For the first time in history, more than one in every 100 adults in America is in jail or prison, according to a new report released Thursday. The report by the Pew Center on the States’ Public Safety Performance Project said 2,319,258 adults were held in American prisons or jails at the beginning of 2008, which is one out of every 99.1 adults. That's more than any other country in the world. ... One in 30 men between the ages of 20 and 34 is behind bars, according to recent U.S. Department of Justice data, which also shows that men are about 13 times more likely to be incarcerated than females. However, the data shows, the female population is expanding at a faster pace. ... The report said the United States leads the world in incarcerations, far ahead of more populous China with 1.5 million people behind bars. full story

That last part is the most telling. The United States has more people behind bars than China. Not just more people per capita, more people period. It's beyond shameful how many people in the "Land of the Free" aren't free.

Nearly everyone regardless of what side they're on, regardless of what fight they're fighting, believes that they are on the side of good. And most people believe their opponents will use every dirty tactic and nasty trick in the book to win, after all they are evil. Too many use that as an excuse to do ill themselves – in the name of "good" or "freedom" or "justice" or whatever banner they're flying. The mentality is that it it's okay if "our side" does less than ethical things, because we are the "good guys" and it is important that we win. However, since everyone believes they are the "good guys" – if you make an exception for the "good guys", you're making an exception for everyone.

While I was sitting on a bench on the shore Spy Pond last week, I found myself looking down from above at Spy Pond and the autumnal trees of Elizabeth Island. Whether this was some sort of spontaneous out of body experience or a product of dissociation combined with vertigo and a high aptitude for spacial transitioning, I do not know.

Regardless of how I got there, it brought my thoughts to the budgies. The budgies get a lot of out-of-cage time. They fly around a lot in Lake's apartment. But it's not the same. The room has a ceiling and walls. The room has limits and I wish I could give them the sky. They are birds, that freedom is their hatchright. It seems unfair to keep them contained, but there is no realistic other option. To set them free in New England, especially on the dawn of winter, would be to give them death sentences.

We do our best to give them the closest to what they deserve as possible. We try to give them what we hope is a better life than they would have in the wild: providing a constant food supply, healthcare, and freedom from predators. It might not be enough, but it is all that we have to offer.

In therapy yesterday, we discussed why I want to get off disability and back into the job market. I hadn't really thought that much on the question other than that I wanted to.

The reason I want a job is not because I feel guilty in some way for not having one. I don't feel guilty. First, it's only recently that I've been doing well enough to realistically consider getting one. Second, it's not like any job I'm likely to go into is going to make the world a better place or let me do my part or any such crap. Most likely, if I go back into databases, I'm be schlepping code to fill some corporate coffers. The likelihood of landing another non-profit gig isn't terribly high.

The reason is not that I'd simply like to have more money either. Sure it would be nice to not have to count pennies so much, to not worry about how I'm going to pay for rent and oil. But, I'm getting by. Anything else is gravy. Gravy is nice, but not necessary.

The reason is autonomy. I don't want to be beholden to the government for my check. And while I am grateful for those friends who have helped me out when I've been in tight spots, I do not want to be beholden to them for support either. I want to control my own life, and in this hyperquasicapitalist dollar-worshiping society that means holding my own purse strings to as much of an extent as possible. I want to control my income because even if they hold their power benignly, I want to lessen the power others hold over me.

Poll #799024
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All

Abortion: 0 = abortion banned, no exceptions; 10 = abortion free & on demand, no exceptions

Gun Control: 0 = all weapons banned; 10 = military assault weapons and rocket propelled grenades for all

Marijuana legalization: 0 = heavy penalties for anyone caught with any quantity for any reason; 10 = anyone should be free to buy, grow and sell free from all restrictions or sin taxes.

Censorship: 0 = metering out and control all information by government is in the best interest of the people; 10 = no restrictions whatsoever on even the vilest types of porn and hate

Surveillance: 0 = government should keep no information on individuals without express written permission from the individual for each record; 10 = the government should have complete access to all records and should bug and/or tag private conversations

Free Market: 0 = all economic decisions are made by the state; 10 = business should be conducted in whatever manner those doing the business see fit, free of government interference and taxes

According to newly released statistics by the United States government, 1 out of every 136 U.S. residents are in prison and jails; the highest percentage on the globe.

That's sick enough, but almost 12% of black men aged 25-29 are prison or jail. The rate far beyond anything that happened in South Africa during apartheid. Anyone who would say that 12% of black men deserve to be in prison is not only an idiot but also a racist. There is no excuse for that. None.

Furthermore there are currently over 450,000 UNCONVICTED United States Citizens in jail awaiting trial dates in the slow and overburdened court system. There is no right to a speedy trial, no due process, no protection from excessive bail. The constitution does not apply.

The great majority of the people in jail and prison are there for non-violent victimless crimes. The United States IS a police state NOW. Fascism is alive and well here, it just goes under the name "tough on crime". Freedom is a joke in the United States. A fucking joke. When do we storm the Bastille?

