Yesterday morning, purpleglitter and I got up early to pick up the two cutest English budgies. The rusty cage they were in sucked and there were two cats there were being allowed batting at their tail feathers, but the had each other and to their former owner's credit, they had insisted they not be separated in their craigslist ad. They are so obviously bonded, they are snuggled up against each other more often then they are not. We are calling them Statler and Waldorf.


( +1 )

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Statler and Waldorf home safe and sound, I had to head out to my endocrinology appointment, which went well. It is obvious that my endocrinologist is still not entirely comfortable with me being off psychiatric medication and not in therapy, even though it has been years and I'm doing fine. At least at this point she no longer suggests I go back to either. She did, however, suggest I see my primary care provider. I won't, I don't trust my pcp anymore. However, my endo let slip the name of a primary care doctor popular who is popular with her trannie patients that I'm going to check out switching to.

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After they got done taking my blood, I went over to see Ila. She has been teaching me Telugu script, though the words we've been going over have been Sanskrit. This week I need to practice writing conjunct consonants. I think the script is beautiful and am grateful for the opportunity to attempt to learn it. Ila seems to enjoy showing it to me — which is good, otherwise she probably wouldn't.

My temper has been showing through again lately. I need to reign it in. That needs to be a goal. A new meditation regimen is in order. purpleglitter thinks that the hormone imbalance my endocrinologist noted may be causing some of my moodiness. Perhaps, but that is no excuse. Must calm my mind. Must seek center again.

I saw my endocrinologist last night. My testosterone levels are a bit too high, however my estrogen levels are high as well. She thinks that another delivery system for the estrogen will help better. She wanted to give me a cream that absorbs through the skin, but my insurance won't cover it. Instead I will be getting injectable estrogen. I'm going to have to learn how to give myself shots. I need to find a pharmacy that carries the prescription, as Walgreens does not. I'll still be talking my estradiol until I meet with a nurse to instruct me on how to give myself the shots.

Out of three appointments I had scheduled for today, my primary care nurse and my therapist canceled. Now all I have to go to today is my endocrinologist. I guess I have much more time today than I thought.

i see my endocrinologist yesterday. since she is in the same hospital system, she looked up my eeg results for me. they came back normal. i'm not very hopeful about my upcoming neurology appointment tomorrow. even though it often takes a series of eegs to find seizure activity, with the problems i already have had with people dismissing me because of my psych record i'm almost convinced that it will inevitably happen again tomorrow. i don't even feel like going at this point. i'm processing so many things right now to deal with another asshole in the medical system. however, if i don't go i might not have another shot for a long time.

my endocrinologist stated that she was hesitant to give me my scripts if i wasn't seeing a therapist and told me she was concerned that i didn't want to take the psych meds the doctors on the psych ward wanted to give me. i reminded her that she had given me scripts before when i was without therapy and she did end up writing them.

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i had canceled my thanksgiving trip to missouri as i did not think with my current problems that i should be flying. not because i think the traveling itself would be unsafe; but because with me twitching, falling to the ground, and becoming unresponsive i might attract a large degree of unwanted attention from airport security. couple that with being a left-wing radical tranny and i'd in for a bad time.

i am not going to attempt to go to my grandmother's funeral in chicago. even if i wasn't concerned about security, i neither have the means or a stable enough mental state to make the trip.

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my therapist called this morning asking if my decision to quit therapy was firm. i wasn't feeling particularly together when she called and couldn't really give a definitive answer to her. she is going to call me monday to check in on me and find out if i've changed my mind. i'm torn, because while therapy might be a good thing right now, being involved with the psych system is negatively impacting my medical care. i'm not quite sure what path to take on anything right now. everything seems to be stirred up, inside and out. i need to get away from everything.

I just found a letter from the Cambridge Health Alliance on the kitchen table telling me that my primary care nurse set up the neurology appointment for me. Unfortunately it is the day before Thanksgiving and I'll be in Missouri. I guess I'll have to reschedule the appointment. I need to remember to call Monday. While I'm at it, maybe I can actually set up that long overdue endocrinology appointment.

I am now wearing D cups. Last year I was wearing C's, and that was when I actually wore a bra. I really didn't like wearing them, as I thought they were uncomfortable. Now not wearing one is uncomfortable. I started taking hormones in 2000 and my breasts still haven't stopped growing. I was happy with B's. I liked having C's. However D's are a bit much. They're fucking heavy and are hellish in the summer. Ah well, I really shouldn't be complaining.

This reminds me, I need to make an appointment with my endocrinologist. I'll do that first thing tomorrow.

I canceled my endocrinologist appointment today because I thought it was more important to see my primary care doctor. I accidentally double booked them for today. However, I just canceled my appointment with my primary care doctor. It's too hot out and I have no clean clothes that are appropriate for the temperature. The heat, lack of cool clothing, and my genetic hyperhidrosis would make going out in the middle of this oven of a day extremely hellish. I don't have enough faith that I'll actually get enough help from my primary doctor to justify going in the current conditions. I am considering canceling my therapy session for today as well. I just do not want to venture out in the heat.

I haven't mentioned hyperhidrosis on LiveJournal before, because up until about a month ago I didn't even know that it existed. My brother was recently diagnosed with it. My niece and nephew apparently have it as well. I knew that I had excessive sweating on my face, bottom, and feet. I must use baby power, especially on my bottom, to avoid getting a rash from the sweat. But, I didn't know that this was a disorder. I just thought I happened to be intolerant to heat.

