I walked around Arlington and Cambridge yesterday without a cane. i'm experimenting to see if I can (at least temporarily) leave them at home. I don't like having to carry one. I almost fell down at a couple points, but I didn't. While not completely inactive, my vertigo issues seem to be at a relatively inactive point. I know that I'll probably need to take a cane with me again in the future — but if I'm not going to be falling every day, I don't need to bring my cane with me every day, eh? I can take the occasional tumble, especially since I'm wearing thick fake fur coats with padding to dampen any falls that do happen.

I had a swell time at the x_bluerose_x's party last night. I very much liked the banana chocolate goodness of Sex in the TARDIS as well as the strange Liqor 43 brontosproximo brought. I got a little more sloshed than I intended, and while I was not falling down drunk (which I haven't been in many years), I still managed to achieve stupid drunk (which I haven't been in quite a while either).

The crowd was jolly, and the floor show at the end was... well... interesting.

The more I think about it, the more I know Rob killed himself. Over the past couple years, I've found myself repeatedly looking at his last entry, trying to make sense of it. Or perhaps, trying to avoid making sense of it. He rode his bike off that cliff intentionally. He felt dead when he was alive. He wanted to be alive, and thought death was the only way to accomplish that. I hope he found what he was looking for.

I miss him.

Heading off shortly. I'm a bit worried about the possibility of falling at the airport. I've been having less vertigo episodes the last couple weeks, but I'm still having at least one severe one daily and I won't have a staff or cane with me at the airport. Most of my time at the airport will be spent sitting and if I'm sitting an episode won't be a problem, so my chances of a good trip are pretty high. Nevertheless, I'm worried. I don't want a huge hassle at the airport. Nothing I can do about it though. Qué será, será.

I want to lie down. But, lying brings sleeping and sleeping brings waking and waking is not good at all. My falling down/seizure/dizzy/whatever the hell they are spells are particularly intense and particularly nasty upon waking and I attempt to limit waking to once a day — even a half-minute of slumber can be enough to set things off.

I've had several people complain about my appearance, saying something must be done. I look to ratty, my clothes are often tattered. I should die my hair or at least brush it more often. Wear lipstick. Do something.

However, I like how I look. I feel comfortable in my own skin. I've stopped trying to fit into a mold or a subculture. I'm exploring my own ground. And while I may get a little down about my weight now and again, I'm finding peace there too. I don't want to go back to being the bulimic stick I was years ago. I might be "overweight", but I'm pretty healthy (well, except for the falling down/seizure/twitchy/dizzy/whatever the hell they are spells).

I don't mind that people think I look like some "crazy woman". I am a crazy woman. I embrace that. It took me a long time to be comfortable in my skin. To be comfortable being what I am. I have come to realize of late that beauty is not about who or what you are, it is about not fighting who or what you are. I'm letting myself be me, and I like it.

I am not saying that there isn't room for improvement or bettering. While I have come far, I have a long way to go still. But as I move ahead I want to add more than replace. I no longer don't want to be me, and those who want me different will have to get used to that.

I started work on a new staff/cane yesterday. My current one needs occasional maintenance, and there are many times I need a walking aid. I used a small hacksaw (the only appropriate cutting tool I have) to cut the windfallen branch down to size, peeled off the loss bark, and sanded it. Later today I plan to apply the first coat of polyurethane.

My old staff (which I may start calling my serpent staff to avoid ambiguity of which staff I'm referring to) will continue to be very special. It was a gift from the tree færies, and has come to symbolize many things for me. It is unique and cannot be replaced. The new staff is too young yet to see what if any spiritual meaning or purpose it might have or develop. But, if nothing else it will serve as a cane when I am not using the old one, which might be a good idea on many occasions simply to reduce wear.

For breakfast yesterday I had a veggie burger with basil mozzarella cheese and barbecue sauce; for lunch I had pizza balls with basil mozzarella, faux ham, and faux turkey topped with parmesan cheese; for dinner I had spaghetti in pizza sauce with parmesan cheese; for my healthy snack I had cashews.

Food went well, but I only got half of my half hour of exercise in with a walk up to Arlington Center and back in last evening's thunderstorm. Getting in my exercise is going to be hard right now because I've been having lots of wobbly/dizzy/fally/seizurey/whatever-the-hell-who-knows-the-doctors-apparently-don't episodes, but I will not let that be an excuse. I will continue to try to make Project Three Meals work. I refuse to let this crap control my life.

