purpleglitter, zarthon, and I spent the last night in Hadley. This morning, I woke up first and walked down Route 9 in Hadley for the first time since I lived here. I touched its pavement and it felt like touching an old friend. I realized then that I was never really homeless when I lived here, not in the truest sense of the word.

A home does not need walls or doors or any of those things which make up a house or an apartment. Home is the place where the soul finds its center and my home was larger and more beautiful than any mansion. My home was Route 9, that glorious stretch of asphalt between the center of Northampton and University Drive in Amherst.

Yesterday morning, purpleglitter and I got up early to pick up the two cutest English budgies. The rusty cage they were in sucked and there were two cats there were being allowed batting at their tail feathers, but the had each other and to their former owner's credit, they had insisted they not be separated in their craigslist ad. They are so obviously bonded, they are snuggled up against each other more often then they are not. We are calling them Statler and Waldorf.


( +1 )

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Statler and Waldorf home safe and sound, I had to head out to my endocrinology appointment, which went well. It is obvious that my endocrinologist is still not entirely comfortable with me being off psychiatric medication and not in therapy, even though it has been years and I'm doing fine. At least at this point she no longer suggests I go back to either. She did, however, suggest I see my primary care provider. I won't, I don't trust my pcp anymore. However, my endo let slip the name of a primary care doctor popular who is popular with her trannie patients that I'm going to check out switching to.

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After they got done taking my blood, I went over to see Ila. She has been teaching me Telugu script, though the words we've been going over have been Sanskrit. This week I need to practice writing conjunct consonants. I think the script is beautiful and am grateful for the opportunity to attempt to learn it. Ila seems to enjoy showing it to me — which is good, otherwise she probably wouldn't.

Poll #1092771
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All

For Thanksgiving, you will be...

With the preparations for invalid_userid's visit along with wanting to spend time with her, I didn't get much writing done. I expect to fall quite a bit behind while she's here, but I have already planned for that and if all goes well will catch up after she leaves. While I am serious about doing NaNoWriMo this year, spending time with good friends is far more important.

Day	Words
1	1729/1667
2	1883/3333

It appears that I might be going clubbing tonight. What's more, a goth/industrial/fetish night (those three things seem to always go together). I haven't gone to any club in a long time and I've long since stopped being "goth". However, I really need to get out. I've been stagnating and stewing in my out mental juices too much. This will be good for me.

I'm going with Victor, an old friend and ex-roommate from the first house_of_clocks.

ravenways came up to visit yesterday. We had planned to take some photographs, but never got around to it. Instead we made candles, chatted, and tooled around Arlington. I've noticed lately that I tend to have plenty of fun with people even when we don't end up doing whatever we planned on as long as we keep a good attitude. Getting together with friends and family shouldn't be about the activity, it should be about the friends and family. The activity happening or not is insignificant compared to the time spent together.

Bush and Blair, always best of friends, have wanted to attack Iran for some time now. Right now they with the detainee crisis have what is likely the best excuse for such an attack they're going to get, short of Iran actually developing a nuclear bomb. The political powers of both Bush and Blair have been waning for some time and if they can't get get the political capitol together to attack Iran now, they likely never will. That is far from saying they won't be able get the political capitol together to attack Iran: it's now or never and that makes for dangerous tinder.

While not without it's tribulations, 2006 was a year of milestones and reunions for me. This was the first year in half a decade that I have spent completely out of psych hospitals. Although I took a couple of my old Ativans to get to sleep at a couple of points, I spent the year pretty much without any psych med prescriptions. I've become closer with certain members of my family than I have been in a long time. I've reconnected with friends long past. I've grown spiritually and even found God. It's been quite a year.

I completely missed a friend's birthday gather today, because I screwed up when it was. I feel like such an idiot.

Reading about the death of a LiveJournal user that I never interacted with, I find myself shocked and appalled by the behaviour of their so-called friends. They are attempting to organize some sort of "memorial concert" at the same time they had one of his cats put to sleep because no one could be bothered give the beloved animal its daily medication. Some friends. Have fun at your fucking party.

In therapy yesterday, we discussed why I want to get off disability and back into the job market. I hadn't really thought that much on the question other than that I wanted to.

The reason I want a job is not because I feel guilty in some way for not having one. I don't feel guilty. First, it's only recently that I've been doing well enough to realistically consider getting one. Second, it's not like any job I'm likely to go into is going to make the world a better place or let me do my part or any such crap. Most likely, if I go back into databases, I'm be schlepping code to fill some corporate coffers. The likelihood of landing another non-profit gig isn't terribly high.

The reason is not that I'd simply like to have more money either. Sure it would be nice to not have to count pennies so much, to not worry about how I'm going to pay for rent and oil. But, I'm getting by. Anything else is gravy. Gravy is nice, but not necessary.

The reason is autonomy. I don't want to be beholden to the government for my check. And while I am grateful for those friends who have helped me out when I've been in tight spots, I do not want to be beholden to them for support either. I want to control my own life, and in this hyperquasicapitalist dollar-worshiping society that means holding my own purse strings to as much of an extent as possible. I want to control my income because even if they hold their power benignly, I want to lessen the power others hold over me.

recoiling and I did about 4 hours of cleaning in my room. It's not done. Many times I've made significant progress only to have my room fall back before it got to the point of being clean. However, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel this time. So close I can taste it.

I'm going to clean my sheets now. I may finish the cleaning tonight or tomorrow, and if I don't recoiling will come back and help me Thursday.

I'm giving recoiling a staff as thanks for her efforts, and after she's done we're going to polyurethane it together in the playroom. She's awesome and been so incredibly unbelievably helpful. I think that my mental state will be much improved when I truly have a livable room.

