It appears that I might be going clubbing tonight. What's more, a goth/industrial/fetish night (those three things seem to always go together). I haven't gone to any club in a long time and I've long since stopped being "goth". However, I really need to get out. I've been stagnating and stewing in my out mental juices too much. This will be good for me.

I'm going with Victor, an old friend and ex-roommate from the first house_of_clocks.

Going through my one of my cavernous closets, I found my wisdom teeth I had taken out in the late 1990's. They look a bit old, and the crusted blood has turned to a greyish powder. I had my wisdom teeth out the same time docbrite had theirs out, and being the bizarre goth thing I was I sent them what must have been a very creepy email with a picture of me, a picture of my teeth, and an offer to swap teeth. Of course, I never received a reply.

I found many other things as well. An old valentine from purpleglitter, a mid-nineties mac powerbook named "Like Butta", various mementos, a picnic basket, two air conditioners (one alive, one dead), ancient sheet music, seeds, and just too much interesting, strange, and downright random stuff to make a list here. I wonder what I'll find when I really begin to plunge into the depths.

I'm rethinking the rant I wrote about a month ago rejecting labeling myself "feminist". Perhaps it is not a label I should so hastily reject. This brings to mind the question: "Why is a feminist?".

Yes, I've heard the simplistic answer many times: "a feminist is someone who believes women are people too" or any variation on that theme. But that dissolves quickly when one starts talking issues. The abortion, the rabid warthog of issues, easily breaks the illusion. Many pro-choice feminists declare that pro-life feminism is an oxymoron, and that legal unqualified abortion is the only true path of feminism. This clearly is an affront to pro-life feminists, who will inevitably tell you that they believe unborn women are people too. Whether or not pro-life feminism is valid, this conflict alone shows that a simple definition is not going to suffice in defining what feminism is.

Perhaps asking "what is feminism" is a bit like asking "what is goth" on alt.gothic (is that still regularly asked?). Done over and over again, there is no real definition. It is a political orientation, the same way socialist and populist are. If it simply a political orientation, why should I reject it just because some fanatical organizations such as the MWMF claim it as well? Perhaps it is just a word, perhaps my gesture has no real meaning, but I might just call myself a feminist again.

I have updated my profile. For simplicity's sake, I'm only posting the parts I changed here.

New Profile I have finally found a place I fit in. I have a place in my community. I am the madwoman. I am a multiple system. In older entries I used "we" often, but nowadays I usually (but not always) use "I". Just easier to write that way. I still identify as plural. I'm also a bisexual, vegetarian, polyamorous mtf pre-op transsexual. I have two wonderful girlfriends (purpleglitter and merryperseis) and two wonderful cats (mazzycat and madeleinecat) Old Profile I don't really fit in anywhere, but I'm okay with that. I have dissociative identity "disorder" (or the condition formally known as multiple personality "disorder".) You will notice that in the course of this journal I will use "I" for me and "I" and/or "we" for the system as a whole or the Central Group. Occasionally another alter will make a post, but for the most part this journal is mine. I'm bisexual and a pre-op transsexual (mtf). I've left behind my long gothic phase, and am currently molding my style into something infinitely more fabulous. I still have some gothic friends and gothic tendencies, but have been burnt too many times in the subculture to wish to continue immersion in it. I have decided to start my own. I have very eclectic musical tastes, as one might imagine. Diamanda is Goddess. My religion is my own. While I draw from both Neopaganism and Buddhism, most of it is simply what makes sense to me. I'm vegetarian. Meat is yuckie. I have two wonderful girlfriends (purpleglitter and merryperseis) and one wonderful cat (mazzycat). Buttercup is my favorite Powerpuff Girl.

I went to clintcatalyst's and Michelle Tea's reading of their new book, Pills, Thrills, Chills, and Heartache. I met up with clintcatalyst and purpleglitter beforehand and we sat around talking at purpleglitter's house. I met clintcatalyst once before, but I was waiting for my ride to the psych ward so we didn't interact much. This time we interacted quite a bit, and he is absolutely fagulous. I had big fun.