I've been having falling/dizzy spells/seizure/whatever the fuck it is issues again. I've had felt a bit more wobbly over the last week, but it's really spiked the last couple days. According to merryperseis, my eyes dilated at the beginning of the episode on the bus coming home from the North End on Friday. This does not surprise me, as one of the major symptoms of the episodes is muscle weakness and poor coordination which often makes eye focus difficult, so eye dilation would make sense. However, as this is only time eye dilation has been noted in conjunction with one of these episodes, and I would prefer it to be noted again to designate it as a symptom instead of as a coincidence.

Yesterday was much worse than Friday. My morning walk an with taiaselene was without incident. I was fine until the afternoon, which went horribly. An incident that while waxing and waning lasted for well over an hour. There was in addition another significant episode in the evening, though shorter and less severe than the afternoon one.

Of course, there is no way of really knowing where this is going and when the cycle will wane again. I am using a cane/staff again when I go out and will until this bares itself out. I will not let these episodes keep me from going for my walks and other outdoor activities. I refuse to let this control my life. Sure, that increases the chance that I might be sent to the emergency room by the unduly worried — but that just means I'll have an opportunity for a cathartic release of anger at whatever asshole doctor I get. Works for me.

light
darling, i see the light
i have swam in the light
but i know the darkness too
i am neither angel nor demon and both at the same time
i look through the fury
and try to keep balance
sometimes i fall, but i still stand

Food perfect. For breakfast I had spaghetti in tomatoe sauce with spinach and parmesan cheese; for lunch I had Spanish rice with faux pork; for dinner zarthon took me out to Rudy's where I had enchiladas verdes, chili con queso, and jalapeño poppers; for my healthy snack I had a caffeinated cliff bar. I wanted to walk home from Rudy's for my exercise, but both zarthon and purpleglitter were very much against the idea because of the number of spells I've been having lately. They insisted I ride home with them, which I did. Sooner or later I'm just going to have to say fuck it and get in my exercise regardless of the spells. I have to live my life, and that means taking risks.

I have been using my staff/cane to get around again. The gorilla glue works well holding it together, but fails when the staff is subjected to lateral forces. To strengthen the break in this regard, I tightly wound twine around it. I then coated the twine with wood glue to keep it from unraveling. I'm contemplating staining the twine, because it is much lighter than the rest of the staff. I have the stain, I just haven't decided if I want to.

I've been getting comments that my staff looks like a shillelagh. I have heard "Nice shillelagh." several times the past couple days. While I never intended it to be a shillelagh, the comparison is oddly pleasing to me.

Didn't do so well again at Project Three Meals today, but i keep going. I had pizza for breakfast, For lunch I had gluten, mushrooms, and baby corn marinated in soy sauce then stir fried. For my healthy snack I had a pickle. zarthon took purpleglitter and me out to Rudy's for dinner where I had chili con queso, enchiladas verdes, and fried ice cream. I also had a cry baby italian ice from the Ice Stand by Spy Pond.

I didn't get any exercise of note in. Exercise has proved to be a difficult issue because I've been having more issues with dizziness or whatever the hell these spells are where I get twitchy and have difficulty walking. They got better for a while, but seem to be waxing again. Nothing near what they were at their peak last winter and it's not really a good excuse for not getting my exercise in, but it is a mental deterrent to doing so. I need to just fucking go out and take my walks.

I can do better. I will do better.

I went to meet scattermew at the Diesel yesterday. I got there on time, sitting along the wall towards the back. I waited for about an hour occasionally looking for her. I never saw her. Once I arrived home, I called her and asked her what happened. Apparently she was only a couple seats down from me, arriving just shortly after I did, but I never saw her. That's understandable, because while I was fine when i arrived at the diesel, I became progressively more out of it as I sat there. My looking around for her was not done efficiently because I didn't have the focus (visually or mentally) to do an efficient scan.

On my way home my cane broke in two. I knew it was going to happen soon, but it still made me much sad. I am now using the cane I'm making from the windfall branch I found by Spy Pond. I am far from done working on it, but it is all I have for now, so even in it's transitional state it will have to do. I will continue to work on it and hopefully finish the job in the near future.

These things happen, but it disheartens me because I only have a limited amount of funds and physical stamina to go out and meet people, and while I like being social I'm beginning to think that at this point it may be more trouble than it's worth.

