Yesterday morning, purpleglitter and I got up early to pick up the two cutest English budgies. The rusty cage they were in sucked and there were two cats there were being allowed batting at their tail feathers, but the had each other and to their former owner's credit, they had insisted they not be separated in their craigslist ad. They are so obviously bonded, they are snuggled up against each other more often then they are not. We are calling them Statler and Waldorf.


( +1 )

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Statler and Waldorf home safe and sound, I had to head out to my endocrinology appointment, which went well. It is obvious that my endocrinologist is still not entirely comfortable with me being off psychiatric medication and not in therapy, even though it has been years and I'm doing fine. At least at this point she no longer suggests I go back to either. She did, however, suggest I see my primary care provider. I won't, I don't trust my pcp anymore. However, my endo let slip the name of a primary care doctor popular who is popular with her trannie patients that I'm going to check out switching to.

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After they got done taking my blood, I went over to see Ila. She has been teaching me Telugu script, though the words we've been going over have been Sanskrit. This week I need to practice writing conjunct consonants. I think the script is beautiful and am grateful for the opportunity to attempt to learn it. Ila seems to enjoy showing it to me — which is good, otherwise she probably wouldn't.

From the The Universal Household Assistant or What Every One Should Know (1884):

Worms — treatment of. — Some members of the profession still cling with bull-dog tenacity to the opinion that worms do not affect the health of children, and that they are natural to them. The latter may or may not be true, but when they accumulate in the intestines, they produce the same disturbance that any foreign, indigestible substance would do. We find the picking of the nose, swollen lower eye-lids, restlessness in sleep, groaning, gritting teeth, starting, and lastly, spasms.    Worms kill more children than teething*; and when you find the above symptoms with a strawberry tongue and a fever, which will attack several times daily, going off as frequently in cold sweats, you can swear that you have a case of worms, and had as well prepare and attack them.    Now as to the best means of getting rid of them. I use the fluid extract of senna and spigelia in teaspoon doses for patients of eight or ten years of age, and less in proportion, night and morning, for three nights and days, following this up each morning with a good dose of castor oil, provided the senna and spigelia does not act. Then wait three days, and again institute the same proceedings, and for the same length of time.    This treatment is for the lumbricoid. For the oxyuris, or "thread worm," I see any bitter infusion by enema, sulph, quinine, followed by an enema of common salt and milk-warm water half an hour afterward, which will destroy and expel them.    The symptoms of the presence of the worm are the same as the scratching of the anus. If every practitioner will use these he will be gratified by the restoration to immediate health of many a little sufferer, who would otherwise linger in sickness for many months and perhaps eventually die.    Worms in Horses — to cure. — A remedy for worms in a horse which has never failed of a cure is to take half a cup of pure, hard wood ashes, finely sifted and mixed dry with the mash or food. If one dose should not prove sufficient, repeat it after a day or two.    Worm Lozenges. — Powdered lump sugar, ten ounces; starch, five ounces; mix with mucilage; and to every ounce add twelve grains of calomel; divide into twenty grain lozenges. Dose, two to six.    Worm Medicines. — 1. Two tablespoonfuls of pumpkin seeds peeled and pulverized, or given to a child who will chew fine. The seed does not kill, but stupefies the worm. The next day give castor oil or any other cathartic, and if the worms are present in the system they will pass off.    2. Make an infusion in the proportion of one pint of boiling water to one ounce of dried hyssop flowers; let it stand ten minutes; pour it off into a wine bottle, and take a wine-glass, or rather less, according to age, two or three times a day.

* Teething was thought to be a common cause infant mortality in the 19^th century, however most "teething deaths" were actually caused by opium poising from the opium and morphine teething infants were treated with.

From a post by jeywolf in without_meds:

I got a letter Friday from my primary care nurse. The letter was dated Tuesday, the day after I saw my endo. The letter informed me that she set me up with an appointment for an MRI (albeit non-gallium based). I guess my endo lit a fire under her ass. My endo is good.