When I say excessive sweating, I don't mean just a little sweatier than normal, I mean that I'm drenched in conditions that are just slightly hotter than normal. Activities such as brushing my hair can also trigger it. When it gets extremely hot, the experience is utterly miserable. On the scale of things, it is by far not the worst genetic disorder one can have. However it does make life that much more sucky. I've always had a habit of avoiding situations that would be to hot. A high of 95°F (35°C, 308K) is enough to keep me from venture out during the day unless it is an absolute necessity. The winter is little better than the summer. There are few things I look less forward to than getting onto a heated bus in my winter garb. Everywhere I go in the winter has the heat cranked and I must immediately shed all layers. Spring and fall are the best seasons for me, because it is generally temperate inside and out.

I cannot afford any of the treatments for hyperhidrosis and proper treatments are hard to get covered. I have bigger things to deal with anyway, hyperhidrosis just makes them harder to deal with.

i had spaghetti in tomatoe sauce with mushrooms and parmesan cheese for breakfast
macaroni and cheese for lunch
cheese enchiladas for dinner
no healthy snack
no exercise
and i ate most of a large popcorn while watching finding neverland
i'm not doing very well at project three meals
i can't give up
my endocrinologist warned me about diabetes
i've really gotta watch it
i feel like such a failure
i can't seem to do it
i really want to, but i have no willpower
i hate myself
i can't take care of myself
fuck me

My endocrinologist told me I needed to lose weight, but she didn't tell me how much I needed to lose. I weighed in at 219lbs at her office. I know I'm overweight, and with my risk factors for diabetes that's not good. But I'm worried I'll take weight loss to far. I've done it before. I've had problems with both anorexia and bulimia. I don't want to go back to that. I'm going to be careful and listen to those around me. If people start telling me to stop losing weight, I will. I hope that is enough to keep me in bounds.

I missed my appointment with my primary care doc this morning. But I made my other two. The first one I made it to was my endocrinologist. We discussed the regular hormone issues and she did an examination. We also talked about diabetes. I have a family history of diabetes and am on Geodon, which increases my risk. She is concerned that my increased weight is a unnecessary additional risk factor. She wants me to see a dietician and lose some weight. I don't know if I want to see a dietician, but I will try to follow her orders about weight loss. One thing she wants me to do is exercise, so every day I'm going to try taking a half hour walk. Furthermore, I'm going to start Project Three Meals again, that's three reasonable meals and a healthy snack. I think I'm going to include the exercise as a part of my third attempt at Project Three Meals. This means no more junk food for me.

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Robin (my therapist) and I went through my record. First she read me Sonali's notes (a therapist I saw 2 years ago). I've improved greatly since then. The difference between then and now made me smile, because if I continue to improve at the same rate, I can imagine where I'll be at in another 2 years.

Next we went over Fatima's notes (my therapist before Robin and after Sonali). There was a shock in there. Fatima thought that I may have "factitious disorder", which means she though I might be faking my symptoms. I'm shocked, because she never said anything about those suspicions to me. Robin said she didn't think I was faking my symptoms and told me that she believe Fatima's assessment was caused by her inexperience. But regardless, it threw me for a loop. I've always worried "what if I'm making this all up?", "what if I'm faking it, even to myself?". I've come to the conclusion that I'm not faking it, but I still worry sometimes. It's a natural fear, because so many people don't believe in dissociation. I don't like that fear, and it hit me right in the face when the notes were read to me. I'm happy I have Robin as my therapist now, who seems to understand these things better.

I have three appointments on Monday. At 8:45 I see my primary care physician. At 1:00 I see my endocrinologist. And at 4:15 I see my therapist. Busy day.

Got to the endo appointment on time. We were very switchy at the appointment. My endo saw the cuts on the arm, and noticed how we were acting, so she sent us downstairs to the psychiatric emergency room.

Before I went downstairs, she also give us a prescription to estradiol. No more hourse pee for me.

Before sending me down, she told me our weight is not unhealthy. That we shouldn't lose any more weight, but if I maintain my weight where it is now in a healthy manner, it is okay. The only reason I'm at a healthy weight now is because I've been smoking pot. I've gained quite a bit of weight since I started. This is a good thing. Now I just need to stop purging and start controlling my binges. Not going to be easy, but will be worth the effort.
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I spent about 4 hours in the psychiatric emergency room, mostly waiting. Waiting is a large part of the psych experience.

The visit ended up being a very good thing. First, they're going to try to move up our therapy intake appointment. Second, they got us into a partial program starting tomorrow. I've never been in a partial program, save the 75 minutes I spent at the Triangle Program. I'm a bit nervous about it, but am overall optimistic about it. And, the program is right in Cambridge Hospital, so the commute shouldn't be an issue.

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I came home and crashed for many hours. Very strange sleeps. My sleeps have in general been strange lately. I tend to drift in and out of sleep consistently confusing the dreaming and waking worlds. Both become intertwined in a way that can be quite scary at times. Bed isn't something I look forward to these days.

I have an endo appointment early in the morning. I'm intend on making it. Instead of getting up at 7:00am to make it out in time, I'm just going to simply up all night.

I seem to be writing this backwards, but that's okay.

Before I went to Whimsy and before I lost time, I had an appointment with my endo. It went well. I had to give up some blood. I got my new prescriptions. I just wish she warmed up her hands before the breast exam.