The phone and DSL are back up and the ice is melting a bit. However, we're supposed to get a few more waves of ice later today and early tomorrow. After my voice post this morning, I went outside to take some photos and in the few minutes I was out there I heard a tree collapse in the woods nearby. My brother tells me he could hear several large branches or whole trees falling every this morning near him.

-----

I ordered my bus tickets online last night, but ended up with the wrong time for my departure from London. The confirmation has me leaving at 3:50AM, but there is no way I can get a ride to London at that hour. I was planning for my departure time to be 8:00PM. Talking to a Greyhound Canada representative on the phone, I was told that I could use the tickets for any departure time as long as they are for the same day and the same person. I should be fine

*knocks on wood*

Yesterday, I went to therapy for the first time since July. During our talks, my therapist told me that I'm in the final stages of therapy. With that comes the question: "What now?".

It's a difficult question. Moving back into the productive workforce carries a good deal of it's own issues and getting in with a 6 year gap and outdated geek skill will present a challenge. I did really enjoy databases and if I do go back into tech I'd like to go back into designing them. There is something about databases that deeply appeals to me. I've done a small amount of data mining in the past, and that appeals to me even more than design. But, it would be easier to go back to design as that is where my experience really lies. It's been 6 years since I've done database design and I would need some refreshing is in order along with updating my skill set to fit the current environment.

However, I'm not entirely certain I want to go back into tech. It would be the easiest and likely the most lucrative choice available to me, but doing something artistic and/or crafty appeals to me greatly as well. Working on the tangible and creating things that will take on a journey and life of their own. I know that some of my databases are still in use and in that way they've taken on a life of their own, but it's not the same as something you can touch. I want to create and build. I just don't know if that is a viable prospect, as it requires capital to get started and insurance is a pain in the ass for the self-employed.

Going back to school would be a happy thing, perhaps studying math and physics like I started out on over a decade ago now, perhaps studying something else. But, that appears the least likely path right now. Financially I don't see how it could happen.

I am overwhelmed with possibilities. It's like I'm coming out a deep dark cave and can finally see great meadows and mountains and forests in front of me, all wondrous but I must choose if I will head towards the meadows or the mountains or the forests. Eyes opening for the first time, yet again.

I fell into a deep depression last night. I did what I often do when I spiral into a deep depression: pour myself a sizable drink and simply fail to drink any more than a few sips of it. It's a waste of perfectly good alcohol, but at least it means I'm unlikely to become an alcoholic.

I talked to goldmourn on the phone a little past midnight, and that cheered me up a bit. I was still on the depressed side of things, but not in the dark pit I had been before the call. I can't wait to visit her up in Ontario at the end of next month. Judging from the pictures she posts in her journal, the area she lives in is amazingly beautiful with plenty of woods and trail for walking.

Rob (mutehalo) was a good person. He was kind to everyone, didn't have a mean bone in his body. I've missed him since he went missing in August and they found him at the bottom of a cliff yesterday. Apparently he was riding his bike in the woods and went off the side of it. It was an accident. In that I was glad. I was worried something more sinister happened to him. At least it was quick. Goodbye Rob. You are missed. You are loved. Always.

2003 was a bit rocky in places. I was admitted 5 times to psych wards. But, I had no suicide attempts compared with 4 in 2002. During 2003, I cut down on cutting and purging almost to the point of stopping. I'm happy with my pdoc and therapist. I started the year with no significant others, and ended the year with 2 girlfriends. I made a lot of spiritual and emotion progress this year. I'm a very different person than I was at the beginning of the year. I think I'm on a good path now, where at the beginning of the year I was simply wandering aimlessly through the wood. All in all 2003 has been a year of growth, healing, and acceptance. A good year.

strobe light
loud music
turn down
but not off
i saw exploding circles earlier
and posiden
and ritual people in a forest
caring staffs
...
...
...
trauma x
here we are
floating
not thinking so much
purity of thought
moving
...
...
...
i appear to be doing three dots three dots three dots again
...
...
...
will i rebel?
will i slip in an extra dot just to be different?
...
...
...
purity of experience
i love purity of experience
it's just you and i here
hello
...
...
...
how are you?
where do you find yourself now?
why are you here?
...
...
...
what am i doing here?
i'm just sitting here
that is what i am doing
traveling down the page
typing my where somewhere
i'm a bit lost
and don't know where i'm going at the moment
but i'm sure i'll find something interesting
always do
...
...
...
i need to get some acid
pot and the strobe light are one thing
but with acid i think i could break through all this
this
this clutter
meant to distract me
i know
i designed it
i just have to figure out why
but i designed it specifically to hide why
which is very annoying
but i have played this game for many years now
i know how it works
i need some acid
make a few adjustments to the rules
...
...
...
where am i?
in someplace else
i'm not in the outer "reality"
but i'm communicating with it
are you there?
or are you here?
still reading
wondering if i'll rebel
add that forth dot
leave one off
...
...
...
maybe i won't
maybe by not rebelling today i'll be different
i'll rebel by not rebelling
...
...
...
my foot is asleep
i can't move
i am frozen
only my fingers and eyes have movement
everywhere else
i'm frozen
where are the doors
i don't have to move to reach them
i can move the doors toward me instead
...
...
...
good journey

Last Thursday, I went to my 3:00pm evaluation at the Crisis Center at the Lexington Center for Mental Health. We were evaluated by a person name Susan for about half an hour and she determined we were in need of hospitalization. I was okay with that, but made it clear that we did not want to go back to Holy Family. I told them "Anywhere but Holy Family.".