I have an appointment with my primary care nurse tomorrow about getting an referral to a rheumatologist. The letters constitute a slight change is sea, and I am optimistic that my appointment tomorrow will go well.

I saw my endocrinologist today. As normal, she renewed my prescription and had my blood drawn. As part of the exam, she asked if I had any leg swelling. I mentioned the oddness behind the backs of my right knee and elbow and that my primary care nurse thought they were lipomas, but that I was doubting that assessment. She took a look at my knee and agreed that there was not a lipoma there. She suggested they might be ganglion cysts, but wasn't so sure because they appeared too lateral in form.

She suggested that I see a rheumatologist for a more specific diagnosis, but that my primary care nurse would have to give me a referral. I told her that I doubted my primary care nurse would, as she doesn't believe anything I say; to which my endocrinologist replied "She'll believe me.". At least I'm getting someone to believe something health related isn't in my head.

My dad:

His surgery went fine and should be out in time to vote straight Republican. They are going to put the second stint in next Monday. Things are looking good and he appears very willing to give up cigarettes.

Me:

I do not have Behçet's disease (with about a 95% certainty). However, he was cautious about the" ulcerations" on my tongue and suggests that I get a biopsy after I get a teeth cleaning. He did not have a suggestion as to what they might be looking for with a biopsy. I've had the ulcerations on my tongue for as long as I can remember, the one dentist I asked said I must be biting my tongue in my sleep. I accepted that then, but now am questioning that assessment.

Of course, since the doctor I saw today is an Behçet's expert and outside my normal insurance it would make sense to attempt to find the care in-network. I'm not even sure if this is where I want to put my energy: if the weird tongue issues are not connected, I'd rather concentrate on the vertigo.

I've been getting out more, which is good. My cycle of vertigo episodes appears to be waning, but I am still not free of this wave. If I keep improving at this rate perhaps in a week I'll stop carrying a staff or cane with me when I go out.

My primary care nurse has yet to produce the referral to the neurologist I wanted. I have given up on her being of much use and have located on my own a doctor of oral pathology who is an expert on Behçet's Disease as well as a sufferer himself. He should be able to rule in or rule out Behçet's as an explanation for my symptoms. Unfortunately, I'll have to pay for the appointment out of pocket, which will definitely be a strain on the coming month's already tight budget.

I saw my therapist yesterday. I still don't know the point of going, but I still keep going. I have an appointment next Monday. I'm quite ambivalent about it, but I'll probably go anyway. My therapist wants me to keep going, but also wants me to find my own reason to keep going. I am not motivated to search a reason to continue therapy, as I don't really believe that I would find one. Perhaps, if she thinks I should keep going then she should find a reason for me to do so. I feel the whole endeavour is a waste of resources.

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Today, zarthon is taking me to see my primary care nurse. Hopefully she'll give me the referral I want. At the very least, I'll get a flu shot.

After that, purpleglitter and I will be meeting riga_mortia at the Diesel Café. bathofblood may or may not be there.

riga_mortia wants me to go with her and possibly panda_cookie and/or bathofblood to mute_halo's grave tomorrow. I don't think I am physically up to it right now, considering the frequency and severity of the vertigo episodes I've had lately. Even if I was physically able, I think seeing Rob might be something I want to do on my own.

I haven't really talked about how I've been doing lately. The "episodes" have been on an upswing. I have spent the majority of today immobile. This has not been an uncommon day. I don't like this eating into my life. On days I can, going for my walks is an act of defiance. I want to get back to being productive and perhaps be on the road to getting a job again. I am mentally ready to go back to work, but it is not a realistic option as long as I have these cycles.

However, I am making some progress on figuring the problem out. I was previously unaware that "vertigo" has a specific medical definition. The term is much more specific and I believe better suited than "dizzy" for the spells I've been having. More specifically, I am suffering bouts of central vertigo, as it often is accompanied by blurred vision, loss of fine motor control, sensory distortions, slurred speech, and ataxia. The question still remains as to what is causing it.

