I'm back in Boston. I had a great deal of fun with My sister, niece, brother-in-law, and mom. Maddie is a little ball of energy. Well, not little, she's quite big for a 7 year old. Smart and creative, but I just can't keep up with her.

The day I arrived, Thursday, we pretty much stayed around the house and relaxed. My mom had already been there for several days and was already settled in.

Friday, Christian stayed home while Maddie, Bridgette, my mom, and I went down to Georgetown. We hit Lush and Godiva and went to Dean & Deluca for lunch. While I've seen central meter machines in parking lots, I'd never seen a central machine for street parking before. I guess it is more efficient than having a separate parking meter for each spot, I'm just not used to it. The biggest disadvantage I see with the central machine system is that if it breaks down it disrupts the use of a number of parking spots at once.

Saturday we drove into Virginia through wine country and went to Linden Vineyards (nothing to do with Second Live). That was my favorite part of the trip down. Relaxing doesn't even begin to describe the place. Surrounded by rows of grapes and vine watching the clouds shadow-dance on the Blue Ridge Mountains. The cigar Christian gave me to smoke at the vineyard not only went perfectly with the cheese and wine, but also with the surrounding tranquility.

Sunday, I got up later than I had planned, but not so late that it caused any hassle in catching my flight. Upon leaving, Christian gave me some cigars, along with a 15-pack of Rocky Patel vintage 1992s, one of my favorites. My mom gave me a wonderful dragon cane when I arrived at the house and I was a bit worried about getting on the flight with 2 canes, but I didn't have any hassle and the return trip from Reagan National to Logan went smoothly.

I had hoped to get some good bird pictures, but unfortunately my birding camera is not working. I noticed it my first day there. It seems to be a connection problem with the battery prongs, which should be repairable. But, I was glad to see that Maddie loved birds and birdwatching despite her father's hatred of them.

Is God benevolent or malevolent? Does God love us? Is God wrathful?

These questions are fitting to ask of some man with a flowing grey beard that lives in the sky, but they are unanswerable as to God as All.

God is not only the sky above and the ground below and all that dwells in those places. God is not only everything we can touch, God is more.

God is all creation all destruction. God is life and and God is death. God is the bleeding wound and the passionate kiss. God is the roar as well as the silence.

God is all beliefs and doubts. God not just the concept of heaven and hell, but the concept that there is an above and below. God is the ideas we think as well as the air we breathe.

God is all emotions. God is all love and all hate. God is all benevolence and all malevolence. God is all wrath and all forgiveness.

God is our mathematics and our law. Our fears and our courage. Our arts, our poetries, our languages and the metaphors behind them. The truth as well as the lie.

God is energy and matter. God is the motion of the falling rock as well as the rock that falls.

God is the Happening that is the Becoming. God is what was, will be, and has been. God is even that which is not, has not been, and will never be; if what is not, has not been, and will never be is but thought.

God is the All of Everything, the Universe of Universes. This is why there can be nothing greater than God. No threat needed, no coercion. There can be none greater than All that Is, because anything else is simply part of the Everything.

I finally understand death and I am no longer afraid of it. Even though I have no reason to expect to die in the near future, the idea of not existing has disturbed me to some degree for as long as I can remember. The idea of reincarnation brought little solace, because if even if my "soul" would go on, my memories and my experiences wouldn't. That hardly seemed like a continued existence, I still felt as if I were facing the nothingness.