After I had been waiting in the waiting room for quite some time (I don't know exactly how long, time was a blur), Susan came back and told us that she had section 12ed (involuntary committed) us to Holy Family. I told her I wasn't going to go. I asked her to find someplace else. I begged her to find someplace else. She replied that it was too late, I was already section 12ed to Holy Family.

I told her that I wasn't going to back to Holy Family. I started for the door. Susan told me that if I left, she'd have to call the police. I left anyway.

Knowing the police would be coming for me, and that they'd eventually find me, I made my way quickly to the Brooks Pharmacy in a nearby stripmall. At Brooks, I bought 2 bottles of Nyquil, a bottle of sleeping pills, and some candy.

Leaving Brooks, I saw a police car entering the parking lot. I quickly ducked into a clothing store. Pretending to browse behind the racks, I kept an eye on the window. The police car drove slowly by, but didn't see me.

A minute or two later, I peeked out of the store. The police car was still in the lot look in the windows. I quickly and calmly walked in the direction opposite the way the police were heading. I walked into McDonalds and out the other side.

I scurried off into the woods and took the sleeping pills, washing them down with one of the bottles of Nyquil. I also ate a few of the candies.

After the drugs had started taking effect, I decided I wanted to say goodbye to some of those I love. I was in a quite delirious state at the point, and didn't fully realize the risk of capture involved in such an endeavor. I left the woods and walked back to the strip mall. I brought my bag of goodies with me, because I didn't want to litter. I noticed another police car enter the lot, and I quickly ducked back into the McDonalds and sat down at one of the tables.

The police officers spotted me this time. I was pretty unmistakable in my satin and velvet pajamas, silk bathrobe, wild pigtails, and cats eye glasses. I'm sure the officers didn't have much of a problem identifying me at all.

As the police entered, I quickly finished what little was left the bottle of Nyquil, and downed a few stray sleeping pills that had fallen into the bag. Not the wisest move at that point, I admit, but I wasn't thinking very clearly.

The police asked me if I was Karen Luketin. To which I replied truthfully, "No". Our name is Beverly Luketin. I showed them our ID to prove it, holding my thumb over the word "Luketin". I said smugly, "See, my name is Beverly". Of course, the police took the ID, looked at it, and noted that my last name was Luketin. They knew I was who they were looking for.

The preceded to ask me about the pills, about which I was very cryptic. Knowing what I had taken, they called in an ambulance. They told me that they had me on a section 12, and there was nothing I could do.

When the ambulance arrived, the police told the paramedics that they were to wait, that the crisis center was sending it's own ambulance. However, when I collapsed simi-conscious onto the ground, the paramedics said they weren't waiting any longer, and rushed me to the emergency room at Waltham Deaconess Hospital.

The emergency room was a blur. I was plugged up to so many things, I felt like a borg. They fed me much charcoal. Apparently our heart rate went up to 175 while we were unconscious. Throughout the night I drifted in and out of consciousness. I made several delirious phone calls trying to tell people where I was. I kept talking to people, then turning my head to realize no one was there. I was hold and looking at things, only to find my hands were firmly and motionlessly folded on my stomach.

purpleglitter and zarthon tried to visit me around 3am, but the emergency room staff wouldn't let them see me. They were told that they weren't my "real" family, and that they would have to go. I didn't even find out that they had tried to visit until I talked to purpleglitter over the phone the following afternoon.

At some point after that, the emergency room staff decided we were in the clear physically. I was told that we were still going to Holy Family. I was very upset, and started ripping out the monitors and the IV. I told them there was no way I was still going after all that. Four orderlies held me down and I was given an quick injection. I awoke Friday afternoon at Holy Family.

Went to the Great Meadow with grrldan and merryperseis. It was beautiful and the sun trickled through the trees onto our smiling faces. We crossed the stepping stones and sat down in the first clearing we came to.

Our picnic lunch consisted of Fred & Ginger Trail Mix, green olive tapenade on mini toasts, marinated portobella mushrooms with roasted peppers, and orange-carrot juice. While we were enjoying our picnic in the bright sunlight, a dark cloud placed itself over our heads and proceeded to rain on us. It was sunny in every direction, with the exception of the gray rain cloud directly above. It hovered over our heads for a good ten minutes or so, before deigning to move on.

On the walk back, one of merryperseis's feet slipped off a stepping stone and into the stinky bog. Luckily it was not at a deep point along the stones, but it did thoughoutly soak her shoe. However, the shoe dried quickly on the way home in the bright sun.

Went to the Great Meadow with cobweb. We found an alternate route to the stepping stones. We crossed the stepping stones, but failed to find the Magik Pond. There are so many trails, it's hard to find the right one. Regardless, we had a great time walking through the meadow, taking in the views of the swamplands from the wooded hills. We must have gotten in at least 2 hours of walking, probably more.

I brought sandwiches of cheeze, spinach and thousand island dressing on oat bread in a picnic basket, and we had a picnic in a nice clearing. We drank green tea out of my amber coloured glass goblets. Very relaxing and peaceful.

I feel so much better after getting out and romping through the woods in my purple pajamas. I'm planning to make trips to the Great Meadow much more often.