I have found two candidate conditions: multiple sclerosis and Behçet's disease. Of course there is a good chance that it is neither, but they do give me a direction to go in when I try to get this issue checked out again. I'm going to make an appointment with my primary care nurse (who I think is a bit of a quack) and see if she can set me up again with a neurologist or someone who can properly look into my symptoms. I'm getting quite tired of this.

video from existentialista:



Emmie Rose died yesterday before her hearing could take place. Essentially, the hospital ethics committee decided the "ethical" course of action was to starve a baby to death. The state of Michigan will happily imprison the likes of Dr. Kevorkian, who assisted the suicides of people who wanted to die. However, a doctor deliberately killing a baby who's parents' want her to live is somehow legal? It is abhorrent.

For breakfast yesterday I had a veggie burger with basil mozzarella cheese and barbecue sauce; for lunch I had pizza balls with basil mozzarella, faux ham, and faux turkey topped with parmesan cheese; for dinner I had spaghetti in pizza sauce with parmesan cheese; for my healthy snack I had cashews.

Food went well, but I only got half of my half hour of exercise in with a walk up to Arlington Center and back in last evening's thunderstorm. Getting in my exercise is going to be hard right now because I've been having lots of wobbly/dizzy/fally/seizurey/whatever-the-hell-who-knows-the-doctors-apparently-don't episodes, but I will not let that be an excuse. I will continue to try to make Project Three Meals work. I refuse to let this crap control my life.

I've been having falling/dizzy spells/seizure/whatever the fuck it is issues again. I've had felt a bit more wobbly over the last week, but it's really spiked the last couple days. According to merryperseis, my eyes dilated at the beginning of the episode on the bus coming home from the North End on Friday. This does not surprise me, as one of the major symptoms of the episodes is muscle weakness and poor coordination which often makes eye focus difficult, so eye dilation would make sense. However, as this is only time eye dilation has been noted in conjunction with one of these episodes, and I would prefer it to be noted again to designate it as a symptom instead of as a coincidence.

Yesterday was much worse than Friday. My morning walk an with taiaselene was without incident. I was fine until the afternoon, which went horribly. An incident that while waxing and waning lasted for well over an hour. There was in addition another significant episode in the evening, though shorter and less severe than the afternoon one.

Of course, there is no way of really knowing where this is going and when the cycle will wane again. I am using a cane/staff again when I go out and will until this bares itself out. I will not let these episodes keep me from going for my walks and other outdoor activities. I refuse to let this control my life. Sure, that increases the chance that I might be sent to the emergency room by the unduly worried — but that just means I'll have an opportunity for a cathartic release of anger at whatever asshole doctor I get. Works for me.

I went back to therapy yesterday evening. It's not my therapist in particular I have a problem with, it's the system as a whole. I think some therapy may be helpful for me at this point, but I am still a bit dubious as to whether I've made the right decision. What really tipped the scale is now that I'm actually getting seriously looked at for my physical issues, I can to some degree afford to talk with a therapist at the very least.

My therapist said that she would help me get the most troublesome and error-ridden parts of my psych record removed. While waiting to sign in, I had noticed in the privacy statement of the Cambridge Health Alliance that I had the right to request any part of my medical record be removed. They then can decide if such removal is appropriate, but if they decide it is not I have the right to appeal to a third party for arbitration. Hopefully it won't go that far, but I'm really looking forward to get the opinions of idiots like Fatima off my record. Hopefully that ball will be fully rolling soon.