Mental "disorders" I have been "diagnosed" with over the years by either close friends, close family, or mental health professionals (bold indicates a mental health professional provided the diagnosis, italics indicate more than one person has given me the diagnosis):

Anorexia Nervosa Attention Deficit Disorder Autism Bipolar Disorder Body Dysmorphic Disorder Borderline Personality Disorder Bulimia Nervosa Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified Dissociative Identity Disorder Fictitious Disorder Gender Identity Disorder Major Depression - Recurrent Narcissistic Personality Disorder Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Panic Disorder Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Psychosis Not Otherwise Specified Schizophrenia Social Anxiety Disorder

Wish pods are specially gathered water caltrops, often called water chestnuts. In order to be wish pods, they must be found floating in the water, not washed ashore. Also when gathering wish pods, one pod must be returned to a body of fresh water different from the one the pods were gathered from, with the blessing "Good Journey."

Once properly gathered, wish pods are generally painted. Although this is not necessary for wishes, painting helps harmonize the luck of the pod. Wish pods always bring good luck, but bring the best luck if received as a gift.

To use the wish pod, place it in the room you spend the most time in. When you place your wish pod in the room, state your wish under your breath three times. No one else should hear your wish. Remember: the bigger the wish, the longer it will take to be fulfilled.

Placement in the room is important. Place the wish pod in the area of the room that most corresponds to your wish:

North — if you wish for money or material items. East —- if you wish to better understand something or someone, or are wishing for knowledge or enlightenment. South — if you wish for change. West — if you wish for love or a closer relationship with loved ones. Center — if you wish for balance, harmony or peace.

Waking up and posting in the middle of the night I am after being sick most of the day. Although I tend to love the rain, I think the cold steady drizzle finally got me.

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Tomorrow I see my therapist for the first time in 5 weeks. There will be a two month gap coming up when I go to Ontario for July and she is on vacation for August. At this point, the gaps do not bother me. I seem to get along just fine without therapy, and am still questioning the point of even continuing it.

My skepticism about therapy at this point has nothing to do with my current therapist, who is the best that I've found to date. My skepticism is simply due to the fact my doubt that the asymmetrical relationship offered by therapy is able to provide me with benefit at this point.

I have many people in my life that I'm on a more even standing with whom I can talk freely with, and I trust their advice and insight more simply because we have two-sided relationships. I know them more. I know their biases, backgrounds, and beliefs. I know them at all, in fact. The vary nature of the relationship with a therapist prevents that level of trust and understanding.

The one-sidedness of the relationship with a therapist can be incredibly useful for some people in some situations, and I've found it helpful at points in the past. However, for me here and now, I don't think it's working. It may be time to move on.

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Now I go back to bed.

I'm lucky to be alive. I mean that in the most real sense.

I'm lucky. I'm so fucking lucky that it's practically unbelievable.

I lived in my car and then on the street when I was constantly losing time and I somehow managed not to get killed. In fact, I was still able to use my wits to l get out of several situations where that was a likely outcome.

I was completely lost, and didn't really have anyone close to me for most of that time. If I had fallen in close with a junkie, I would have become a heroin addict. I would have done just about any drug that was put in front of me at that point. But somehow, I managed to avoid getting an addiction.

My luck didn't stop or start there. I was severely burned as a child, but not only survived but miraculously avoided serious burns to my face. My roommate on the burn unit, Alfonso, was not so lucky, he didn't make it.

I lost a lot of time and almost flunked out of high school. But I made it through by the skin of my teeth. I passed without turning in most of my homework. Somehow. Graduated 313th out of 317 students.

I fell in with purpleglitter and her friends, who took me off the street and gave me the means of learning the skills that lead to my short stretch of decent employment which in turn has allowed me to collect ssdi instead of ssi.

Being able to get assistance without ending up again on the street is another stroke of luck. And at this point, my still having a place to live is astounding.

And I'm still here to live in it. I've tried to kill myself too many times, and came very close to succeeding on a few occasions. But I'm still here. Somehow.

I have seen my share of bad things and been my share of bad places, but I am blessed. It's utterly amazing that things turned out so well for me. I'm so very incredibly lucky. I feel I must have one of those guardian angels like the characters that won't die regardless of how much you shoot at them on Star Trek.

I finally set up a MySpace account. I am still not too fond of the way MySpace is set up, and really only got one because I have been told it is a good way to get back in touch with old friends. I found several friends I had lost touch with via my Friendster account and perhaps I can do the same on MySpace. Feel free to add me at either place.

Over the last several days, I've been going out more than I have in quite a while.

Wednesday night, zarthon took purpleglitter and I out to Uno's to celebrate purpleglitter's fabulous new job. zarthon accidentally spilt my entire Second City Whisky Sour on me as soon as it arrived, and I smelt completely like a brewery. I used the foamy handsoap in the Uno's bathroom to wash the aromatic drink off my clothing. The rest of the dinner went wonderfully and their new olde fashion tomatoe soup was quite lovely.

Thursday night, purpleglitter and I went over to iamacliche's and recoiling's apartment for a small holiday gathering. I always love hanging out with them and it is convenient that they live so close. They gave me, among other things, a turtle coprolite and a polished fiber optic piece of ulexite. I went through a phase in the early nineties that I was very into geology and rocks and minerals. I lost my entire rock and mineral collection when I was homeless, and am glad to add some nice new specimens to my very small current collection.

Friday night, I met dicotomygrrl at the Diesel Café. We shared a chocolate mint square and played a game of chess. I still remember dicotomygrrl's speech about chess at my birthday party last year, which was the last big party that has happened at the house_of_clocks. She gave me a rose, which I was hoping to put in some water when I got home, but unfortunately left in the back of Glen's van.

Last night, I went to