It took something from the Brihadaranyaka Upanishad for me to really understand the process of death and reincarnation:

When body and mind grow weak, the Self gathers in all the powers of life and descends with them into the heart. As prana leaves the eye, it ceases to see. "He is becoming one," say the wise; "he does not see. He is becoming one, he no longer speaks, or tastes, or smells, or thinks, or knows." By the light of the heart the Self leaves the body by one of its gates; and when he leaves, prana follows, and with it all the vital powers of the body. He who is dying merges in consciousness, and thus consciousness accompanies him when he departs, along with the impression of all he has done, experienced, and known. As a caterpillar, having come to the end of one blade of grass, draws itself together and reaches out for the next, so the Self, having come to the end of one life and dispelled all ignorance, gathers in his faculties and reaches out from the old body to a new. As a goldsmith fashions an old ornament into a new and more beautiful one, so the Self, having reached the end of the last life and dispelled all ignorance, makes for himself a new, more beautiful shape, like that of the devas or other celestial beings. The Self is indeed Brahman, but through ignorance people identify it with intellect, mind, sense, passions, and the elements of earth, water, air, space, and fire. This is why the Self is said to consist of this and that, and appears to be everything.

My fear of death was founded on my fear of letting go of my worldly memories, knowledge, and ideas. That somehow letting go of these things was letting go of me. But these things are not me. Letting go of these things is deconstruction. I've gone through deconstruction in life, why should I fear it in death? Why have I for so long clinged to the idea that I must be defined by what are essentially mortal things. Death is simply a change, a paradigm shift. There is nothing to fear in death, and I shall worry on it no longer.

we are as immortal as the universe
as ancient as eternity
only from are incarnate forms do we see the illusion of the finite
this is the only place, because it is every place
again, as i wrote last night
we are in the middle of forever in the only place we will ever be
i watched the sun rise today
it appears as an awakening
but from what slumber?
has the world ever slept?
has the constant progression of cause and effect every paused?
cause and effect is thought
it is "if this then that"
a simple eternal program out of which all creation is melded
no computer is needed to run this program
it simply is because it must be
it must be simply because it can be
and it can be because it is possible
forget it all and begin again
ad infinitum
forever

see what is coming
forget what was then
the past is the future
the ears of the heavens are closed
we all walk alone
separated by the very nature by which we are connected
we are blind by design
we function as we were created to function
as we created ourselves to function
this world is our doing
we are all guilty and innocent
and we will all suffer in the end
for the pain is what comes for us
weeping will never stop
every lifetime leads to another
past, present and future are none of those things
we forget before we remember
cry out
cry out
and grab what joy can be had
we are in the middle of forever in the only place we will ever be
we will never leave, but always be arriving
we've done this uncountable times and will uncountable more
repetition and recursion are what we are made of
looped logic posing as thought, energy, and matter
become comfortable with not existing
no one ever has

winter is in this room
it is cold here
the energy is of music playing off-tune and backwards
i do not like my room anymore
i need to change it
but i don't seem able to
and the cold and the mess and the horribleness overwhelms me
i do not like my room
i need to change it

While the doc says that I'll probably still be leaving tomorrow, they are considering keeping me all winter, and if I come back here again in the near future, I will probably end up spending the winter here.

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More results have come back on my blood work. I am deficient in vitamin b₁₂. Quite deficient. They are going to give me a b₁₂ shot later today. My dad says b₁₂ shots are very good and give you lots of energy for weeks, so I'm looking forward to my shot and to getting out tomorrow.

posted by merryperseis

so here i am.
strobe in the back
sitting at the keyboard
i am supposed to be typing something
something hopefully interesting
when read later by me or others

the music mixes with the light
touches the light
i see the music
i see the interference patterns it makes with the strobe light
i am still sitting here
that's the sitting here update
that's to remind myself what i'm doing
i'm sitting here typing
if i didn't occasionally remind myself of that
i would forget
and i don't know exactly where that would leave us
if i forgot that i was here typing. sitting
no corrections
keep the stream
bubbles of reference
the music and strobe are beautiful
everything moves with me
edit thought
there are places i don't want to go
i know they are there
i don't know where they are
i don't want to know where they are
i don't want to there
in my mind are these places
it hurts when i get to close
it hurts now.
i don't like thinking about those places
i'll stop doing that
flashing light
purple
colours
rainbows
pre-paid phone card
look
touch
dance
refreshing energy
echoing slightly
i don't want to go into echoing
but i'm echoing on purpose right now
so i might as well go into echoing
echoing is very complicated
i don't want to make this post about it
anyway. i will end with and explanation
echoing is thinking about how you would describe an event instead of more purely experiencing it.
that's the end of this post.
or rather this is.