Walking back from Mass Convenience, I was accosted by a man who looked around 40 and seemed to be slightly inebriated yelling at me "You don't need a cane.". It is exactly attitudes like that that made me resist using a cane for so long. I realize that a good deal of the time I can walk perfectly fine without a cane. But during my episodes, which have been very frequent of late, it is very hard to walk and often very hard to simply stand. I have managed to stay off the ground a good many times because of my cane, and when I do end up on the ground the can helps me get back up. There are also many times where I am able to remain mobile with the help of the cane when without it I would be stuck. With balance and coordination so often issues, the cane has given me much more confidence when i go out, and I've been able to do a lot more since I've been using it. I DON"T WANT TO HAVE TO CARRY A CANE, BUT RIGHT NOW I DON"T SEE ANY OTHER CHOICE.

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I did manage to do some work on my new cane today, as the cracks in my old one are getting larger and it is only a matter of time before it snaps. I would like to stop using it BEFORE that happens, as I rather like it and would like to keep it around in one piece even if I no longer use it. I sawed off the excess length pealed off the easily removable bark. Most of the bark was not easily taken off, and I began sanding. I don't have enough sand paper to finish the job, and even after I pick some up the sanding will probably be several days work as I can only sustain a small periods of vigorous activity these days. There is some rot underneath the bark and I found a strange bug that I did not recognise under the bark that I was able to pry off, but that those things should not be surprising as the branch was lying on the soft earth by Spy Pond for who knows how long. But, it is sturdy and despite its flaws I still believe it will make a fine cane.

I've been having "episodes" all day, more intense since around 1pm. Dizzy, twitchy, fally. More and more often I'm briefly losing consciousness. What was before extremely rare is now uncommon. I don't like the change. I've been trapped in the episode cycle for the last several hours and haven't been able to get out of it. Coming in waves, it sometimes feels I may break free then I'm pushed back down.

This morning, zarthon picked me up for therapy today and took me to the Arlington Diner for breakfast beforehand. Unfortunately, my therapist called to cancel after we had left. I waited over a half hour for her before leaving the clinic. Very frustrating because the people at the sign-in should have known that my appointment was canceled and yet did nothing. I fell down trying to find where zarthon had parked and some idiot bitch (there's some of that venom I was talking about) got security because I wouldn't get up. She didn't call because she was worried, she made that clear by the manner in which she addressed me and by barking at a nice man trying to help me up to not give me a hand. She escorted escorted the nice man to the building leaving me alone on the pavement in the parking lot. She did it because she didn't think the situation looked "proper", because she was another annoying busybody in a world full of annoying busybodies. I did manage to get up with the help of my damaged but still functional cane before security accosted me.

I talked to my therapist on the phone when I got home and have a new appointment Thursday that zarthon will drive me to.

In my last post I mentioned I've been grumpy and venomous towards others. However, for the most part I have not confronted them, it is more in the vein of complaining about at length. And while some of these people have done things I should be complaining about, the amount of complaining I'm doing and the amount of vitriol I'm doing it with often does not match the deeds done. Of course now I'm beating myself up over that. I'm bad. And to add to that I can barely type right now. I'm almost ready to fall off the seat. Everything is dizzy and twitch. I don'

I've been very dizzy and fally today with a smaller degree of twitchiness. I did manage to make it to dan4th's New Year's waffle party. I particularly liked dan4th's gingerbread waffles. I enjoyed being at the party and having good talkings with the people, familiar and new, that were there. When it came time to leave, dan4th offered me a ride because I had been having "dizzy" episodes off and on while at the party. I declined because I felt guilty about taking him away from the party. I didn't want to be a burden. That was a mistake on my part. I made it halfway to the bus stop from dan4h's house when I ended up on the snow the first time. Went down again across the street from the stop. And again waiting at the stop for the bus. The third time, a passerby was worried and called the authorities. Luckily I was able to get up and on a bus before they arrived. However, I had an unusually intense episode while sitting on the bus and lost consciousness. I ended up missing my stop and getting off at Stop & Shop. Stop & Shop is a 20-30 minute walk to the house_of_clocks when I'm doing well, and I didn't have enough money to get back on the bus. I used my last 50¢ to call purpleglitter and ask her for a ride home. Unfortunately she was in Braintree with zarthon and couldn't help me, so I had to walk. It was quite cold and the walk didn't begin well. Almost a half hour after I left Stop & Shop, I had ended up on the ground four times and had traversed relatively little distance. I almost ended up crying in the snow because I didn't see how I was going to make it home. However, I did end up breaking out of the episode cycle and was soon able to walk the rest of the way home largely without problem. Even so, I felt a large wave of trappedness. I don't like feeling that I cannot leave the house without depending on the assistance of others. I don't want people to feel obligated to give me a ride home every time I visit them. I'm worried that people won't want to see me because of that. I feel like I was already a burden and now I'm becoming a greater and greater one. I know that things may not remain this way, that when I see my neurologist again I might get meds that might help me. But with so much fighting, I don't have faith in the medical establishment anymore. I don't have faith things will get better. Maybe I should be more optimistic, but I can't get myself to be. I just can't.