We also discussed psych meds. I'm very very dubious about psych meds, but am willing to try another SSRI. I don't trust SSRIs entirely, but IMHO they are the most innocuous of the psych med arsenal. I would also consider something for my anxiety, but the only real options are benzodiaphines and Paxil. I will not go on Paxil, I've known to many people who've gone through the completely horrid withdrawals from it. Sweating, shaking, bugs crawling on the skin kind of withdrawals. None for me thanks. The doctors at Cahill 3 did not want to give me a prescription for benzos because I have a "drug habit". They didn't want to give me a SSRI either, though. They had labeled me as psychotic because I was defiant and caused them hassle. While they gave me Klonopin inpatient and tried to give me Thorazine, they wanted to give me a script for Thorazine. I told them that I'd take meds only if they were prescribed by a neurologist. After much fighting, towards the end of my stay they had the neurologist on call for the unit come up and look at me. They ran a couple test that it took me weeks to get ahold of the results of, and gave me a very small dose of Lamictal. I assumed the Lamictal was related to any potential neurological issues, but I found out at my neurologist's office that on my exit sheets they wrote that the lamictal was for "mood stabilization". He explained that they would give Lamictal to someone who had suspected seizure activity and also needed a mood stabilizer, but the whole thing still seems a bit sketchy to me.

I need to make a couple phone calls today to finalize the dates for my ambulatory EEG as well as set up an appointment with my new prescribing psych nurse. I had good luck with a nurse practitioner instead of a doctor for primary care, maybe a prescribing psych nurse will likewise be better than a psychiatrist.

Another note of interest is that my therapist has not been putting me down as having either DID or PTSD simply as having severe depression. She said that she believes me about such things, but I have not presented as DID in our sessions. That is because over the past year or so I've been fronting the majority of the time and most of the others that occasionally front nowadays are not noticeably different to outsiders. Sure, when someone like Cyndi or Sally front everyone notices. But Cyndi only comes out now on thankfully rare occasions and I haven't seen Sally in quite some time. This seems to be a quiet spell. I'm not sure why and these things are not something I control and even if I could I would not upset what little balance there is now to treat a therapist to a "demonstration".

I will be heading back to therapy next week, because even if I occasionally have issues with her, I've had less with her than any other therapist. I may not agree with her all the time, but she has earned a trust with me. If she doesn't understand something, instead of dismissing it, she researches it. I also do find it helpful to a degree to be able to just let things out in a very free form. She agrees that I was being treated badly at the hospital and that the label of psychotic was applied to me simply to discredit and control me, she is against force psychiatry and has shown that through her actions, she repeatedly states that she believes me, and she agrees that psych meds are overprescribed. Even if she does think that some psych meds would be helpful for me, she respects my decision on what meds I will not take and states that she does not think that I need antipsychotic. I think it would be a mistake to lose her as a therapist, because I am not likely to replace her with anyone quiet so open minded.

I got back from Cambridge Hospital about an hour ago. I was having one of the worst twitchy dizzy seizure spells I've had yet. I was very reluctant to call for help, because I was pretty certain I wouldn't be believed because of my psych history.

I did call, and a firetruck and ambulance came fairly quickly. They strapped me to a seat and carried me out of the house. They transfered me to a stretcher and loaded me onto the ambulance. merryperseis came with. I was quite out of it for the ride to the hospital.

When I arrived several nurses started asking questions about what was going on and taking down information. They seemed genuinely interested.

The first signs of trouble came when the physician assistant came in. She was rude, but still put on a facade of some form of interest. It was shallow, and they had obviously been into my records at that point.

Next the doctor on call came in. The entire examination consisted of one question: "Do you currently have a psychiatrist following you?". That was it. Period. Fucking asshole. After he left, the physician's assistant came back in and offered me ativan. I have ativan at home. Ativan is not what I need.

At this point, I'm no longer making any bones about the way I feel. I tell her that I'm done with dealing with these problems. She asks what I mean by that and I reply that I'm giving up because I can no longer live like this. She sees this as a healthy response from someone she views as a psych patient and decides to give me my discharge papers and tell me to leave. At this point I can still not reliably walk. She tells me the hospital will not give a taxi voucher and I don't want to call purpleglitter in the middle of the night because she's dealt with enough of my crap over the years.

