found via rm:

Known for gliding along local waterways with statuesque grace, the mute swan is rarely thought of as an environmental hazard. Wildlife experts in Connecticut say that mute swans, like these at Holly Pond in Stamford, devour shoreline vegetation, displace waterfowl and other creatures, and can even attack people. But wildlife experts say that the swan’s elegant facade conceals an ecological menace that devours shoreline vegetation, scares away other waterfowl and can even attack humans. The bird is now a target of a campaign to reduce its numbers in the state’s delicate coastline habitats. The leaders of the effort are conservationists, including the Connecticut Audubon Society, which in the coming months will intensify a campaign to urge state officials to control the swans’ population, which stands at about 1,100. ... Kathryn Burton, president of SaveOurSwans U.S.A., a nonprofit organization in East Lyme, Conn., said the group would actively oppose the Audubon campaign as well. “I’m not going to let it go,” Ms. Burton said. “They really don’t care about the birds. It’s just unjust.” Connecticut’s swan population has more than doubled in the last three decades. Mr. Bull said that one idea for reducing the number of swans was to disrupt the nesting birds’ eggs to limit reproduction, a tactic known as addling. He said the Audubon Society was not suggesting that any of the 1,100 swans in Connecticut be killed — though other states have taken that step. full story

Humans are far more of a threat to the environment than swans. There are only 1,100 mute swans in Connecticut, if the human population of the state were only 1,100 the humans would still have more of an environmental impact, especially if those humans were typical modern Americans.

Environmentalists wanted to kill of the cherry-headed conures in San Francisco, the monk parakeets are always under attack even though they are essentially a replacement species for the extinct Carolina parakeet. Even here in Arlington, the Friends of Spy Pond still hate the geese.

The Audubon society wants to get rid of swans, well in this world nothing should surprise me anymore. Sometimes things still do, but they shouldn't.

I took this picture in the fall. I haven't posted it until now because I've been so nervous about the amount of drama potential of posting it. Fear of being shouted down and demonized for a simple picture. I'm not pro-life, just thought this shot was interesting and had turned out well — but that I am required to explain myself and my reasoning for posting a photograph says something to me about the political climate and what it says isn't good.

Does anyone else find it odd that Turner-owned CNN continued to hype the suspicious devices story even as Turner executives were aware of the situation and what exactly the devices were? If anyone was intentionally spreading fear it was Turner, not Boston Police Department.

Is God benevolent or malevolent? Does God love us? Is God wrathful?

These questions are fitting to ask of some man with a flowing grey beard that lives in the sky, but they are unanswerable as to God as All.

God is not only the sky above and the ground below and all that dwells in those places. God is not only everything we can touch, God is more.

God is all creation all destruction. God is life and and God is death. God is the bleeding wound and the passionate kiss. God is the roar as well as the silence.

God is all beliefs and doubts. God not just the concept of heaven and hell, but the concept that there is an above and below. God is the ideas we think as well as the air we breathe.

God is all emotions. God is all love and all hate. God is all benevolence and all malevolence. God is all wrath and all forgiveness.

God is our mathematics and our law. Our fears and our courage. Our arts, our poetries, our languages and the metaphors behind them. The truth as well as the lie.

God is energy and matter. God is the motion of the falling rock as well as the rock that falls.

God is the Happening that is the Becoming. God is what was, will be, and has been. God is even that which is not, has not been, and will never be; if what is not, has not been, and will never be is but thought.

God is the All of Everything, the Universe of Universes. This is why there can be nothing greater than God. No threat needed, no coercion. There can be none greater than All that Is, because anything else is simply part of the Everything.

You all know by now that I have deep seated anger. I don't know how much longer I can keep it as contained as I have. It's peeking out more and more. I have more short bursts of temper. I have always been afraid to let it loose. Fully. I try to keep it as contained as posible, because once I open this bottle I don't know if I can ever put to top back on. The depth and scope of my rage is so great that it consumes me. It always has. But lately with a combination of pressures both micro and macro, I don't know if I can hold it in at all anymore. I fear I may snap. Soon. Completely lose control. And I don't know what will happen.

set to alpha
dizzy and twitchy
but that's okay
i'm in a tunnel
the monitor is at one end
i feel the fear when i get close
i also feel a strong desire to get away
i begin to think it's not worth it
i'm scared
but i want to know
the fear is so awful
it radiates from it
pure terror
not terror of knowing
the terror of the memories
they steep in it
i can't get close without feeling it
it's so big all i want to do is make it go away
i have to learn to fight through this
if i ever want to know
i have to learn to face down the fear
i have been running from it for so long
hiding out
in the safe corners of my mind
but darkness shines all over now
am i really making progress?
i must learn to fight the fear
to not bow to it
this will be very hard
probably the hardest thing i've ever done
but i have to try
i must know
whatever comes of that knowledge
good or bad
i must be prepared for
that means if it turns out to be one of the unmentionables
we will go directly to the psych emergency room at cambridge hospital
because i know i will be suicidal
but i still want to know
i still want to see
and i'll keep searching until i find it