I went back to therapy yesterday evening. It's not my therapist in particular I have a problem with, it's the system as a whole. I think some therapy may be helpful for me at this point, but I am still a bit dubious as to whether I've made the right decision. What really tipped the scale is now that I'm actually getting seriously looked at for my physical issues, I can to some degree afford to talk with a therapist at the very least.

My therapist said that she would help me get the most troublesome and error-ridden parts of my psych record removed. While waiting to sign in, I had noticed in the privacy statement of the Cambridge Health Alliance that I had the right to request any part of my medical record be removed. They then can decide if such removal is appropriate, but if they decide it is not I have the right to appeal to a third party for arbitration. Hopefully it won't go that far, but I'm really looking forward to get the opinions of idiots like Fatima off my record. Hopefully that ball will be fully rolling soon.

We also discussed psych meds. I'm very very dubious about psych meds, but am willing to try another SSRI. I don't trust SSRIs entirely, but IMHO they are the most innocuous of the psych med arsenal. I would also consider something for my anxiety, but the only real options are benzodiaphines and Paxil. I will not go on Paxil, I've known to many people who've gone through the completely horrid withdrawals from it. Sweating, shaking, bugs crawling on the skin kind of withdrawals. None for me thanks. The doctors at Cahill 3 did not want to give me a prescription for benzos because I have a "drug habit". They didn't want to give me a SSRI either, though. They had labeled me as psychotic because I was defiant and caused them hassle. While they gave me Klonopin inpatient and tried to give me Thorazine, they wanted to give me a script for Thorazine. I told them that I'd take meds only if they were prescribed by a neurologist. After much fighting, towards the end of my stay they had the neurologist on call for the unit come up and look at me. They ran a couple test that it took me weeks to get ahold of the results of, and gave me a very small dose of Lamictal. I assumed the Lamictal was related to any potential neurological issues, but I found out at my neurologist's office that on my exit sheets they wrote that the lamictal was for "mood stabilization". He explained that they would give Lamictal to someone who had suspected seizure activity and also needed a mood stabilizer, but the whole thing still seems a bit sketchy to me.

I need to make a couple phone calls today to finalize the dates for my ambulatory EEG as well as set up an appointment with my new prescribing psych nurse. I had good luck with a nurse practitioner instead of a doctor for primary care, maybe a prescribing psych nurse will likewise be better than a psychiatrist.

Another note of interest is that my therapist has not been putting me down as having either DID or PTSD simply as having severe depression. She said that she believes me about such things, but I have not presented as DID in our sessions. That is because over the past year or so I've been fronting the majority of the time and most of the others that occasionally front nowadays are not noticeably different to outsiders. Sure, when someone like Cyndi or Sally front everyone notices. But Cyndi only comes out now on thankfully rare occasions and I haven't seen Sally in quite some time. This seems to be a quiet spell. I'm not sure why and these things are not something I control and even if I could I would not upset what little balance there is now to treat a therapist to a "demonstration".

I will be heading back to therapy next week, because even if I occasionally have issues with her, I've had less with her than any other therapist. I may not agree with her all the time, but she has earned a trust with me. If she doesn't understand something, instead of dismissing it, she researches it. I also do find it helpful to a degree to be able to just let things out in a very free form. She agrees that I was being treated badly at the hospital and that the label of psychotic was applied to me simply to discredit and control me, she is against force psychiatry and has shown that through her actions, she repeatedly states that she believes me, and she agrees that psych meds are overprescribed. Even if she does think that some psych meds would be helpful for me, she respects my decision on what meds I will not take and states that she does not think that I need antipsychotic. I think it would be a mistake to lose her as a therapist, because I am not likely to replace her with anyone quiet so open minded.