After the reading, I went out for food with clintcatalyst, Michelle Tea, and a bunch of people from the reading. I got to tell Michelle the circumstances under which I first read her books. I read Valencia in the back of a prayer group at Holy Family catholic hospital. I was on the psych ward there, and purpleglitter had brought it for me to read. Michelle really enjoyed hearing the story.

Full of pizza and fries, clintcatalyst, purpleglitter and I headed back to purpleglitter's apartment where we watched last Sunday's highly stressful episode of the Sopranos. But what episode of the Sopranos isn't highly stressful? I think that's part of the draw of the series, experiencing the stress, but have it be in no way related to you. It's actually quite cathartic and relieving.

purpleglitter took many pictures from last night, some of me, some of which I will post sometime soon. I was wearing a cute gothic schoolgirl dress that purpleglitter got me for my birthday. Stripy tights, completely gothed out. I gothed out, because I wanted to dress up for the occasion, and my red Little Orphan Annie dress doesn't fit anymore. All my dressy clothes that still fit are goth.

All in all, I must say, it's very exciting to meet people who are on your LiveJournal interest list.

purpleglitter took me to Stop & Shop. I bought a blood orange. I'd never seen one before, and thought it sounded interesting. It looks like an orange, only it's red and it's squishier than an orange. I haven't tasted it yet.

The woman at the register had never seen a blood orange either. She yelled to the manager to find out the code for blood oranges. I wish I was dressed in high black. Unfortunately I stood there in pastels.

I went to Man Ray last night. purpleglitter took some pictures of my outfit. I ran one of them through Photoshop, and here it is:

zarthon took merryperseis and I out to lunch at Akbar today. Yummy yummy Indian Food. After lunch, we went to the Diesel Café for chai.

Next, we went to Goodwill, where I got a new pair of buckle shoes. I love buckles. They're not the big buckles like I've worn in the past, but buckles they be.

We got back to the house_of_clocks and sat around the table in my room chatting. I dearly need to do some cleaning. I haven't been in a state to get much of it done. Soon, I plan to have a clean room. Soon. Soon I will. I must. I can't stand living in this pit. This must change.

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At around 9:00pm, merryperseis and I went to Porter Square in search of my make-up. I'm afraid that my current powder, Revlon Shine Control, may be discontinued. It's the most wonderful powder, and I really don't want to have to search for a new one. I'm going to check a couple other places tomorrow to see if I can find any.

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I put the new buttons on my outfit for Man Ray tomorrow. purpleglitter will be coming over to take piccies, which I'll post here. I'm very excited about it.

Goth dancing is really tae kwon do. The moves are just a little slower. The nightclubs are training camps. They are training goths for the invasion of Somerville!! It will then be renamed Somergrad. Cossack™ Vodka is just the begining! It's a vast and evil conspiracy. It's true I say. It's true! It's true! !

Went Man Ray with purpleglitter and pillowkisser. I was surprised that purpleglitter went. She's spent so much energy the last few years to rid herself of her gothic "albatross". Regardless, she seemed to have a good time. She's always big fun to have along on any excursion.

I saw many old friends and met a few new ones. I'm always excited to see people that I've lost contact with. It's so hard keeping in touch with people sometimes, especially when life becomes hectic. I'm going to make a more concerted effort to keep in touch with people. I don't like drifting away.

I danced with laurellily. Our hands found each other, and we sat staring longingly at one another for some time. Something about her makes me swoon. Swoon. She is strong, yet inviting. Powerful, yet gentle. Commanding yet kind. There is something between us. I can see it in her eyes. I can feel it in her touch. I can taste it on her lips. I don't know what it is. But there is something there. What will become of it, only the future knows.

merryperseis and I went to Man Ray last night. merryperseis had never been to Man Ray, or any goth club, before. I got to dress her up for the event. Where's a camera when you need one?

I had fun and met several people and introduced merryperseis to several people. I also invited several people I know only through the club scene to my party, though I'm not sure if they'll actually shop up.

Went on a walk late last night. Left the house at 3:00am. I was dressed in my long velvet black dress, with flowing lace sleeves. A hit of red hid under more lace in the front. I packed my purse with various pills and a bottle containing a mixture of Nyquil and Robitussin in it.