I tell her that if have to walk or take the bus that I'll be back in less than 30 minutes. She replies to this with "don't threaten me.". Yeah, I can barely stand and I'm being threatening. Get a fucking grip. I'm just stating fact. If I had to walk or take the bus home, I'd end up on the ground and I'd end up being brought back by the ambulance that would be called on me by others.

They didn't want me in the bed any longer, so I sat on the chair as I waited for the hospital manager to appeal the taxi voucher decision. I stayed on the chair a good 15 minutes, but eventually fell off. I was probably lying on the floor of the emergency room for 15 or 20 minutes before a nurse that I had not seen before stopped and helped me back into the bed. I told her that they didn't want me in the bed, but she helped me onto it anyway.

The hospital manager stopped in finally and told me that the decision stands. Offered me a wheelchair trip to the door. I refused the chair and merryperseis called purpleglitter, who was actually up. Heading to the front entrance I ended up on the ground once again. I didn't stay down too long as the episode was at last significantly waning. We got in purpleglitter's dying car and finally went home.

I went to see my new primary care nurse practitioner today. The appointment went really well.

First, her assistant took my weight and vitals. My blood pressure was on the low side of normal, as was my temperature. Both still within the normal range and both typical for my vitals. My weight was what surprised me. I had gotten up to 230lbs. But that was over six months ago. I haven't been weighed since then. I weighed in at under 200lbs. 199lbs to be exact. Quite a difference. I guess I've been doing a good job with my eating and exercising. I seem to have quit Project Three Meals over the last few days. I think I'm going to start Attempt 7. 180lbs is my ideal weight. It seems achievable in the near future.

After the weighing, I waited about 15 minutes until the nurse practitioner walked in. She went over all the medical history forms I filled out, and actually paid attention to what I had to say. She was very helpful and non-condescending. I felt extremely comfortable with her.

We discussed my issues with dizziness and the pains and the bumps. She does not think the dizziness and the pains are related. She felt my behind-elbow, and said she could feel what appears to be a lipoma, a benign fatty tumor. She said they can be caused by repeated swellings, which may be associated with what is causing the pains the my behind-elbow and behind-knee. She suggested that it is some sort of tendon or ligament problem and that I should try using ice.

About the dizzy spells, she could not identify the problem but is setting me up with appointments with both an ophthalmologist and a neurologist. An ophthalmologist surprised me, but she says there is a chance that the issue is somehow related to my eyes. Hopefully soon the issue will be finally sorted out.

Due to another unrelated issue I discussed with her, I need to also start taking a fiber supplement.

I'm much happier with her than I have been with the doctors I've seen. I feel like things are finally moving forward. I'm still a bit nervous, but am now a bit optimistic as will.

I had my first therapy appointment in almost a month. It went well, mostly catching up on the past several weeks. I'm in a much better place than the last time I saw my therapist. She was very glad to see the improvement. She will also be arranging for me to switch my primary care over to the Cambridge Health Alliance, however I will be seeing a nurse practitioner instead of a doctor. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but I will give it a try.

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Before I got on the bus, I stopped by Brooks Pharmacy. I saw a new product at the counter: Jolt Gum. I picked up a pack to try it.

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I caught the 77 and to my surprise there all the seats were upholstered. Soft, slightly fuzzy, and cushy. An MBTA bus with comfortable seats, who'd have thought it would come to pass. I have a feeling the bus was an anomaly, but it would be nice if it were a sign of the future.

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Back at home, I popped in a couple pieces of the Jolt Gum. Wow! Some of the caffeine absorbs sublingually, so it hits immediately. I started chewing about an hour ago and I'm still wired. I love this stuff. It's essentially chewing crack. Furthermore, it's cheaper than buying caffeinated beverages: the gum equivalent of 6 cups of coffee costs $1.30. I'm definitely getting more.