Just got back from a walk around Arlington and Spy Pond. I have been taking these walks the last couple of nights, and plan to make them a regular habit. I start out around 3:00am and get back around 4:30am. The night air is so free and calm and peaceful. Little interference in the energies. I love it. It refreshes me. Calms me. Carpe noctum.

I was released at noon Thursday. purpleglitter picked me up and took me out for Indian food. I was very glad to see her and be wandering about again. We bounced around town a little bit, then headed to the house_of_clocks.

A couple hours after we arrived at the house_of_clocks, merryperseis came home. With her, she brought Indian food. We all ate what she had brought and sat in the kitchen and talked. It was very good to be able to hug her without getting squawked at by the nurses.

I had been planning on getting drunk Thursday night, but I changed my mind. I simply had one drink and crazymaureen came over. Her, purpleglitter, pillowkisser and I sat in the livingroom and talked. crazymaureen brought even more Indian food. I guess I'm well known for liking it.

I had forgotten why I liked spending time with crazymaureen, it's been so long. But, now I remember. There's something about her energy. She's unique and herself, and not afraid to be so. She's made some mistakes, true, but I she means well. Old friends are good.

purpleglitter spent the night. Someone to cuddle in with on the first night home. I very much liked that. Warm against the cold outside.

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Yesterday was my first day at the partial. I arrived late because I didn't realize I was going to actually go until after 9:00am. I had many panic attacks during the program, but all in all I'm glad I went. There are 2 people there that were there last time I went. One never left and the other has returned like me. I'll be heading back Monday.

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pillowkisser and I met bathofblood and ms_brass at the Diesel Café. I was having a good time, but unfortunately had a very bad panic attack and had to leave early.

pillowkisser forgot her hat, so we returned to get it. Back at the Diesel, charliegrrrl invited us to attend the polyamory circle, which was meeting in the back. We did, and met several interesting people, several of whom I gave wish pods to. After about an hour, we decided we ought to be heading back home, so excused ourselves and left.

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Back at home, pillowkisser, merryperseis and I congregated in my room. merryperseis and I had drinks while the three of us listened to music and talked. We had a very merry time, and around 2:00am pillowkisser went back to her room and merryperseis and I fell asleep in each other's arms.

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At some point today, I plan on posting much about the experience of my recent hospitalization.

Yesterday afternoon, I went to the Great Meadow with riga_mortia. According to weather.com the high yesterday was going to be 76°F. I can tell you with absolute certainty that it was much hotter than 76°F. I would have worn a significantly cooler outfit had I know what the temperature was really going to be. I was a sweaty mess by the time we reached the entrance to the Great Meadow.

Inside the Great Meadow, we walked for a while, until in the heat we could go no farther. We rested in some convenient shade. Unfortunately, a swarm of mosquitos had found the same shade convenient.

Avoiding the mosquitos we walked back to the clearing with the picnic table. There we ate strawberries and drank tea and enjoyed the beautiful view. The relaxation and happy conversations while staring over the swamplands made the rest of the trip worth it.

Walking back, we noticed that the temperature had cooled down a lot. I wish we had taken the trip and hour or two later, but we enjoyed ourselves, regardless.

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Yesterday evening was spent with purpleglitter. The cooling air made our respective intoxicants more refreshing. purpleglitter was full of poems again last night. It's amazing watching her create. She has an energy unlike any other while she is writing. I love watching her. I love being with her while she writes. And, of course, I love reading (or being read) the finished product of her labors.

Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared, therefore when you have negative energy you weigh less.