when a window shatters
you can pick up the pieces
and glue them back together
but the cracks will still be there
the window will never be the same again

the window is always shattering
there are so many cracks that what is behind the window can no longer be seen
the cracks have become the world
but what lies beyond
is still there and never dies

The information coming out about Blackwater just keeps getting worse and worse.

A few weeks ago, we hear that Blackwater massacred at least 11 Iraqi civilians.

Then we find out that there were 6 other Blackwater shootings this year.

Then we find out that a Blackwater employee drunkenly shot and killed one of Iraqi Vice President Adel Abdul-Mahdi's bodyguards last Christmas Eve, only to be silently whisked back to the United States by the State Department — never to be held criminally responsible for the murder.

Then we find out that Blackwater (not Iran) has been arming the Iraqi militias.

Then we find out that there have been 195 Blackwater shootings since 2005, and in 162 of them Blackwater fired first.

Blackwater has been operating above the law, not accountable to anyone — and the State Department has been complicit in their actions. The Iraqi government has asked that Blackwater leave the country, but the U.S. State Department told them that is not possible. As a result, the Iraqi government has accepted the foreign-hired mercenaries will stay and that it is powerless to do anything about them. Is that how a sovereign government behaves? Powerless to prosecute, expel, or even question foreign mercenary groups that prey on it's citizens?

The Iraqi government is in not sovereign, its actions have to be approved by the United States, it is nothing more than a puppet. When Americans complain about the Iraqi government being ineffective, they are really complaining about our government's puppeteering being ineffective.

I had a swell time at the x_bluerose_x's party last night. I very much liked the banana chocolate goodness of Sex in the TARDIS as well as the strange Liqor 43 brontosproximo brought. I got a little more sloshed than I intended, and while I was not falling down drunk (which I haven't been in many years), I still managed to achieve stupid drunk (which I haven't been in quite a while either).

The crowd was jolly, and the floor show at the end was... well... interesting.

I felt well last night neither physically nor mentally. I took 2mg of my old Ativan prescription to put myself to sleep.

OH MY GOD! IT'S A PSYCH MED!!!

Yes, it's a psych med and yes I'm against psych meds. However, my issue with psych meds is living on them. I view living on any mind-altering drug as undesirable, whether that be Seroquel or heroin or alcohol. That does not mean occasional use of a mind altering drug such as Ativan is a bad thing.

Moderation is key. Have a drink on the weekend. Hell, get drunk some weekend. It's not the end of the world. Get drunk every day, that's a problem. When you live your life on alcohol or Zoloft or cocaine or Geodon, whether you are functional or not, you have lost touch with some portion of your core beginning. And when you are in touch with your core being, you can address the core issues that drove you take the drugs in the first place.

I had a great time this evening celebrating purpleglitter's birthday with zarthon, recoiling, and of course purpleglitter. I made blackberry sours which were loved by all and gave purpleglitter a framed picture of her I did in pastels. I hope she had a good birthday. Berv love Lake.

Poll #834135
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All

You are at a friend's house and they offer to share their casu marzu with you. You:

I've been avoiding writing anything too "whiney" for a while.

You know what.

I just don't care anymore.

Fuck it.

If how I feel is "whiney" or whateverthefuck, that's what I'm going to post.

If you all don't want to see whiney brain splatter on your screen, then stop reading my journal.

i won't be offended.

If it annoys you just go the fuck away.

I've been absent in a sence from livejournal lately partially because of that.

I've written only superficial crap

nothing really about me in a while.

i don't care what you all think of me.

i don't care what anyone thinks at this point.

i've been spending too much time trying to please everyone.

fuck them.

fuck me.

fuck everyone.

i don't even want to please myself right now.

i really just don't care.

If you have a drink in an Austin bar or restaurant, and you do something out of the ordinary, you could go to jail. The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission says they can spot people who've had too much to drink, just by looking at them. It's an issue creating a lot of controversy. It's also creating a lot of arrests. THE TABC sting operation has increased arrests by 95 percent. Agents are going into bars and restaurants looking for folks who are a danger to themselves or others. When they spot someone drawing attention to themselves, that person is likely headed to jail. "Don't do anything more than anyone around you in a bar is doing," TABC spokeswoman Carolyn Beck said. The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission are sending agents into bars to ticket people who have had too much to drink. How can they tell? Simply, they look at you. "You may be arrested and taken to jail and get a citation as well, It's the officer's discretion," Beck said. full article

It is absurd to be arrested simply for drinking "too much" at a bar. Government invasiveness in one of it's finest forms. Furthermore, the completely arbitrary nature of the enforcement (the officers tell by looking at you) makes discriminatory enforcement against minority groups almost a certainty.

