“My last post was overly cryptic, and this one will probably be cryptic as well. But I haven't gotten my EEG results, I probably will get them in a couple of weeks. But that's okay. I don't know if I'm going to... I don't know if I should say some things. Well there are some things that are...you see, there's just some things that are just best left not said. But you see, I want people to understand things, but I can't tell them, so I hope that some people at least know somewhat something but not know anything at the same time. It's just... I mean... Things we must all do. We must do things that are not right, because to not do them is also not right. And it's hard...and it's hard for me to live with myself anymore. I watched, I've seen, and I'm going down the same path as I did on that post. I had to redo my last post anyway because I accidentally hit 2 instead of 3 and 2 is to erase it and 3 is to save it. So the first version of my last post was much better and much, much more articulate, and much more free and true. You sort of got the watered down, and strange attempted recreation of it. And I just don't know what's going on. I don't know. I feel like I might, might just fall from the weight of everything on my head. You know, like the housing front seems at least temporarily fixed, but still, there's just so much going on. I don't know if I can do it, and I don't know if I can do it, and I don't know if I can do it, and I don't know if I can do it. And I'm scared, and people will probably accuse me of trying to get attention because I'm cryptic and can't explain everything, and I don't care, because fine, I don't care, I'm telling my story because my journal is art because my life is art. And art is deadly and my painting and my canvas will be my poison and my poison will eat me and I will be eaten and I will go and I will see and I will and I will and I will and I will and I will.”

supremegoddess1

“I know I said I wouldn't make another post until after the EEG, but... I'm watching the future come. I see what it looks like it may be. No one can predict truly what will come, but as i see... i see what i have to do, and I see... that's if I were to be judged, it would not be kind. But... I do not know if there is such a judge; if this moral game that I am trapped in, every test i must go through, and i have tried, and... i don't know. but I do not think this game is going well.
I have done my best, and I will continue to look to the future, until the future is in the past, and I am part of the winds. The winds will get me in the end, they take us all away. I wait for the winds, I will find the winds. I will welcome the winds. I will be one with the winds.
Everything is ending. Maybe something will begin again someday.”

neko_san

“*sigh* A lot's gone on today, and I shouldn't be making another post today, 'cause I need to ration. So, I probably won't make another phone post until at least Thursday evening, if not Friday.
So. Here's what's been going on.
Well, I found out that the complaint forms are utterly useless, and the quote-unquote "civil rights patients' advocate" person is also bullshit. I quizzed the patients advocate (we had a meeting about patients' rights), and the patients' advocate was very very much giving the pro-hospital line to everyone. And I already became suspicious and I was questioning things and talking about meds and what people should consider, and talking about tardive dyskinesia to people, and she was very upset, saying, you know, like, "You should leave that kind of thing up to a doctor, to tell them" and I was like "But the doctors don't tell them about that kind of side effect", and that "you may get NMF and die", even thought it's a rare side effect, I think people should be informed BEFORE they are forced to take these drugs, that there's so many nasty side effects, like diabetes, and withdrawals from things like Paxil, that are almost as bad as withdrawing from heroin. It's insane, the stuff they don't inform patients. So, I talk to patients about it, and apparently, I'm not supposed to do that.

Well, anyway, me and {name}, the patient advocate, had a little talk, and I found out that... yeah, she keeps telling everybody she's licensed through DMH, so she's impartial. But she's NOT impartial. Yeah, she's got a license through the DMH, but she reports to the hospital. She WORKS for the hospital. Her PAYCHECK comes from the hospital. She meets with the staff, before meeting with us, to get on the same page. She's a member of the staff. She pretends like she's our advocate, but she's not. She's just to here to try to give us someone to grieve to, that it won't really go anywhere.

And furthermore, they have the complaint forms. The other night, I was explained to, that we should fill out the complaint forms, and that something will happen when we fill them out. Well, the fact of the matter is that the complaint forms... if you fill out a complaint form, it gets sent to the nurse manager, Miriam. And, she has fourteen days to either... to process the complaint and figure out what to do about it. Now, especially since she's PART of the complaints, often, this really doesn't work out too well. After fourteen days, she gives her verdict, and you get the complaint form back.

