What the fuck?

As part of the current pattern of actions, this is quite alarming — it demonstrates that SUP/LJ now actively and openly disapproves of and targets specific groups.

I started work on a new staff/cane yesterday. My current one needs occasional maintenance, and there are many times I need a walking aid. I used a small hacksaw (the only appropriate cutting tool I have) to cut the windfallen branch down to size, peeled off the loss bark, and sanded it. Later today I plan to apply the first coat of polyurethane.

My old staff (which I may start calling my serpent staff to avoid ambiguity of which staff I'm referring to) will continue to be very special. It was a gift from the tree færies, and has come to symbolize many things for me. It is unique and cannot be replaced. The new staff is too young yet to see what if any spiritual meaning or purpose it might have or develop. But, if nothing else it will serve as a cane when I am not using the old one, which might be a good idea on many occasions simply to reduce wear.

There are things that I try to say. Things that cannot be said because for such things there can be no words. Many people will therefore find much of what I say nonsensical. I am by far not the only one who sees these things, I am just one of those who is foolish enough to attempt to speak them.

I talk of demons and of angels and of monsters and of God. I remember the walls stained with blood and I know where the devil lives. I have wandered between the dreaming and waking to where I could no longer distinguish one from the other. I am friends with færies and do business with ghosts. I have walked the asylums and tasted their zombie potions. I do not speak in the polite language of the day. I am mad, of course. And that is that.

i though at first the færie bubble bugs had returned
but it is just snowing

I accidentally banged my staff against the curb, and in the winter's cold it snapped roughly in the same place that it broke last time. It is a reminder to keep mindful and not to take things for granted as this happens again when I am becoming lost.

I will put my staff back together again, as I have put myself back together so many times. I have again used gorilla glue, and it is setting in the playroom clamped with the færie wire. I plan to put a bolt through the fracture in the very near future to better secure it. My staff will then be a merging of the city and the wild. A unity in nature.

I broke my staff. I had put it on my bed and I sat on it. I am such an idiot. I need to remember that it is just a thing. That it was mine when it needed to be mine and now maybe i don't need it. Maybe it was meant for me for a small period of time and then it is gone. Maybe something else. I haven't been meditating and praying enough. I feel like I'm slipping back into the fog of the everyday. Maybe I need to capture back that sacred space of the soul that seems to be slipping away. It is something that needs to be fought for. A constant effort. Maybe the breaking staff tells me I'm losing my way. I've made an attempt to fix the staff with gorilla glue held down by a bolt of wire i bought to make færie wings. Oddly symbolic as I've left to the faeries to supervise the mending of my gift from the færies. Maybe I should be less beating myself up over breaking the staff and looking to the symbolism of what is occurring. Find the meaning in this. There is too much here for their not to be meaning.

There is a 50/50 chance that my therapist will suggest that I check myself in to the hospital today. What still a possibility, the chance that she'll actually force me to go into the hospital is much less than that. She has shown herself to be very reluctant to commit forced psychiatry, and I really like that. I don't know what I feel about a hospital visit. Many of those around me think I need one, but I don't trust that it'll make me feel better. I think they'll try to give me thorazine and I won't feel better, I'll just feel immobile. And more immobile is definitely not what I need to feel right now.

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If I don't end up in the asylum today, I'm going to go to work making the branch I found under the trees along the shore of spy pond into my new cane. I need to finish it before my current cane gives out. I hate that I destroyed what purpleglitter so thoughtfully gave me. I feel very very awful about it, I loved that cane - it has even whiskey flask and a now-dead compass! It was stylish and went with my wardrobe perfectly. I can't believe I destroyed it. But, in the words of Plautus, "factum est illud, fieri infectum non potest" – done is done, it cannot be made undone. My new cane will be more sturdy and crafted by myself out of a gift from the winterclad tree færies.

gacked from lady_babalon:

VILLAGERS who protested that a new housing estate would “harm the fairies” living in their midst have forced a property company to scrap its building plans and start again. Marcus Salter, head of Genesis Properties, estimates that the small colony of fairies believed to live beneath a rock in St Fillans, Perthshire, has cost him £15,000. His first notice of the residential sensibilities of the netherworld came as his diggers moved on to a site on the outskirts of the village, which crowns the easterly shore of Loch Earn. full story

If, here in the United States, I was to share my concerns for the welfare of færies with my therapist, I would be told (yet again) to take a significant regiment of antipsychotic medication.

A couple days ago, I was smoking a chocolate-flavoured cigar with iamacliche and I figured out what the bubbles were. They were bugs. I saw them again behind his apartment building. They were little white bugs with white wings. They had a wingspan of about 3mm. In the hazy sunlight they looked just like tiny bubbles. Those around me have suggested I get my vision checked, as confusing bugs with bubbles could be an eyesight problem.

As they were real and just misinterpreted, seeing them was not a psychotic symptom. Even if my eyes are having problems, my image recognition processer still needs to be tweaked. Part of good image recognition processing is being able to compute a reasonable estimate of the probability of error, which my brain failed to do. My circuitry is a bit clanky, but it is still adaptable. I think that's why I have an affinity for jerryrigged items such as Oz: my brain is jerryrigged too.