Walking back from Mass Convenience, I was accosted by a man who looked around 40 and seemed to be slightly inebriated yelling at me "You don't need a cane.". It is exactly attitudes like that that made me resist using a cane for so long. I realize that a good deal of the time I can walk perfectly fine without a cane. But during my episodes, which have been very frequent of late, it is very hard to walk and often very hard to simply stand. I have managed to stay off the ground a good many times because of my cane, and when I do end up on the ground the can helps me get back up. There are also many times where I am able to remain mobile with the help of the cane when without it I would be stuck. With balance and coordination so often issues, the cane has given me much more confidence when i go out, and I've been able to do a lot more since I've been using it. I DON"T WANT TO HAVE TO CARRY A CANE, BUT RIGHT NOW I DON"T SEE ANY OTHER CHOICE.

-----

I did manage to do some work on my new cane today, as the cracks in my old one are getting larger and it is only a matter of time before it snaps. I would like to stop using it BEFORE that happens, as I rather like it and would like to keep it around in one piece even if I no longer use it. I sawed off the excess length pealed off the easily removable bark. Most of the bark was not easily taken off, and I began sanding. I don't have enough sand paper to finish the job, and even after I pick some up the sanding will probably be several days work as I can only sustain a small periods of vigorous activity these days. There is some rot underneath the bark and I found a strange bug that I did not recognise under the bark that I was able to pry off, but that those things should not be surprising as the branch was lying on the soft earth by Spy Pond for who knows how long. But, it is sturdy and despite its flaws I still believe it will make a fine cane.

I had fun at kyrene's party tonight, even though merryperseis and I got quite lost on our way there. I wore a new hat I picked up today at a tag sale for 35¢. It's bright red and purple and green and blue and orange with baubles at the tips of it's points.

I got to see lady_babalon and sophiaserpentia, and met some new people like brontosproximo. There was quite a lot of food stuffs there, and that will make for quite and interesting Project Three Meals post tomorrow. The wine flowed like wine, and I drank quite a bit of it, including some pomegranate wine which was quite tasty. Yum.

My favorite part of the party was teetering on the totter with brontosproximo. I haven't teetered on a totter in a very long time.

I'm glad I'm back in social mode.

Today I seem to have been able to get drunk without immediately vomiting for the first time in well over a year. The bulimia had done quite a number on my esophagus, and alcohol upset that damage greatly. But that damage seems to have for the most part healed. I am free to drink again!

The drink for tonight is Dr. McGillicuddy's Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey mixed with cinnamon apple cider. Very very yummy.

i went downstairs to get a better view. apparently a motorbike was involved. i'm not sure what happened, but the rider is sitting up on the side of the road and while i can't tell the extent of his injuries, they do not appear to be severe.

the accident occurred just as i was posting that i would like to just take off and leave. go somewhere new and start over. or maybe make my journey north and find my destiny.

north, it's been a long time since i heard that call. i don't know if it was some sort of psychotic symptom or real, but that's where the spirit or voice or whatever it was told me to go. it's been a decade since i've heard that call. to nunavut on the shore of the hudson bay on the winter solstice. even if it was real, i don't know if what's there is anything for me there anymore. but i still think about making the journey. finding out if it is real, even if i don't end up coming back.

i don't know what sort of omen the timing of the accident to that thought process is. quite odd. quite odd indeed.

there was just some sort of car accident outside my window. i can't see how bad it was. i called the police about it and they are arriving as i type. they are telling someone not to move. a fire engine just arrived. i hope the no one is seriously injured.

i knew i shouldn't drink with my stomach problems
now i'm vomiting
oh well, i wanted to be self destructive
here i go!

I had home seasoned ramen for breakfast, 2 tubes of peanuts for lunch, spaghetti in tomatoe sauce with mushrooms and parmesan cheese for dinner, and half an orange for my healthy snack. I also got in 30 minutes of walking. However I ate a bag of hot crunchy cheese bible curls, which threw my day plan off. I know I should be eating more fiber, but I can't really afford it. I'll do better tomorrow.

i want to bleed across the sky
i want to fall to the depths of hell
i want to burst into flame
i want to cry alone in the dark

the wind calls me
i wish it would snow
gentle peaceful snow
i want to sleep in its drifts
lie in its cold embrace
i love the snow
that is where i wish to rest

i want a drink
it's to cold too walk to the liquor store
i may do it anyway
i don't really care
i just want to get trashed tonight
i don't really have the money to spend on alcohol
again i don't really care
i just want to be unsober
i don't really care how i get unsober
it's just alcohol seems the easiest to obtain
i'm spiraling down again
here i go