i find it odd.
i don't want to see others kill themselves
but i so understand the urge
how do we hold on to each other?
why do we keep fighting
because deep inside we're all worried
worried that this is all there is
that we'll miss the good part
but convincing oneself that there will be a good part
that is hard
hesitation
am i a hypocrite?
to talk about my suicidal urges
and at the same time try to convince someone else not to kill themselves
why can't i hear my own words?
why can't i see through the fog?
i hope that a certain someone will still be with us in the morning
i have no way of contacting her, though i read her journal regularly
i only know her username
i'm scared
i know i make other people scared
there is nothing i can do
no way i can really help
my eyes are filled with tears
this world rips into people so
there is too much suffering
too much pain
sometimes i let too much of it in
i can feel the pain
it's too much
where am i going
what am i doing
parallel paths
so many things in common
yet so far away
stop all of it
the wind is calling
i don't know what to do

i feel like i'm hopelessly broken
i hate me
i'm shakey all the time
i'm on a thousand meds
i cause emotional pain to those around me
i want to die
but i'm afraid
sometimes that fear goes away enough to let me try
i'm cold and scared
i'm lost
i just want this to end
these loops leading nowhere
i built this maze too well
i can't find my way through
it hurts
it hurts
i want the pain to stop
get out of my head
stop shaking
fucking stop shaking
get a fucking grip
maybe i need to be institutionalized
but i don't want that
i keep typing the same thing
day after day
i'm getting nowhere
fuck this
let it stop
i want to reach for a blade
feel it on my skin
i want anything
to just stop this
nothing works
there is no solution
i'm trapped in a web
a maze
and a riddle
i keep going down the same paths
there has to be an end
a way out
let me free

it's neitherday
i want to walk in the neitherday air
i cannot
cops prowl the streets
evil transphobic peoples prowl the streets
generally unpleasant folk prowl the streets
it's the wrong night
i am inebriated
trapped inside
i want out
i hate this world
that makes me have to carry rocks
charlie holds them for me
sometimes cho or lily hold them
but lately charlie does
i don't like being afraid
i want to be like shahrazad
she was angry
she was fearless
she was awesome in every way
she knew everything had at least 7 levels of meaning
and she understood them all
she was and is who i want to be
i wonder if she is still alive
she probably doesn't like me anymore if she is
we had a bit of a falling out
it doesn't matter now
the tides of time have drifted so far
echoes of what might have been
if i were who i am
but i was not
and i will not be
and that is how it shall always be

In my dream I was wondering around town with purpleglitter. Everything was going well. zarthon was thinking of starting a gym or an aerobics club called "Rhythms". After wandering, purpleglitter and I laid on the concrete in Porter square and looked at a new store that had just been put in. It was big and white and cubic.

"Would you like a diamond?" I asked purpleglitter

She replied "Yes."

I then said "I would like one, too. But if I had one I'd probably have to pawn it at this point." Thinking a bit I added "But not if it was from..."

I was interrupted by a woman with very short brown hair and a clip board. She asked in a very official manner, "What is your current name?" It no longer felt like a dream. Suddenly I couldn't move. I was panicked. I was terrified of her. I felt she was going to take me away to some place really I didn't want to go. Bring me to a laboratory or space ship or something. Where ever it was it was someplace I'd already been. I wanted to get away, but I couldn't move. I woke up with the most horrible panicked feeling and I'm afraid to go back to sleep. I don't know who she was, but she wasn't part of the dream.

Yesterday afternoon, I went to the Salvation Army with merryperseis and purpleglitter. I got a ton of new clothes for only $15. I didn't get as much summer stuff as I had planned, but I did get a wonderful knee-length piece of lingerie that will make a very nice summer dress.

-----

After we got back from the Salvation Army, we went and fed the geese at Spy Pond. Even the swans ate out of my hand. Only the ducks are too timid. Or too short. Or are simply afraid getting in front of the geese.

merrryperseis brought bubbles. After she was done making bubbles, she let me make them. The geese didn't quite know what to make of the bubbles. They'd inspect them as they floated by and the scurry away if they got too close.

A woman who had her toddler at the pond brought her to see the bubbles. She loved playing in the bubbles. She stayed for about ten minutes as I blew bubbles at her. It was big fun. She kept reaching his hand out trying to catch one. They always seemed to miss her hand and hit her face. She didn't seem to mind. In fact she laughed every time one hit her face.

I took much time to smell the flowers on the way back. Spy Pond is a little piece of paradise right in Arlington.

-----

After Spy Pond, we sat and talked in the livingroom fo an hour or so, then purpleglitter went home. Rosey joined merryperseis and I on a trip to the Diesel Café. The Diesel's front windows can be raised in a garage door type fashion as they were today. We sat at a table right on the edge of the sidewalk, which was very convenient, as Rosey could smoke and talk to us at the same time.