Various places to actually take the pills came in mind. I decided upon the hill by the swings purpleglitter and I used to go to.

Immediately after crossing Mill Brook I was accosted by the foot stomping of a skunk. I ran the other way, into a driveway. I remained in the driveway for about 5 minutes, until I was sure the skunk was gone.

While waiting, I decided I should leave purpleglitter a message before I take the pills. I walked up to the Arlington Heights Bus Terminal to use the phone there. Instead of actually calling I kept looking at the pill bottle.

Why I actually didn't take the pills as intended I do not know. There were a lot of possible factors.

Fear, of course.

I'm don't really want to die. It's more that I don't want to live. I don't like life, things aren't going to improve, and death seems like a good option.

No individual thing I had was particularly lethal, not even the mix of Robitussin and Nyquil as it was mostly Robitussin. I was hoping that taking a great many things together would do the trick. However, I was afraid that if I took everything it would just make me extremely fucked up. The police would find me the next morning and take me into the hospital.

I went home when the lightning started up again. Unfortunately, I didn't bring a key with me. merryperseis had locked me out. I didn't want a key, because, I thought not having one would help me not chicken out.

merryperseis's light was still on, but I didn't want to knock and wake up the other roommates. So, I threw some of the pills I'd brought at her window. Apparently, they didn't make enough noise, as she didn't hear them. I ended up getting in through a window around 4:30am.

merryperseis and I had some good talks for sometime in the kitchen. She's a really wonderful person, and I'm glad she's living with us.

However, I'm still not sure that suicide isn't a good option for me. I'm not sure that it is, either. I'm scared and confused and just don't know.

I do have to learn the lessons of my last two "attempts". I need to give up the notion of a "romantic" suicide, and just do it. I am not brave enough. It's not that I don't want to die, it's just that I lack courage. Probably should just do it completely drunk. Alcohol can make up for the bravery I lack. I wanted to stare death down sober, but apparently that is not in the cards. I can't do it. Pathetic, yes. But who cares?

Another issue I need to rectify is getting some quality lethal pills in my possession. The stupid shit I have is not going to cut it. There are plenty of appropriate things over the counter. I don't want to accidentally live, end up in the emergency room and then the psych ward.

Met coolwhitestare by the bike trail at 4:30am. She had mentioned that we'd need light for our trek through the great meadow, so I brought a candle. I dressed in flowy black and wore my black hat with the purple flower on it. I haven't dressed like that in a while, and while I think it worked for this morning's excursion, I don't think I'm going to go back to it as my everyday style.

The walk to the Great Meadow was very refreshing. I am surprised that the candle was able to stay lit in the cold rain, but somehow it did.

Upon entering the wood, I discovered that the candle wasn't quite as useful as it had been on the bike trail. I could actually see better without having to deal with the glare of the candle constantly screwing up my night-adjusted vision.

The trail to the stepping stones is still flooded out. I find that quite strange, because waterlevels around the state are extremely low. There must be some fundamental change to the waterflow of the bog, flooding the trail. I don't know if there is another way to get to the stepping stones, or even if the stepping stones themselves are above water.

We spent some time just talking in a clearing. Very peaceful and quiet...I love the wood in the early morning, in the late evening, or during neitherday. Actually, I love the wood during the day, too. I just love the wood.

We left the way we came. Back on the bike trail, the candle was completely unnecessary, as the sky had begun to brighten. Still completely overcast, but definitely brightening. A perfect tone to end a wonderful excusion.

Clover did something over coffee that makes me question whether it is wise to ever trust her again. She went on and on about how she didn't like Percy. About how he's this and how he's that. Then she proceeds to tell me Percy is giving her a ride to Man Ray tonight. How she's just using him for the ride now, and other than that she can't stand him. I'm no fan of Percy nowadays, but I have to wonder about someone who would so blatantly use someone else. I really don't need that type of friend. The more I think about it, the more I really don't want to remain friends with Clover.

In my last entry I should have put "many adult goths" instead of "most adult goths". It just seems like a lot (not all) of the goths I know right now are playing stupid high school games.

I've noticed that most "adult" goths are just high school rejects out to prove that they are no better than those that rejected them in high school.