Last night I had many layers of lucid dream. I kept waking from one to only arrive in another. I became quite good at figuring out it was another dream over the course of the night. In many of the dreams I was a Japanese girl that had her memory erased after a car crash and was living with several strange people. My room had turned into a swamp, from which I kept having to rescue the cats. Luckily my two favorite things to do in dreams is go underwater and fly. I spent much time doing both. After several layers of dream past someone found a dead baby in the swamp. Since I had my memory erased, I was a worried that I might have had done it. I never did find out who killed the baby. The dream went on for an extraordinary amount of time, and was much more complicated than I'm writing here. Places I visited were my old highschool, a highway that turned into a dirt road (I wasn't in a car, I was flying right above them, which I often do in dreams), a strange house with wires all over it, and the ocean. I discovered that in dream I can't always fly the direction I wish, often if I try to fly off the plot I'll involuntarily turn back to the direction the script sends me. Dream flying for me is a false sense of freedom, I must go where the dream takes me.

I bought a bike at a yard sale for $10. I already have a new sense of freedom. I have wheels.

I'm free!! I'm free!!

tomorrow i have an appointment with my pdoc
it's a "safety check"
essentially in 15 minutes or less she will decide if i need to go to the psych emergency room
from where i may be placed in a hospital
so no pressure or anything
i do so badly in these stressful situations
and i can't do badly
i have to do good
i don't want to get locked up
i want to stay out
but i always say things that get me stuck in
because i know sometimes it is better to go in
but i don't think this is the time
i know i'm probably not getting locked up tomorrow
but it is still scary that i might
sometimes i think going to the hospital is a good idea
vacation from the everyday stresses
but then i remember it really sucks there
but i need to be there sometimes
or at least needed to be there
i wouldn't be here if it weren't for being on psych wards sometimes
i'd be dead
so, sometimes they are good things
but i don't think i'm in a place now where i need to go
so a stay would be sucky right now
because i don't need it
and i may be taking up a bed someone else could use
that's the main reason i don't want to be in the hospital
there are people who could use those resources more than i could
we'll find out tomorrow
i'll probably be fine
i'm doing better than i was just a few days ago
i'll probably be fine
i believe that sometimes
and sometimes i don't
sometimes i think everything around me is about to fall apart
that i'll completely lose my mind
that i'll end up rocking in the back of some state institution for the rest of my life
mumbling incoherently to myself
i'll end up in a padded room
do they still have those?
i don't like it when i think those thoughts
i like to think i'm going to be okay
i like to think i'm getting better
i like to think good things
but i can't help worrying about the scary scenarios
i don't know where my mind is going
but in this storm how can i see?
i ride on the surface above the storm
detach myself from the storm
dissociate myself from it
i make it not real
i make myself not real either
so it's no big deal
if i'm not real
and the storm in my head isn't real
then who really cares?
why does it matter?
what am i so scared of?
why am i asking why if i'm not real?
am i real?
i don't like to come to conclusions like that
so i avoid that line of questioning
i can therefore delude myself
and handily forget that i deluded myself
it works pretty well
i don't feel anything
when i'm not real

i feel like i'm hopelessly broken
i hate me
i'm shakey all the time
i'm on a thousand meds
i cause emotional pain to those around me
i want to die
but i'm afraid
sometimes that fear goes away enough to let me try
i'm cold and scared
i'm lost
i just want this to end
these loops leading nowhere
i built this maze too well
i can't find my way through
it hurts
it hurts
i want the pain to stop
get out of my head
stop shaking
fucking stop shaking
get a fucking grip
maybe i need to be institutionalized
but i don't want that
i keep typing the same thing
day after day
i'm getting nowhere
fuck this
let it stop
i want to reach for a blade
feel it on my skin
i want anything
to just stop this
nothing works
there is no solution
i'm trapped in a web
a maze
and a riddle
i keep going down the same paths
there has to be an end
a way out
let me free

drinking coffee
wondering where i'm going
my mind still not working quite right
as if it ever was
i still have to get ready for the day
twitchy
i don't know how i'm going to make it
today seems so long
it's only 11 and i'm already twitchy
maybe i should go back in the hospital
but i'm determined to stay out
at least for a few days
even if it hurts
freedom is worth it
or is it?
maybe a break from life is what i need
if i don't take a break i may not have one to come back to
i think i can make it until Tuesday
that is my goal
make it until my therapy appointment
probably go back in after that
possibly stay in all winter
it's okay
life is too much for me
i don't like it in the hospital
i don't want to go back
but i can't make it out here
i don't know what to do
maybe i can find a way to stay out
my therapist is always wanting to find ways
ways for me to stay out
maybe we can work something out
i see my pdoc Wednesday
maybe i can get more meds
stop the shakes
stop the twitches
anything

purpleglitter picked me up in front of Cambridge Hospital after I was discharged. It's nice to be out. I know sometimes I consider staying in long term, but when I'm in there long term sounds pretty awful. Freedom, however hard it is for me to handle sometimes, is preferable.

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