Now, you ARE allowed to appeal this, though. However, the appeal goes to... guess who?! The nurse manager, again! Miriam! The same person the complaint went to in the first place. So, this isn't really an appeal, this is just sending it back to the same person. She has another fourteen days, to make another decision, to decide if her first decision was wrong, and that she actually did something wrong, and then she gives it back to you.
After that, you are allowed another appeal. Now, the other appeal is given to Karen Cook, the "patient advocate", quote-unquote, who works for Cambridge Hospital, and is invested in the Cambridge Hospital system, and SHE decides whether to send it on to DMH. If she doesn't, that's the end of the line. And, at this point, it's been two months anyways, because she's got thirty days to do that.

So, the complaint forms, they give you, that they tell you, "Oh, don't tell us what we're doing is wrong, you must fill out the complaint forms." That's not true. They don't do anything. It's utterly pointless. It's to try to make you think that you're able to complain about what's going on, but you're not.

OK. Well, that's the part that I'm angry about. And I've been informing patients, and they don't like it, about the various side effects of their meds, and several doctors have told me to stop it, and I'll tell them, "Show me where I'm wrong." And they can't, because I'm right. They just don't want the patients to know it.

[Partial transcription ends here. This post continues in the comments.]”

“Good morning livejournal! This is neitherday, live from the madhouse. Apparently our protest worked. My friend in the wheelchair was transferred to another unit and is being treated very nice now. And is actually feeling like a human, and getting the care she needs. And on this unit, it looks like I'm getting the neurological work-up I need. I had a CAT scan today already. I will be getting an EEG, a sleep-deprived EEG, either tomorrow or Wednesday...I mean tomorrow or the next day, I think tomorrow is Wednesday, actually, so...Wednesday or Thursday I'll be getting a sleep-deprived EEG. I'm also meeting with a neurologist at some point today and then I will meet with neurologist again after the EEG. So things are actually getting done. On the medication front, I had to agree to take some medication, so...today, right now I'm on Klonopin. They tried to put me on Thorazaine, and I'm *not* going on Thorazine. No way. Thorazaine is the nastiest, the worst, the first, nastiest, and worst, and I'm not going on it. In fact, I'm not going on any antipsychotics. We're going to discuss what further meds. I told them I would consider an antidepressant, and they're suggesting I go on a mood stabilizer like Depakote or Lithium. I'm definitely not going on Depakote, but I told them I would discuss the option of Lithium, although somehow I think I'm not going to go ahead with it. And I don't like the idea, so they're going to have to put together a *really* good argument about why I should take Lithium. We'll see how that goes. I probably won't be making another post today, and I may not be making another post tomorrow, though I may if there's something important to say. Because I don't know how long I'm going to be here, and I only have 15 posts this whole month of November. And since they use Greenwich Standard Time for deciding when the month begins, my last post last night fell after midnight Greenwich Standard Time and it counts towards the month of November. So this is my second post this month, and there's 30 days in the month, so, with just 15 posts, I *really* have to start rationing. I don't anticipate being here all month, but I also don't want to run out of posts, so... The three posts a day thing is going to end. Well, actually it's been two posts the last few days, but you get what I'm saying. I have to strongly ration the amount of posts I make. If there's something important to say that I don't feel like making a voice post, I may have purpleglitter post them for me. She'll transcribe as I talk on the phone to her. It's a little more complicated to do it that way, but it may be what has to be done. I much prefer doing the phone posts. But things are looking a lot better here. I'm feeling a lot better about my care. One big issue still is that they haven't let me shave for...they didn't me shave yesterday and they still haven't let me shave today because I'm on zero sharps because I cut Sunday. And I really need to shave. I've been trying to explain, I have the right to use the woman's room. And one of their excuses was patient discomfort. So whether or not they let me shave, I'm going to still use the woman's room. I'm trying to explain to them that if I can't shave, and my facial hair starts growing out, the women in the women's room are going to be more uncomfortable, and that's going to cause more of an issue. So I'm taking the tact that this is not only about me and my appearance and my needing to shave, it's also about other patients' comfort with me, and that the comfort level of other people on the unit is going to be affected if they don't let me shave, so... Just wanted to say, our protest worked, things have improved, and hopefully I'll be out of here this week, though I can't guarantee it. My goal is to be out Friday, we'll see what happens. And hopefully I will see you on the outside some day. That is all.”

supremegoddess1