to prayer and meditation, an hour to arts and crafts, an hour to reading, and an hour to building my repertoire of geek skills . That is only six hours a day of scheduled activity. This should be something I can do.

I'm going to ease into the schedule. I'll add one item each week over the next six weeks, and I'll give myself the weekends off. If I fail, I'm no worse off than I am now. However, if I can maintain the schedule for a decent period of time, I'll be a large step closer to getting off SSDI and supporting myself again.

I'm drifting through the days haphazardly. I don't feel like I'm making it. I tried to make it to the bank yesterday, but wasn't able to get out of the house until too late, despite having gone to bed at 10:00pm the previous night. I got to the bank just after it closed at 4:00pm. I completely lost it. I had just found out that my neurology appointment friday was no longer in the hospital computer system. I'm going to have to wait until the 24^th for an 8:30am appointment. It's going to be very difficult for me to get out at that time, because my problems often are worse in the morning, however it was the only time available until february. Soon I will attempt another trip to the bank. Hopefully I'll have better luck this time.

My check came today!! I can't cash it until Monday, but at least I don't have to worry about it.

When I arrived home from the asylum, I found a letter stating that I had yet another overdraft charge. I seem to be utterly incapable of keeping track of my balance and the $25 fees add up. I decided that I should just cash my SSDI check instead of depositing it and handle things in cash. I headed out to Arlington center, and only fell once on my way there and was able to get up quickly. I did end up sitting on a bench for 15 minutes shortly thereafter waiting to regain my coordination.

My first stop was Leader Bank. There I was told that since they are not publicly traded they are exempt from being required to cash treasury department checks for non-customers. No luck. I went on to Bank of America. There I was told as a non-customer I had to have two forms of identification for them to cash the check. I only had my licence with me. Strike two.

I decided to try my luck at Cambridge Savings Bank. I knew my account was negative there, but I hoped they would cash my with just one form of identification anyway. The teller told me the system wouldn't let her do it because my account was overdrawn. I asked by how much, and it was only $3.76. Aparently I had a little over $20 in the account when the overdraft fee hit. Seeing as the amount was so small, I told her to take the $3.76 out of the check, cash my check as a customer with one form of identification, then close my account. She did, and I'm now done with banks (except what will be my monthly trip to cash my check).

-----

purpleglitter drove me to my therapy appointment at 5:15. I signed in at the front desk and waited. 5:30, no therapist. The receptionist paged her. 5:45, no therapist. The receptionist paged her again, then noted that my appointment time was actually at 6:00 and not my normal time, and that's probably why my therapist wasn't responding. I had things to do, so I just left.

-----

purpleglitter dropped me off at the corner and went up to her house to bake merryperseis's birthday cake. I fell heading from the corner to my house, spilling my Monster. Several people asked if I was okay, but no one called anyone on me. I got back in the house and ended up lying in bed for some stupid reason and fell asleep. I drifted in and out of sleep and seizure for a couple hours, having nasty dreams that everything was getting worse and that I was being locked away forever. Finally, merryperseis came into my room and helped me out of bed. I ended up falling on the floor in the hall and sat there until I felt balanced enough to go down the stairs.

-----

recoiling, purpleglitter, and iamacliche were downstairs and we had quite a wonderful time celebrating the anniversary of merryperseis's birth. Towards 1:00 I started feeling very twitchy again, and couldn't really get up from the couch. All the non-residents of the house_of_clocks had left, and merryperseis had to go to purpleglitter's apartment and pick up my meds, my Metamucil cookies, and mazzycat's tuna for me. I was planning on just crashing on the couch, but did eventually make it up to my room and to sleep.

-----

Everyday is an adventure nowadays. Some moments I feel so elated I could fly, others I feel suicidal hopelessness, and others I'm simply on the ground. I have some very difficult moral choices to make. The kind where there is no good choice and I must find the one that is least wrong.

Another day today. Another day again. Days just seem to come one after another these days.