when a window shatters
you can pick up the pieces
and glue them back together
but the cracks will still be there
the window will never be the same again

the window is always shattering
there are so many cracks that what is behind the window can no longer be seen
the cracks have become the world
but what lies beyond
is still there and never dies

I was quite productive yesterday, well more productive than average for me at least. In addition to my daily chores (animal care and cooking), I reglued the twine on my staff, I did a much needed load of laundry, and did an good hour of cleaning the downstairs of the house_of_clocks with recoiling.

Yeah, it's kind of pathetic what I consider a good and productive day. But, I want to surf this wave and see if it builds. After Skye's vet appointment at 3pm, I want to do some more cleaning at the house_of_clocks and do some crafting. Perhaps I'm on the verge of at least getting my surroundings and activities in order. I've been on this precipice for a long time, so I'm not going to get to carried away with optimism.

I broke my new cell phone last night.

I guess I'm not up to speed with all this new fangled technology. The phone crashed while I was trying to take a picture of mazzycat. I tried to reset the phone, and couldn't find a reset button. I saw a small hole just wide enough to stick a safety pin in. Thinking this was the reset button that is often found on older electronic devices, I stuck a safety pin in it. However, it was not the reset button, it was the microphone and it was destroyed.

I completely freaked out, and went deep into hating myself. I felt I can't take care of anything. I looped that I lose or break or otherwise damage or taint everything I come in contact with. Escalating all the way.

After a neitherday walk (a slightly creepy one, as neitherday walks on weekends aren't as safe feeling), I realized that I can use an auxiliary microphone. I will superglue it to the phone, as I will need it anytime I use the phone. It will essentially be the main microphone. The phone will be jerryrigged, like everything that is truly me and mine. It is perfect and meant to be.

I need to be more mindful of the fact that obstacles are just part of the plan. They make life interesting and the make life go where life would not otherwise have gone. Keep calm and do not fight the wind.

I have been using my staff/cane to get around again. The gorilla glue works well holding it together, but fails when the staff is subjected to lateral forces. To strengthen the break in this regard, I tightly wound twine around it. I then coated the twine with wood glue to keep it from unraveling. I'm contemplating staining the twine, because it is much lighter than the rest of the staff. I have the stain, I just haven't decided if I want to.

I've been getting comments that my staff looks like a shillelagh. I have heard "Nice shillelagh." several times the past couple days. While I never intended it to be a shillelagh, the comparison is oddly pleasing to me.

I accidentally banged my staff against the curb, and in the winter's cold it snapped roughly in the same place that it broke last time. It is a reminder to keep mindful and not to take things for granted as this happens again when I am becoming lost.

I will put my staff back together again, as I have put myself back together so many times. I have again used gorilla glue, and it is setting in the playroom clamped with the færie wire. I plan to put a bolt through the fracture in the very near future to better secure it. My staff will then be a merging of the city and the wild. A unity in nature.

The gorilla glue seems to be doing a good job keeping my staff held together. I can even put my weight on it. For a long time I've had a sense that those things around me that I most considered truly mine have been broken and put back together, sometime precariously. I've always felt a connection with such things, because I have put myself back together from the shattered remnants of long ago. I remember when I was around 13 (give or take a year), I had a Commodore 64 and the floppy drive didn't work. I repaired it using rubberbands, and it worked well for many years until I got a 386. I've always felt that I'm running on rubberbands and duct tape. Now my staff is this way too. Perhaps this will serve not only to be more mindful of its care, but also to increase my connection to it and my commitment to understanding the meaning behind it.

I broke my staff. I had put it on my bed and I sat on it. I am such an idiot. I need to remember that it is just a thing. That it was mine when it needed to be mine and now maybe i don't need it. Maybe it was meant for me for a small period of time and then it is gone. Maybe something else. I haven't been meditating and praying enough. I feel like I'm slipping back into the fog of the everyday. Maybe I need to capture back that sacred space of the soul that seems to be slipping away. It is something that needs to be fought for. A constant effort. Maybe the breaking staff tells me I'm losing my way. I've made an attempt to fix the staff with gorilla glue held down by a bolt of wire i bought to make færie wings. Oddly symbolic as I've left to the faeries to supervise the mending of my gift from the færies. Maybe I should be less beating myself up over breaking the staff and looking to the symbolism of what is occurring. Find the meaning in this. There is too much here for their not to be meaning.

I just glued random ceramic letters to my monitor. Some of them are upsidedown. After the glue set I think I'm going to color them with markers.