-----

Back at home, merryperseis and I spent a beautiful romantic evening together. The day would have been perfect if I didn't have a freakout in the closet after merryperseis went to bed. I woke her up and she helped me get back into a good state so I could sleep. Even with that sour note, the day was wonderful, One I wouldn't mind repeating.

Morning at the partial program went well. Not as good as yesterday, but it still went well. No exciting groups, however I was told that they were successful in moving up my therapy intake date up. It's now on the 16^th of December.

Things started going badly after I got lunch at the S&S deli with someone from the program. After lunch, I tried to purge, but for some reason wasn't able to get all of it out. I hate it when that happens. I had to digest a lot of food that I really didn't want to. I felt like cutting myself. I couldn't cut at the program. I wanted just ending it all. Couldn't do that at the program either. Silly, all that over calories. But, I felt like such a failure.

I have a strong urge to embrace my eating disorders full force. I've been gaining weight recently, and I want to reverse that trend. I lose weight until I simply disapear. I want to fade away. I want there to be nothing left of me. I don't want to exist anymore.

-----

After the partial program, I saw my pdoc. I told her about how I was doing. She thinks that the reason I have been getting worse is that I went so long without therapy. I think that might have contributed, but I believe the real reason is that the monsters are getting closer.

At the end of the appointment, my pdoc upped my Geodon to 60mg and gave me a prescription to trazodone. Trazodone is wonderful stuff and was one of the few good things about Holy Family. I'm not sure what, if anything, the 50% increase in Geodon will do. 40mg of Geodon have had absolutely no effect.

----

I didn't realize until today just how badly I've been doing lately. I can't make it through the day without having at least one major episode of instability, panic, switchiness, and suicidality. Regardless of how well things may be going on the outside, inside I'm falling apart. Everything has been getting consistently worse over the past few years. And the decent has only increased in velocity over the past few months. The mosters are very close now. I don't know if I'm going to make it. I'm very scared of what's going to happen when the monsters come out completely into the open. Cyndi's right, if I can't handle things now, there's no way I can handle what's coming.

no dreams no dreams no dreams. i remember begging that every night. so long ago. i don't remember the dreams. i don't remember what i was afraid of. but i remember no dreams no dreams no dreams. i just now remember that after so many years. that fear of dreaming. of sleeping. what were in the dreams that i feared so? i wish i could remember, but they are just another among the whispers and echoes. nothing concrete. nothing solid. just whispers and echoes.

Went on a walk late last night. Left the house at 3:00am. I was dressed in my long velvet black dress, with flowing lace sleeves. A hit of red hid under more lace in the front. I packed my purse with various pills and a bottle containing a mixture of Nyquil and Robitussin in it.

Various places to actually take the pills came in mind. I decided upon the hill by the swings purpleglitter and I used to go to.

Immediately after crossing Mill Brook I was accosted by the foot stomping of a skunk. I ran the other way, into a driveway. I remained in the driveway for about 5 minutes, until I was sure the skunk was gone.

While waiting, I decided I should leave purpleglitter a message before I take the pills. I walked up to the Arlington Heights Bus Terminal to use the phone there. Instead of actually calling I kept looking at the pill bottle.

Why I actually didn't take the pills as intended I do not know. There were a lot of possible factors.

Fear, of course.

I'm don't really want to die. It's more that I don't want to live. I don't like life, things aren't going to improve, and death seems like a good option.

No individual thing I had was particularly lethal, not even the mix of Robitussin and Nyquil as it was mostly Robitussin. I was hoping that taking a great many things together would do the trick. However, I was afraid that if I took everything it would just make me extremely fucked up. The police would find me the next morning and take me into the hospital.

I went home when the lightning started up again. Unfortunately, I didn't bring a key with me. merryperseis had locked me out. I didn't want a key, because, I thought not having one would help me not chicken out.

merryperseis's light was still on, but I didn't want to knock and wake up the other roommates. So, I threw some of the pills I'd brought at her window. Apparently, they didn't make enough noise, as she didn't hear them. I ended up getting in through a window around 4:30am.

merryperseis and I had some good talks for sometime in the kitchen. She's a really wonderful person, and I'm glad she's living with us.

However, I'm still not sure that suicide isn't a good option for me. I'm not sure that it is, either. I'm scared and confused and just don't know.

I do have to learn the lessons of my last two "attempts". I need to give up the notion of a "romantic" suicide, and just do it. I am not brave enough. It's not that I don't want to die, it's just that I lack courage. Probably should just do it completely drunk. Alcohol can make up for the bravery I lack. I wanted to stare death down sober, but apparently that is not in the cards. I can't do it. Pathetic, yes. But who cares?

Another issue I need to rectify is getting some quality lethal pills in my possession. The stupid shit I have is not going to cut it. There are plenty of appropriate things over the counter. I don't want to accidentally live, end up in the emergency room and then the psych ward.