Walking to the house_of_clocks from purpleglitter's apartment yesterday afternoon after the rains I kept seeing something quit strange. So strange that I'm not quite sure it was real. Ever so often a swarm of little tiny bubbles would fly up in front of me and I'd have to dodge them. It happened on the way back to purpleglitter's apartment, too. And again later when I left to see lady_babalon.

I truly believed that the bubbles were real. Even at this point I'm not convinced that they were an odd phenomenon caused by the rainwater interacting with something in the concrete of the sidewalk. Of course, I know that this isn't likely, especially since I only ever saw the bubbles right in front of me. However, the fact that I believed they were real makes it possible that the bubbles were some sort of psychotic feature. Psychotic features are supposed to be bad. But, I wonder if they are only bad if they get you in trouble. Me seeing the bubbles has caused myself and no one else any harm or distress.

And who knows? Maybe they were just færies just out for a good time.

I saw my sister (ellynx) Friday. Haven't seen her in quite some time. It was great seeing her. She took me out to eat, and bought me fruit, vegetables, nuts, and Lady Cottington's Pressed Fairy Book. She's lobbying now, representing mutual fund companies. Sounds terribly boring to me, but she love politics and she's getting paid to play, so it's all good for her.

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I really should post more. I'm still feeling very uncreative. And when I feel uncreative I don't post that often. I need to make an effort. Maybe more stream of consciousness posts would help. They're easy and fun to write, however I don't know how fun they are to read.

Spent the night at purpleglitter's apartment. Santa found me here. He left a handmade Snape pocket shrine, 2 pairs of slippers, a journal with Victoria's Secret models all over it, a Victoria's Secret færie doll, a velvet "neitherday" choker, lip gloss, foot cream, and candy. Happy happy morning. purpleglitter doesn't even have a chimney, I wonder how he got in.

there are tree spirits outside my window looking in. i watched them for a little while. there was first a male tree spirit. then a female tree spirit appeared. The male was very slender with long arms and longer legs. The female was shorter and had the most beautiful curve to her breasts. They were slightly differently shaped then human breasts, but still a very pleasing shape. i watched them for a little while. watching me. it's really neat to have fae around.

Today I discovered something at Trader Joe's I hadn't noticed before. Marinated mushrooms. I haven't tried them yet, but the whole jar has only 80 calories. I'm planning to try them out with the movie I picked up at the video store, "Gladiator". Didn't want to watch anything heavy tonight and it got great reviews.

Didn't get any material for the wings today, because Lake and I decided we need to conserve money this month. Next month, when we have roommates, we'll be in a much better position.

Today has been a very productive day. Lake and I have done quite a bit of work on sorting through debris. I cleaned out (threw out most of) the mess in the paperjunk drawer. In about an hour and a half I'm going to head out and once again attempt to get material that will work for the wings I'm making. As soon as I've cleared enough space in my room, I plan on attempting construction once again.

Within the paperjunk drawer I did find a little something I wrote back in 1999, entitled "Things Start Simple".

Things Start Simple Things start simple. Things start simple, yet get more complex. Things start simple, yet things get added, making them more complex. Things start simple, through constant revision and rethinking things get added, making them more complex. Things start simple, through constant revision and rethinking things get added, making what originally was a simple statement, a more complex one. Things tend to start simple, but rarely stay that way, as the process of constant revision and rethinking makes additions and amendments, so that what originally was quite simple becomes quite complex. Many things start simple, but few stay that way, as most things suffer an unending process of revision and rethinking that makes additions and amendments. This process, while intended to make things easier to understand, tends to make what was originally something simple quite complex. Most things in this world start very simply, but few stay that way. People are never satisfied with the way things are, and so subject most things to an unending process of revision and rethinking that adds and changes the very nature of what something is. This process, while intended to simplify the complex world we live in, is actually the reason our world is so complex. Most things in this world were once simple, but have over time become more complex. People seem unable to satisfy themselves with the way things are, and so subject everything around them to a constant process of revision and rethinking that adds, changes, or enhances the very nature, idea, or purpose of what something is. This process, while intended to make things understandable, more usable, or less time consuming in a world where time and peace of mind are very valuable, actually have the opposite effect, and is indeed the cause of the complexity of the world we live in.

Lake just got up and told me I pretty much took my Seroquel yesterday and went to bed shortly thereafter.

I'm going to meet Mitzi tonight at the Diesel Café. Mitzi is someone else I want to make a pair of wings for. Right now I don't have the money to try more material. I'll probably be able to get some by the end of the week. I'm hoping that maybe Mitzi will want to work with me with the wings. Maybe making dresses to go with specific wings. I don't want to bring the idea up with her until I've gotten several of my new style wings made. If I'm correct, these wings will turn out 1000 times better then the wings I've made in the past. Not that the wings I've made are crappy, just the new ones will be a great improvement.